An One-year Anniversary

-Time between two Min’s Bday Parties

“The angel in the night
Turned into a demon in dawn
I could hardly touch my happiness”

-Satum Monologue, Law Pun

Commemoration of Shining

Another 3am, I walked leisurely in the familiar Queensway Road, with remain silver eye shadow, golden sparkling powder, shining tiara, and in pure white. I was stepping on the footprints one year ago, wondering how much dust under my feet still stayed in the same place, dancing with my steps after 365days?

“Hey how was the night?”A tall stranger asked me while coming towards me in an opposite direction.
“Great, you? ”
“Heading for fun, you are shining!”
“Thx, hv a fab night! See ya!”

Someone saw me in the dark. I was shining, or, I have been shining?

Today one year ago, I fell into this brand new world unconsciously. I have been thinking, how can I light this dark path at night and find my traveling partners? And today I know, all I can light, is the space of 1 sf. around me, and let them find me instead.

I don’t need to follow my way, my way will follow me. Therefore, I can move on following the direction in my heart without turning back, not worrying anything about the signs.

One year, I accomplished the practice that I could find my way home even I walked alone with my eyes shut in the dark night.


Commemoration of non-repentant original status

Home.
The space where I could completely take off the precious shell after a whole night’s hot dance. Turned on the A/C, feeling like peeling off the sticky skin and soaking myself in a cranberry juice on the rock, where I dyed my sweat red, and also my slightly-drunken face for one-year’s memories.

Those faces which changed from strange to familiar in one year’s time, from smiling, greeting and shaking hands to hugging and bosco, from single to in a relationship, from relationship to engaged and married, or vice versa; however some faces, slipped from the bottom of my eyes to the bottom of my heart, even not facing each others, I couldn’t ignore their existence, and from familiar to strange.
After a whole year’s turmoil, I am still keeping my original status.
Have I kept my time, or has my time locked me, or have I trapped myself?
Just like tonight, even I disguised to be an angel, I have thrown away my wings.

Commemoration of Wings

I always thought if I threw away my wings, I wouldn’t dream about heaven anymore and could walk step by step on earth. Therefore I abandoned transportation tools most of the time, and accomplished amazing walking speed, unyielding willpower and disobedient strongness.
I thought the myth reached the end, however, I underestimated the power of anti-gravity.

Tonight it made me off the ground within a second and flew in the air. It was so powerful that I couldn’t even restrain. And then I was panic. I would have cried but I laughed, I would have frozen that moment but I pushed it away instead. I did understand that my body was trying to protect me with condition reaction when I was head over heel, however in vain-my heart grew a pair of wings at that moment and refused to fall. After decades of seconds, my body sank.
“Even sinking, you have to sink in perfect grace.” It is just what I was tonight, with fab make-up but an old-fashioned mood haunted for a whole year.
After all I refused all the whispers and temptations, keeping the demon in the cage inside.
Or, never had I ever had the demon? It is said that angel and demon are existed in pair, and I have already lost my wings.
In return I gained an aftertaste of faith, to believe that I can still be off the ground without wings, even in a blink of an eye, is long enough to break the axiom and create a miracle.
We all need more faith, to believe that the future is better, to believe that we have never been lonely, to believe all we have ever doubted, just for keeping facing each others and exchange an understanding smile, for the comfort brought by the hug, for discontinuous whispers, for short SMS, even residual memento in hearts.
Believe that the distance is kept from hurting for they all still like or love me, believe that the positions we keep in the bottom for each others, believe that I am still young, talented, beautiful, kind, still have dreams and ambition and a soul for love, which can at least be kept for one more year, two one-years, and lots of lots of one-years.

Commemoration of One Year

I did gain a lot and lose a lot in this one-year, some I thought I have gained but lost in the end, some I have lost but finally came back to me, some I thought I would gain but never came, and some I thought I would lose but never left. In the complicated and confusing puzzle I couldn’t calculate the total is positive or negative with all the minus and plus. But some creeds stand stably, like the sexy pole dancers tonight, no matter how they turned around, climbed up and fell down, with music, applause, flashing lights, whistlings, flowers, after the show, only and always stands the pole, which dominates the next show and the best seats for it.

“Is all that I care
a whole piece of body
or a soul
which I could never seize?”
-Fall, Law Pun

-xG. 4:18am, 28 July 08

Me, Streetlight and Shadow/我，街燈與影

Just inspired by this photo shot by my frd Erwin in Macau.
Damn, started to be unredeemably sensitive again and isolate myself again like living in a Wong's movie...HELP!!

But good time to keep on writing and movieing...

CHI:

淩晨三點三
靈魂夢游于
紅瓦墻的
石板街上
一片死寂的空蕩

你佇立一方
不語
汎黃的臉色
如此疲憊不堪

是否
你也與我一樣
孤獨守候了
一千零一個晚上
生怕某個人夜歸
找不到
家的方向

你低頭看
我低頭看
雨打溼了你的臉龐
淚泡透了你的影子
我在海裏徜徉

某個人有別個陪伴
我有你陪伴
你有影子陪伴
影子有黑夜陪伴

我們都不孤單
我們都情願孤單

ENG

Me, Streetlight and Shadow

3:15 in the morning
A soul Sleepwalked in a
Slabstone street with
Red-tile walls
When Dead silence of emptiness
was heard

You stood there
without a word
Yellow faces with
exhausted complexion

Whether or not
the same as I have
You’ve been solely waiting
for one thousand and one nights
worrying someone who
might return late
cannot find his way home

You looked down
I looked down
Rains moistened your face
Tears soaked your shadow
I drown in the sea

Someone is with someone else
You are with me
Your shadow is with you
The night is with the shadow

None of us is lonely
All of us are willing to be

The End

In an empty house of 460sf.
Fidget cut off the pale and slim wrist
Fresh blood pervaded
With A/C 23 degree
Soon air-dried


I Escaped
Abandoned my dead body
Jumped from the height of 13 floors
Panic
I forgot my innocent wings
Grounded in chaos and brains

Aerosphere returned to peace
The very last image
Reflected in the split pieces of the street lights
Crashed on the flying bus
Ground
Extinguished
Dark

The End.

Move on

Soon I have to say goodbye to my sweet quarter, which I have been living for nearly two years.

I wandered between the living room and two rooms, staring at things that I wanna take with me and those I need to pack and store for a while, and those I need to throw away. I keep on reminding myself at any moment “no purchase” for anything without practical value but only with a woman’s impulse, in order not to fall into dilemma of “Keep or go” when moving out, since I have never been an easy decision maker.

Even so, two years time is long enough to leave me all these hesitating objects-like an bland dish but don’t wanna waste it. I just stood there and watched them, shrugged my shoulders between the trash bags and carton boxes, recalling how they came to me and their time spent with me. I realized between all these objects and me, there’re so many direct or indirect people, things and issues, one after one, haunted my memory. I thought I forgot some of those, but they were only placed too deep in my brain and not yet found before.

My brain was tremendously being packed up by memories, like my place right now, and it is too heavy to lift my head.

Choices for me are never not painful. I was always being drown in two extreme contradictions I faced and too weak and lame to say goodbye to one or the other. Too many expectations, too many disappointments, too many possibilities, and too many too many encumbrances to move out of mind.

However my fate is finally impatient and gave me a deadline. No time for consideration, bargain, rewind, or regret. I have to move, and to my surprise I moved pretty fast. It turns out the fear is not with the decision itself but underestimating my own courage of making decisions and capacity of taking actions.

We are all covered in clover. There should be an appreciate time to move on, not only marking time in the same place, but to throw away some luggage and items with pain, then we can move on with enough space and energy. And suddenly you will find that, some you treasured and loved in the past, their meanings turned to dust by the wash of time; some you forgot in the corner or disappeared for long, became a jackpot when refound by chance.

And some, all you owe is a bye. Think of that at the very first beginning you gave them so much love and care, however they never played an important role, and you don’t have to cherish them any more; or rather, you never really owned them. Until you farewell, they feared all of a sudden, feared that they would not be important anymore and being abandoned by you. These selfish things.
Smile, and dump them. Keep your cool.

Nothing, nobody can keep its/his/her values in the stream of the river called time and space, or be itself/himself/herself forever. Enemies become friends, lovers become strangers, yourself becomes someone else, right next second. Most of the time we don’t feel it since the change is slow within, and some change tremendously that we choose to repel by instinct from being hurt, not until an antibody grows will you be immune. None can tell you change is good or bad, but only you will learn “survival of the fittest to the world”.

And change cannot be all positive, just as the side effect you will have while curing your illness with pills; even the change will not bring you commend. The more charming a rose is, the more risks of being plucked it has. Therefore it grows thorns, one by one risk as long as it survives. It seems like weakness but indeed is the capacity of fighting and surviving, the skill of being flexible to environment changes.

The earlier you know the cruelty of survival, the earlier you cry and wipe, the earlier you will have happiness and success.

Move, and cherish. Keep the most precious, wonderful objects right at this moment, esp. the moment you are in need and they were with you, let go if the next moment you have to, and be strong.

Walk without turning around, be cool and be focus. Think of the future.

And suddenly I have many extra trashes piled up, but my mind is light for moving on.

Last but not least…

23:35, 13th July. I was lying on my bed losing my conscience, while being disturbed by the voice of a cell msg. I forgot to turn the phone off.

“My dear Mushroom, I heard the steps upstairs and the first reaction was you were dancing but then I realized that you had moved. I feel so blue. You have to raise your head, take a deep breath and keep moving on…”

I don’t remember what I replied at that moment. I just remember when I shut both my mobile and my eyes, my pillow was wet by deep emotion.

We are all moving on, we are all on our ways, let’s start from here.


-xG.