Don’t know since when, I get used to all my friends’ leaving. Some were caught for a last supper or a last drink, some even couldn’t meet up and I just sent a sms, made a call, sent an email or a post, and the content was more or less “good luck, all the best, hopefully see you in future”, etc. I hardly thought of any words that seem more meaningful than that.
I am not a “self fish” or a cold fish, or getting colder and don’t care anymore, I am still the sentimental me. However I just simply realized the essence of “whatever can breathe could never stay forever by your side”, besides, they left for a better future, by which I should feel happy for them and try to ignore the reality that my friends are becoming less and less, I mean, geographically.
And lots of people couldn’t resist leaving, saying it is a city full of emptiness, depression, cold, fakeness, materialism etc, they fled and hided from this heart-breaking place, while I crippled back after a low ride to experience all over again, plus the fact that more friends are leaving. But all together with the current Financial Tsunami can hardly arouse any emotional waves in me, except somehow with ripples of pity.
And some settle here, however communication only via phone and internet could erase my doubt that they evaporated from the city too. Been busy, next time, no problem, nvm, are all words concluded for a conversation. Maybe to them, I evaporate too.
Now every abnormal syndrome within this city cannot get me mad because I get used to all, and it is fate that drove me back in Autumn. Sometimes my sentiment blow like cool wind of this cool season, after several colds, I learnt how to wrap myself with thick clothes tight.
I know I cannot hide. I came back to face them. I sincerely hope that I can also get used to my fear and pain, and then I will be immune.
This city is incurable. Too much palpitation and passion are doomed to be crashed by crude reality, while those people and things continue to leave one by one and you are left alone waiting in the same place to be rescued. Since you cannot forgive and comprehend all that happened and still happening, it would be better not scoop out too many emotions but save a little for your heart for soft landing. As time goes by, you take out less and less, the wall of heart gets thicker and thicker, till nothing is easy to touch your nerve and react with your neurons.
Most people here are immune. I suddenly think of Dogville with a Nichole Kidman.
And this reality, seems beyond all the sorrow I have been used to.
(Photo by Dizine Chen, SH, PRC)
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