Never Happen, again

7^th Aug. I received an Email from a frd:

12:34:56, 07/08/09-this amazing second today, will never happen in your life again!

At a glance, indeed amazing. I forwarded to my colleagues and one sitting afar opposite to me, slowly uttered some words in a lazy tune:

“Actually every second in your life, will never happen in your life again~~~”

Totally provoking. Amazingly true.

Perhaps we indeed pay over-attention to those “special moments”, and ignored those which seemed valueless while would never ever come back again.

As long as in that second, you feel affable, peaceful, and secured, it is a second of happiness.

I went to farewell the friend, Mark, who sent me that Email in the evening. He is going back to China for work the next morning after 3 years in HK. A lot of faces I haven’t seen for long, some more new faces I have never seen before, flocked together because of this farewell. Due to the strain of time, I had a hurry drink to the bottom, gave Mark a hug and then left. I haven’t come to this area for long, though it hasn’t been changed that much, almost the first time, with hurried steps and I realized I gradually lost the sense of belonging, what I have assembled during my stay for the first two years in HK.

3 years within a month in HK. It seems long enough for more gatherings but farewells become the main subject while gatherings were little and thin for all kinds of excuses, reasons and issues.

Like these seconds which never stops flowing away and would never come back.

I handed in all applications and documents for my work visa extension the next morning. Another year in HK, with tremendous changes embedded in nervousness yet adventure.

I went to farewell another friend, an old schoolmate of mine on Sunday evening. Eating home-made style Chi. Food, while talking common old schoolmates, high-school entry exam, current status and futures which seem to be fixed with the main directions for each others, I couldn’t resist the helplessness coming out of nowhere in my mind. As it seems, whether being satisfied with your current life or not, the future is there, with a sigh for some feelings you cannot hide, escape or ignore. The only thing I can guarantee-so far, I still walk with danceable and fast steps.

In my younger time, I thought I was not happy enough and always wanted more. Now I know that I am with my happiness and just cannot stop my nervous fear for the future. It is all because of my insecurities-fear not being able to have fun if being too cautious, or not being able to maintain if being too relaxed.

Then I realized I feel happier and worried-free when once in a while, I go out of my mind and utter some childlike directness of speech.

“Gloria you need to grow up…” My boss said to me in a semi-joking semi-serious tune while I did that in the office one day-luckily not for work.

If, my little innocence and childishness remain in me will soon flow away like that 123456789 moment and never come back, please allow me to keep these silly seconds once in a while, or the moment when I felt happier receiving a Hello Kitty than a bouquet.

I might soon, pathetically, only long for the diamond.

-xG.

One Night@TST

 

Taste me like a glass of divine wine

and get drunk by the eyes and smile

The night is swinging

Seemingly

The sound of horses’ hoofs

drawing close by

She smelt the Lychee with an appreciated heart

 

Lights

They are stars

shimmering on the nude harbor

No fog, No sleep

Krust Terrance, Victoria Harbor, Park Lane

Or this corner at the bar

makes no difference as

I have been

yet all in blur and doubt

 

Watched the Ocean Passion

Heard glasses clink around

Touched many coquettish colors

mixed

A feast of cocktails

 

Drinks fades with the rhythm

The magic of Cinderella after 12

vanished with clamor

Just as nobody has ever come

Only the fragrance remains

It flows cross the sea

 

Like a dream yet not dreamable

Like reality yet not real

Like a dream and like reality

Fall asleep

and always be waken up

 

                 Berries Paradise

             @Island Seafood

  @ Santa Lucia 

-xG.

Words for a Friend

“Dear G.,

I’m resting in his haven but he’s away because the sun has risen. I know he will be gone. Shall I wait till another dawn, however he might be resting in another haven by then…or shall I sail again on my own without a trace?

-a wounded boat”

The moment I got this offline msg, I starred at the screen for  around 60 seconds. My fingers were on the keyboard but had the faintest clue of what buttons to press. Eventually I clicked the “x” of the window.

…….

That weekend I had a good movie, a nice dinner, some walks in the city and a drink in a deluxe Jazz club. When I returned home recalling my day, suddenly I thought of this.

Everything happens for a reason.

I know I should tell you this. I don’t have answer to your question, and not every question has the answer. All I know, is what happened today, comes from what had happened in the past, which was like riding a roller coaster in my mind for a whole week while I acted calm. And now, the game is finally over.

This sentence may sound too old to refresh your mind, yet it is the truth of the truth.

I have been recalling. What drives me to make some decision? It is the lesson I learnt from the previous error; what drives me to the next decision? It is the result of the previous decision. And the next next decision counts on the result of that previous “next decision”…it goes on and on, and logically linking every slide of life fragment into a book with different related chapters, as long as you use more metaphor and imagination, you make it vivid and rich.

Life will always gift those who are brave enough to dream and action, even the bridges in between are mutilated, haltingly you will reach another side for a brighter future.

Assuming it does happen for a reason, the conclusions for you will be:

life can only move forward while lesson learnt afterwards. Don’t wait and think there’s always time left and only go to conclusions till life is too bulky to carry on, usually things happen all of a sudden that you have no time to ponder, and whether this decision is a panic or mature one, counts on your previous life assemble. Even you made a wrong decision, it is still not too late for the first few times, think positive and you can still walk a crooked way to get back to the right track. the most important thing, is never to make two same wrong decisions on one same or similar thing and still hope for it, that makes nothing but an idiot and empty dreamer.

Don’t ever try to change yourself simply because other judges you by their minds. You change for better only for the right judgment you make for yourself. We always have space to improve ourselves, but you are who you are, the unique one. Your time should be used to complete yourself instead of compromising others, keep on searching till you find the circle that really appreciates and likes you.

Be brave to take whatever will come for things you have decided and experienced.  Nothing is wrong or right but only the way you think it is, and there’s no necessary to regret and doubt yourself. For some people, they are worth staying and waiting for; for some, you have given them time and chance while they realize not, pretend not knowing or react not, you should go and let go, leave a graceful view of back for them to regret not grabbing in time. You need to know how to cherish what you own, you need to know more how to choose and what to give up. 

“Dear,

Everything happens for a reason. Those words are for you, and for myself too. In short, live your own life  to the fullest, like which I am positively tryinig to. Whenever resting in your haven or sailing to the sea, the wound heals itself with a brave heart.

-xG.”

Time Told Me(IV)

I

tear off my memory

kept the stub of the ticket
sealed it in the can

and poured some Vodka

I wish

before it is drunk to death

The passion would not have expired

with happiness it dances to its grave

You

nagged about your cigar

smoked the silence

experienced the suffocation

and lit up a match

You hope

before it dies out

The guilt could have been burnt

in a blink it explodes into blood and flesh

Keep your eyes shut while leaving

Walk straight

Turn off the light

and close the door

Do not ever pay a glance to

that half a bleeding face

or that warm stump of limb

Is that

we seperated

as we wanted to

or time told me

it just bacame pale

as it had to be

我撕毁了记忆  

留住了票根     

放进罐头里密封 

加一些伏特加    

但愿它醉死之前  

激情仍未过期    

便可带着幸福入坟墓 

你叨念着香烟

抽起了沉默

憋住氧气体验窒息

点一根火柴

期盼它熄灭之前

愧疚已被点燃

就能炸得血肉模糊

离去的时候请闭眼

径直走

关上灯

带上门

别管地上还流血的半边脸

还温存的残肢

是我们

想散了就散了

还是时间

说淡了就淡了

The Libran Girl

When she decided to speak to you in person about the true feeling after all those mild implications, she has gone through unimaginable and numberless struggles in heart, which might have lasted several months, or even several years.

When she became silent, tender but smile only to you, she indicated she knew it all and would be willing to accept the inconvenient truth. She is so sensitive that she knew all the gimmicks and tricks or rather, “techniques”.

She would comb her forehead hair with her fingers randomly, symbolically trying to comb away all the gloom, although she knew clearly by herself, that she had never been that relaxed and cool as the gesture seemed.

She would go out as usual with a fine look, stay at home alone lazily, smile and laugh naturally, flirt with her social ability, while couldn’t control moisten her quilt last night in the dark bedroom and fell asleep.

You tramped and polluted her most sainted self-esteem. Your path would nv get crossed with her, since now on, it is built with a concrete wall.

To you, she would nv look back either. Even in future she bumped into the dead end and by that moment she is dispirited and helpless, she would rather make an end on her own instead of accepting your kind offer and help; and if it is you who would be dispirited and helpless, she would be silent, tender and only with a smile to you only.

She wanna go to a place she has nv been and get away from the current world. Always. Now.

The Lost-and-Found Ring

I finished moving all my stuff to the new apartment, lied down on the sofa and took a deep breath. Finally done! But this relaxation has not lasted long. I found a white round mark on my forefinger.
I screamed.
WHERE is my ring???

I suddenly went white-knuckled. I started to search in panic although I knew the chance was very slim. I saw it there yesterday, but had no idea when and how I lost it today. I had never taken it off since day one. Six, no, Eight years! Can you believe it has been with me 8 years? How many 8 years do I have?

After 1 hour I was totally in despair. The only thing on my mind was to call my mom even I knew it is useless for the result. I just needed to call her. Now.

“Mom~~~” I mourned.
She asked me what went wrong.
“I-Lost-My-Ring~~~” I said with a dragged and sobbing voice.
“Then just go and look for it. If cannot find it, then just forget it. Buy a new one, you can afford it.”
Of course, I knew that as well. But I just felt wronged and burst into tears. Oh me stupid, I am not 5 yrs old anymore.
“But it is not the one! I have been wearing it for 8 years! 8 years! No~~” I started rolling on my bed like being on stroke. It felt like something or someone who has been always with you yet it is gone. Gone.
Mom giggled.
“LOL, how old do you think you are? Ridiculous! Well, it is jewelry and it is likely to be missing. Even it has been with you more decades it can still be. ”

I was still sobbing knowing that no pouring water could be held back.

It was some moment’s silence over the phone and I heard my mom said:

“8 years is not a long time. You know sometimes I feel like losing you that you are working afar. I have been with you 20 years. I cannot imagine one day you behave like a typical “international lady” and I will lose you. Sometimes I worry and cry. It is me who should cry.”

And in the blink of an eye I felt a strong strike punched into my ear drums and rushed directly into my throat. It shut down all my lachrymal glands.

We were just being silent over the phone for 5 seconds till I heard her chuckled.

“Ok, hang up the phone, go and look for it again.”
“Hmm.” I said.
“If you cannot find it, go to sleep in your new apartment.”
“Hmm.” I hang the phone.

I sat up on my bed for a while and with my eye balls still. I just couldn’t believe what Mom said just now. I cannot say it was really irrelevant, but that metaphor sounds painful, how long has she held that feeling for?

What I couldn’t believe either, was I saw a piece of shinning metal lying quietly at the corner of the window bay. I picked it up and wore it back to my finer. It does not matter why and how it went there, it does matter I found it after such a twist, and finally I went to my new apartment with a sound sleep.

Mom gave it to me eight years ago when I stayed home the last year, then I left home for university, and for work till now. It has been with me.

I used to doubt the magic of that little ring thingy, and I am totally convinced. Unconsciously, the ring has you. It is a symbol of promise, to promise you lock yourself with someone important in life and be with him/her. I have been with it, am still with it, since the day I was away and made her feel lost, for 8 years, and longer.

Withered Flowers

All the flowers have already withered, wrinkled, or fallen. Water inside the vase slightly diffused a smell of decay for the third time.

I clearly know no matter what, I have to dump them this time. The humid season of spring grows gloom and decay everywhere. It is absolutely not easy for them to survive till now; even I tried hard to take care of them by all means.

That single rose bloomed elegantly for the first few days, the perfect pink color, passionate layers, have been undulating my heart; now she yields, her face looks yellow and wrinkled.

All of a sudden it reminded me lots of old wrinkled faces I see on the bus to work every day, and those unpleasant smells on them-smell of medicinal oil, fish and raw meat, old clothes, and some I have no idea what they are, and I don’t wish to know.

Even I was always standing there stuffing my iPod earphones with Rock or Pop, watching the scenes out of the bus window; I couldn’t resist the unhidden gloom flooding inside. I smelled the decay after their spring, and it is absolutely NOT the fragrance of summer blooms.

Like all these withered flowers.

Everyone has or had youth, is or was blooming, and everyone eventually cannot endure the brushing of time, we wrinkle, wither, and fall.

Why we need to be optimistic? Because in real world, life can only go lower and lower with time, we need the spirit to support our yielding heads and wrinkled skin.

We can limitedly expand our life, yet not change the destiny of ending. Quoted from Steve Jobs which I love, “ And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away.”

There will be a day, I am also the one who with the smell of decay, rotten in the rubbish bin and totally unrecyclable.

Then bloom, bloom as perfect as we can be, just bloom. Don’t over think, none will really ignore your smell of decay in the rubbish bin and only remember your fragrance in the past.

None but yourself.

No time, nowhere but now and here.

Gua said, the one who stays with you, is the one who’s gonna eat dust of life with you. I cannot agree more. But only where you are willing to yield your arrogant head, and not fancy the single beauty of not eating dust of life anymore, capitulate to time, and surrender to the love that looks up to you, when the day, you yield and you two look at each other in a parallel line.

The smoker

My dream sitting on the window bay

smoking an endless cigarette

her eye sight stabbed me like a sharp knife

I torn all her hair and

threw out of the window

they turned into birds

flying afar and never came back

 

she is now a bald nightmare

making love with my insomnia

so I get up

smoking with her too

on the window bay

How long will my cigarette

 

burns

to the end?

 

1:24am, Feb 25 on the window bay@my bedroom

-xG.

The Knight in the Night

Night has fallen

softly

in his arms

so he hummed her to sleep

He saw a green leave

on her hair

with a tear brought by the wind

Slowly and gently

rolling into her eye

he smelled a pink smile

dancing in her dream

‘cause Spring has come

and stayed by her side

He heard the pouring rain

torturing his white horse

He sighed

He knew

He is not the knight of the night

Beautiful Night, how can I

simply

say goodbye?

 

-xG.

If life can go backwards...

G.J. wrote on my fb’ wall, “actually 2008 was a definitive year for me. Needed all the growth to be a better person... and GROWTH hurts...”

I wrote back. ” I know, but life is no moving backwards. My 2008 was def. not easy for me as well...but you can also say, it hurts but we are growing, BE POSITIVE and what goes around comes around, dear. “

I said so, for some days ago when I greeted Polly “Happy 2009” I missed a “0”, I joked that in my subconscious I still wish I would grow younger.

She teased me, “Come on, life is no moving backwards but forwards....”

Even in the eye of me a non-absolutismnist, the hypothesis of “go backwards” is pale. At most, a beautiful fairy tale.

However…

Not until I watched the movie “The curious case of Benjamin Button”. It happened to be a man’s life going backwards, from moribund, to mid-aged, to teen, to infant, and dead.

He met his beloved girl when he was old, and bumped together with passionate spark like a dicephalous fuse in their middle, eventually died in swaddling in his lover’s arms, an old lady who re-married and raised their daughter.

His mother died for dystocia and his father disserted him; he watched his foster mother, friends, families dying; he left his own daughter and partner when she was little till she was older than him and couldn’t tidy up his life time memories with acnes on his face.

A life with fairy tale, and full scars of sorrow.

After all, the fairy tale can only exist in beautiful imagination; it burst like a bubble when exposed in the air.

The truth is, even life can go backwards, the livelihood, experience and thoughts cannot. Only in finite time and space, what we lost and what we cannot gain are the most precious. It has been repeated and been verified over thousands of years yet we still doubt from time to time due to our greed, for those we cannot get, those we cannot realize.

Such as, immortal youth, never-departed partners, families and friends.

“Why Edward refused to bite Bella and turned her into a vampire, then they could be live happily together ever after…” F. asked me when she was still dwelled in the movie “Twilight” in Dec.

“Maybe he just felt tired of the pain his immortal life brought him and didn’t wanna pass it to his partner; maybe he does not believe immortal love would exist either, because only finite love has real value and scarce meaning. “

“Or maybe it is the best way to earn more money selling a trilogy fictions and movies” I made her laughter.

Or maybe, in my own subconscious, I still wish that life can go backwards, to prevent the disturbance that the “tip-tock” has been bringing, and pretend to know nothing about the bellicosity of reality when it approaches me.

And eventually, die with an innocent mind in my swaddling.