Move on

Soon I have to say goodbye to my sweet quarter, which I have been living for nearly two years.

I wandered between the living room and two rooms, staring at things that I wanna take with me and those I need to pack and store for a while, and those I need to throw away. I keep on reminding myself at any moment “no purchase” for anything without practical value but only with a woman’s impulse, in order not to fall into dilemma of “Keep or go” when moving out, since I have never been an easy decision maker.

Even so, two years time is long enough to leave me all these hesitating objects-like an bland dish but don’t wanna waste it. I just stood there and watched them, shrugged my shoulders between the trash bags and carton boxes, recalling how they came to me and their time spent with me. I realized between all these objects and me, there’re so many direct or indirect people, things and issues, one after one, haunted my memory. I thought I forgot some of those, but they were only placed too deep in my brain and not yet found before.

My brain was tremendously being packed up by memories, like my place right now, and it is too heavy to lift my head.

Choices for me are never not painful. I was always being drown in two extreme contradictions I faced and too weak and lame to say goodbye to one or the other. Too many expectations, too many disappointments, too many possibilities, and too many too many encumbrances to move out of mind.

However my fate is finally impatient and gave me a deadline. No time for consideration, bargain, rewind, or regret. I have to move, and to my surprise I moved pretty fast. It turns out the fear is not with the decision itself but underestimating my own courage of making decisions and capacity of taking actions.

We are all covered in clover. There should be an appreciate time to move on, not only marking time in the same place, but to throw away some luggage and items with pain, then we can move on with enough space and energy. And suddenly you will find that, some you treasured and loved in the past, their meanings turned to dust by the wash of time; some you forgot in the corner or disappeared for long, became a jackpot when refound by chance.

And some, all you owe is a bye. Think of that at the very first beginning you gave them so much love and care, however they never played an important role, and you don’t have to cherish them any more; or rather, you never really owned them. Until you farewell, they feared all of a sudden, feared that they would not be important anymore and being abandoned by you. These selfish things.
Smile, and dump them. Keep your cool.

Nothing, nobody can keep its/his/her values in the stream of the river called time and space, or be itself/himself/herself forever. Enemies become friends, lovers become strangers, yourself becomes someone else, right next second. Most of the time we don’t feel it since the change is slow within, and some change tremendously that we choose to repel by instinct from being hurt, not until an antibody grows will you be immune. None can tell you change is good or bad, but only you will learn “survival of the fittest to the world”.

And change cannot be all positive, just as the side effect you will have while curing your illness with pills; even the change will not bring you commend. The more charming a rose is, the more risks of being plucked it has. Therefore it grows thorns, one by one risk as long as it survives. It seems like weakness but indeed is the capacity of fighting and surviving, the skill of being flexible to environment changes.

The earlier you know the cruelty of survival, the earlier you cry and wipe, the earlier you will have happiness and success.

Move, and cherish. Keep the most precious, wonderful objects right at this moment, esp. the moment you are in need and they were with you, let go if the next moment you have to, and be strong.

Walk without turning around, be cool and be focus. Think of the future.

And suddenly I have many extra trashes piled up, but my mind is light for moving on.

Last but not least…

23:35, 13th July. I was lying on my bed losing my conscience, while being disturbed by the voice of a cell msg. I forgot to turn the phone off.

“My dear Mushroom, I heard the steps upstairs and the first reaction was you were dancing but then I realized that you had moved. I feel so blue. You have to raise your head, take a deep breath and keep moving on…”

I don’t remember what I replied at that moment. I just remember when I shut both my mobile and my eyes, my pillow was wet by deep emotion.

We are all moving on, we are all on our ways, let’s start from here.


-xG.