Sex and the City Movie Night

I went to the cinema watching Sex and the City with a troop of friends on a rainy Friday night. Laughter and sighs and sounds of admiration burnt every few seconds.

It was also the very first time, I dressed up only for entering the cinema and not for two, because I decided to forget the reason why I have to do certain things on some remarkable days, and it was one of those. If, everything really happens for a reason, it should be out there even I don’t know where at that moment.
Time will tell.

I. Queens in the City

For most ladies, quoted from a friend, “well, it is worth seeing even only coming for the labels, oh clothes oh shoes…”

It is. Sexy, funny, glamorous, all labels ran in front of you with hundreds of sponsors. But I just lost in my recalling of a conversation I had with my previous U mate in GZ. We haven’t met for 2 years, and he kind of changed from shy and quiet to talkative and confident.

When talking about independent women, he said, “I read some magazines, it is said there’s one kind of women, they are rich, beautiful and successful, but they are all single. Well, for those I can only say, I respect, but cannot accept.”

I smiled, swallowed my words back with food, because I know no matter what I would have said, it would gonna be silence with embarrassment.

Man can never understand the struggle of this kind of women. If they are rich, beautiful and successful, those are queens of women. But unfortunately, kings are not enough.

Don’t be a queen, or your desire will rise. You want romance and also a connective spirit. You desire a man who can love you by his heart and act with romance, and also can be your soul mate. Well, this kind of men extinct hundreds of years ago.

Don’t be a queen, or you will forget in fact you are just some normal woman. On one hand you wanna be Ms. Big on your career, not willing to sacrifice for the man you appreciate; on the other hand you dislike “Mr. Small”, who would like to hunt on you for any of your wisdom or money or meat. Therefore, you will be an abnormal woman no matter in front of any kinds of man. The desire of being aggressive outside and being taken care of inside shuffle every second.

Don’t be a queen, or you will lose the identity and the charm of a woman. You are among a troop of men, your thoughts become more and more rational, your wisdom becomes more and more intelligent, your future becomes brighter and brighter, you see everything more and more practical. You cannot act like normal girls because you fear gossips; you cannot be shy with sexual topics since you wanna join in the talk; you cannot show your love for your self-esteem and would rather it rot in your tummy and pretend that you don’t care a shit of it, while you cry alone at night.

Don’t be a queen, or you will lose the primary measure you had for yourself. Your vision is sharp, you don’t have the courage to ignore anything else, you care how others regard you and never bet all on the table, you always think faster than others. The predictable pain haunts you all the time. Perhaps at first you only need someone who loves you, and then someone you can communicate, and at last you don’t even know whom you want and what’s your cup of tea.

I was brought back to the cinema by laughter. Oh, WTF was I thinking about? Can’t I just lay back and enjoy it?

The city is full of “desperate singles”. So that’s why they made a Hollywood Love ending and make sure all ladies tear with happiness and hope and cash flow into the box office.



II HK THE CITY


It was raining like hell non-stop that day and I was so determined to go back home after the movie, but I stepped all my way into Central afterwards because I couldn’t leave one of my friends who made an upset call alone in a bar.

Well, we do break our promises even made to ourselves sometimes by reasons; just some are reasonable some are only excuses.

Parties were on everywhere; it seemed the only difference that night was some wet umbrellas at the door. Loud music, glamorous girls and drinkers, people danced and flirted as usual.

I was abused by a drunker on my way to my friend’s, not even defended because one hand with my big bag the other with my umbrella; and my umbrella was gone while I left; when I looked up at the rain without shelter I saw big billboards of labels, I saw LV bags in the display shelf.

At that moment I thought, I am in THE CITY.

When Jackson my feminist friend told me HK is such a Sex and the City I was doubtful. Yes, it is developed and glamorous but to me it is still some distance to that point. I became a little bit more convinced after my Vagina Monologue Show. And then I read his blog. It was really a bit out of my surprise. Wow, actually it did happen around us, the womanpower thing, if he didn’t make out those stories. BTW, what’s the point to make out feminist stories by a man?

So it should be some part, some people, some circles in THE CITY, just somewhere I didn’t go and explore.

I keep on meeting new people who turn out to have common friends with me on Facebook, and we all said HK is small.

That night I kind of thought, maybe HK is not that small. Just…our circles are. Friends you meet are someone in common; friends’ friends are someone in common too. Birds with the same feather flock together.

Maybe, each of us is just the frog in the well, seeing the corner of the sky and took it for a whole.

If it were THE CITY, it should be much more “colorful” than expected. Well, I was “black and white” and someone was “coloring out of line”.

Then, where is the gap between? How to make the harmony? And how the harmony makes THE CITY?

When I have no answer, I ask for more.
And it just makes another sleepless night.

G. in a Carrie Mind
6 Jun 08

Full of Hope

A signal of Red Rain, an early summer with continuous moisture.
11:11pm, 0:00, 01:11am. I saw all the “coincidence” number of time on my laptop, microwave oven, everywhere, with casual scans. Reading the materials on the screen, I felt so comfortable and relaxed. The rhythm of rain knocking on my windows, with the music of “New York State of Mind”, seemingly dropped on my heart.

I cured my “Rainy Day Gloom Syndrome” without notice. Those days were gone. Those days when I felt sad and anxious by no reason in my room with rainfall outside, in some moment that I didn’t have time to take care of, became a history all of a sudden. Now even I wanna recall them right now, don’t know where they came, and where they gone.

A full email box after yesterday’s training, loads of deadlines, and the boss added more assignments before his Monday leave on Friday night with all deadlines Tuesday, and a fully scheduled Monday of meeting, panel interview and annual review rushing along MTR. I should have screamed in the washroom as usual, but I didn’t. I worked while humming songs with incredible speed and which made me extra work.

And I cured my “depression and anxiety syndrome” as well. It seems like my so-called “Pressure is drive” became “non-pressure drive”.

I said Hi to Joey on QQ at midnight; I said I am busy but no pressure.
“Yeah, I know. Full of hope.” She said.
Full of hope. That’s it, bingo.

Hope sounds quite abstract, but feels full. We all live with hope and pursuit, just when the society becomes more and more material and people becomes more and more shortsighted, we forget the existence of hope and gradually lose the power of having hope. Covered by the dust of secularism, the surface of hope is full of rust, and hope itself turns into disappointment, even hopelessness.

However, there is some “coincidence”, when time digs out a thread of light, where you see the dust flying; you would like to believe the power of try and giving, you are possible to make yourself full of hope simply because of one word, one smile, or one handshake.

2:22 Am. I saw another repeated number of times. Steph told me that some said it means someone is missing you. Ok, no matter who is it, then I should believe I have the value of being missed.

So I can be full of hope.

3:33 Am. sitting in my balcony with brainstorming, with sound of rain filled my ears. Rain splashed on my laptop screen, reflects 7 kinds of colors with my snowy .doc background.

Even in rainy days, even in the dark before sunrise, the rainbow showed in a tiny rain drop, I see the trace full of sunshine.

Gold will shine, bird will fly, eventually.

Dance in a full moon night

I danced with a man
In a full moon night
Our shadows mingled together
Our souls apart
With distance of a whole Atlantic

I stared at his eyes
When he looked away
He was smiling
With a drop of black tear
Hanging on his beautiful face
Covered by
the color of the night

In the rhythm
We turned
Our bodies separated
Our shadows apart
I left him my handkerchief in the pocket
Vanished
amid the night

I dance with my shadow
In a full moon night
Body and soul apart
I am smiling
With all tears unwiped

xG.

The next second, C’est La Vie

When you stay too long in a convenient, crowded and developed city, usually it comes two results. One is you endeavor to settle down, fear that you would fall into your panic and jolt in the past; the other is you endeavor to leave, thinking that there should be better places out there, a lot of views unseen, a lot of voices unheard, a lot of stories untold.

However, life is always unpredictable and unexpected, and always goes the wrong direction against your will.

There’s a kind of status, which you wanna settle down but have to leave, or you don’t wanna settle down but have to stay.

It is just like you go for some relaxation in an adorable café where you always be. It is right there at the corner, and you are walking on the most familiar street. Suddenly you found the street is under construction that you have to make a detour. It seems pretty close but you get lost feeling like walking in the maze. And you see another similar café in front of you. So you hastate and stand there.

The I some years ago, probably would be crying and up against the wall; the I one year ago, probably would be pouting and scratching my head with moisture in my eyes without tears.
What about the me now?
I stand still and hum songs, thinking randomly that what I would like to drink once entering, or if I wear the right shoes getting ready for the future walk.

When in a dilemma, some chooses to hide himself, some to seal himself, but I learn to forget myself, right at that second at that point-that moment I forget who I am, why I stand here, what I am doing.

If next step of life is always unpredictable and unexpected, sometimes try not to think. If the Creator really exists and he loves teasing people, then let him not knowing what I am thinking.

Even I myself was white-knuckled by what I have changed for 16 months’ time here. Many things are skimming over the surface and ephemeral when you see them through. No matter what you choose in the end, as long as you strive for it, as long as you have a clear conscience, whatever will be, will be.

I got changed and went downstairs to jog in the park for fresh air. It rained and became heavier and heavier. I ran back home, took my umbrella and went down again. The rain stopped, and I finished my 5 kms.

The next second, someone might point out my way to the previous café, and I have energy and a pair of good shoes; the next second someone might ask me for a coffee in the new café, and I know what I would like to drink; the next second, I might not yet find my way, know nobody, and both cafes closed, then I shall home.

The next second, might be totally upside down. Think of the worst result. Go and greet it as long as you can accept it.

And the next second comes in a blink of an eye. The first time in life, I can never be calmer, like the evening after the rain.