The Glory of Gloria

Rolling Bubbles

2010-07-05T22:59:00.001+08:00

I just feel like seeing myself standing there staring the washing machine, and those bubbles rolling like my feelings in the stomach.

I suddenly remembered those words I read randomly on that magazine. I was so deeply touched, unexpectedly, by such a simple heart-breaking story which I have never been in before.

I just so understand the same kind of pain behind the story, or love, as I knew it. The emotion started to seep out of the page, flowing everywhere……

Everywhere, the bubbles. And the next thing I realized in a second, I am in the flood.

-xG.

Sorrow

2010-06-13T14:30:00.001+08:00

Recently again, I always feel the sorrow tiding up high to my heart. In the office, on the MTR on/off work, alone in the piano concert, in the hectic street, in my comfy room.

And the sorrow, no more the embellishment to my innocent youth, it is the stains and specks of repeated life, day after day, being exposed in the river of time. So glaring, so terrifying.

The gradual faded passion, gradual vanish baby-fat, gradual ordinary mouth corner, gradual tired eyes, and gradual distant crowds.

Occasionally, on the road, in the lift, upon seeing cute pets and adorable kids, I smiled hard in my heart, at those very moments, endeavor to grab my misty, innocent-used-to-be soul.

Yet I still cry like a mess for stupid chip flick and cartoons, fortunately or unfortunately. However how many crystal tears, which are turned into by the leftover sense of pureness, can I shed?

What an adult world, the reality battle that we trade our youth for the bills, it does not need poets or romanticism, but the fights and killings with red eyes.

The sense of sorrow strides me once again while I was haunted by the thoughts and attacked my inspiration.

-xG.

Never Happen, again

2009-08-12T20:57:00.002+08:00

7^th Aug. I received an Email from a frd:

12:34:56, 07/08/09-this amazing second today, will never happen in your life again!

At a glance, indeed amazing. I forwarded to my colleagues and one sitting afar opposite to me, slowly uttered some words in a lazy tune:

“Actually every second in your life, will never happen in your life again~~~”

Totally provoking. Amazingly true.

Perhaps we indeed pay over-attention to those “special moments”, and ignored those which seemed valueless while would never ever come back again.

As long as in that second, you feel affable, peaceful, and secured, it is a second of happiness.

I went to farewell the friend, Mark, who sent me that Email in the evening. He is going back to China for work the next morning after 3 years in HK. A lot of faces I haven’t seen for long, some more new faces I have never seen before, flocked together because of this farewell. Due to the strain of time, I had a hurry drink to the bottom, gave Mark a hug and then left. I haven’t come to this area for long, though it hasn’t been changed that much, almost the first time, with hurried steps and I realized I gradually lost the sense of belonging, what I have assembled during my stay for the first two years in HK.

3 years within a month in HK. It seems long enough for more gatherings but farewells become the main subject while gatherings were little and thin for all kinds of excuses, reasons and issues.

Like these seconds which never stops flowing away and would never come back.

I handed in all applications and documents for my work visa extension the next morning. Another year in HK, with tremendous changes embedded in nervousness yet adventure.

I went to farewell another friend, an old schoolmate of mine on Sunday evening. Eating home-made style Chi. Food, while talking common old schoolmates, high-school entry exam, current status and futures which seem to be fixed with the main directions for each others, I couldn’t resist the helplessness coming out of nowhere in my mind. As it seems, whether being satisfied with your current life or not, the future is there, with a sigh for some feelings you cannot hide, escape or ignore. The only thing I can guarantee-so far, I still walk with danceable and fast steps.

In my younger time, I thought I was not happy enough and always wanted more. Now I know that I am with my happiness and just cannot stop my nervous fear for the future. It is all because of my insecurities-fear not being able to have fun if being too cautious, or not being able to maintain if being too relaxed.

Then I realized I feel happier and worried-free when once in a while, I go out of my mind and utter some childlike directness of speech.

“Gloria you need to grow up…” My boss said to me in a semi-joking semi-serious tune while I did that in the office one day-luckily not for work.

If, my little innocence and childishness remain in me will soon flow away like that 123456789 moment and never come back, please allow me to keep these silly seconds once in a while, or the moment when I felt happier receiving a Hello Kitty than a bouquet.

I might soon, pathetically, only long for the diamond.

-xG.

One Night@TST

2009-06-22T23:16:00.001+08:00

Taste me like a glass of divine wine

and get drunk by the eyes and smile

The night is swinging

Seemingly

The sound of horses’ hoofs

drawing close by

She smelt the Lychee with an appreciated heart

Lights

They are stars

shimmering on the nude harbor

No fog, No sleep

Krust Terrance, Victoria Harbor, Park Lane

Or this corner at the bar

makes no difference as

I have been

yet all in blur and doubt

Watched the Ocean Passion

Heard glasses clink around

Touched many coquettish colors

mixed

A feast of cocktails

Drinks fades with the rhythm

The magic of Cinderella after 12

vanished with clamor

Just as nobody has ever come

Only the fragrance remains

It flows cross the sea

Like a dream yet not dreamable

Like reality yet not real

Like a dream and like reality

Fall asleep

and always be waken up

Berries Paradise

@Island Seafood

@ Santa Lucia

-xG.

Words for a Friend

2009-06-09T20:27:00.003+08:00

“Dear G.,

I’m resting in his haven but he’s away because the sun has risen. I know he will be gone. Shall I wait till another dawn, however he might be resting in another haven by then…or shall I sail again on my own without a trace?

-a wounded boat”

The moment I got this offline msg, I starred at the screen for around 60 seconds. My fingers were on the keyboard but had the faintest clue of what buttons to press. Eventually I clicked the “x” of the window.

…….

That weekend I had a good movie, a nice dinner, some walks in the city and a drink in a deluxe Jazz club. When I returned home recalling my day, suddenly I thought of this.

Everything happens for a reason.

I know I should tell you this. I don’t have answer to your question, and not every question has the answer. All I know, is what happened today, comes from what had happened in the past, which was like riding a roller coaster in my mind for a whole week while I acted calm. And now, the game is finally over.

This sentence may sound too old to refresh your mind, yet it is the truth of the truth.

I have been recalling. What drives me to make some decision? It is the lesson I learnt from the previous error; what drives me to the next decision? It is the result of the previous decision. And the next next decision counts on the result of that previous “next decision”…it goes on and on, and logically linking every slide of life fragment into a book with different related chapters, as long as you use more metaphor and imagination, you make it vivid and rich.

Life will always gift those who are brave enough to dream and action, even the bridges in between are mutilated, haltingly you will reach another side for a brighter future.

Assuming it does happen for a reason, the conclusions for you will be:

life can only move forward while lesson learnt afterwards. Don’t wait and think there’s always time left and only go to conclusions till life is too bulky to carry on, usually things happen all of a sudden that you have no time to ponder, and whether this decision is a panic or mature one, counts on your previous life assemble. Even you made a wrong decision, it is still not too late for the first few times, think positive and you can still walk a crooked way to get back to the right track. the most important thing, is never to make two same wrong decisions on one same or similar thing and still hope for it, that makes nothing but an idiot and empty dreamer.

Don’t ever try to change yourself simply because other judges you by their minds. You change for better only for the right judgment you make for yourself. We always have space to improve ourselves, but you are who you are, the unique one. Your time should be used to complete yourself instead of compromising others, keep on searching till you find the circle that really appreciates and likes you.

Be brave to take whatever will come for things you have decided and experienced. Nothing is wrong or right but only the way you think it is, and there’s no necessary to regret and doubt yourself. For some people, they are worth staying and waiting for; for some, you have given them time and chance while they realize not, pretend not knowing or react not, you should go and let go, leave a graceful view of back for them to regret not grabbing in time. You need to know how to cherish what you own, you need to know more how to choose and what to give up.

“Dear,

Everything happens for a reason. Those words are for you, and for myself too. In short, live your own life to the fullest, like which I am positively tryinig to. Whenever resting in your haven or sailing to the sea, the wound heals itself with a brave heart.

-xG.”

Time Told Me(IV)

2009-05-07T23:04:00.002+08:00

tear off my memory

kept the stub of the ticket
sealed it in the can

and poured some Vodka

I wish

before it is drunk to death

The passion would not have expired

with happiness it dances to its grave

You

nagged about your cigar

smoked the silence

experienced the suffocation

and lit up a match

You hope

before it dies out

The guilt could have been burnt

in a blink it explodes into blood and flesh

Keep your eyes shut while leaving

Walk straight

Turn off the light

and close the door

Do not ever pay a glance to

that half a bleeding face

or that warm stump of limb

Is that

we seperated

as we wanted to

or time told me

it just bacame pale

as it had to be

我撕毁了记忆

留住了票根

放进罐头里密封

加一些伏特加

但愿它醉死之前

激情仍未过期

便可带着幸福入坟墓

你叨念着香烟

抽起了沉默

憋住氧气体验窒息

点一根火柴

期盼它熄灭之前

愧疚已被点燃

就能炸得血肉模糊

离去的时候请闭眼

径直走

关上灯

带上门

别管地上还流血的半边脸

还温存的残肢

是我们

想散了就散了

还是时间

说淡了就淡了

The Libran Girl

2009-03-16T17:07:00.000+08:00

When she decided to speak to you in person about the true feeling after all those mild implications, she has gone through unimaginable and numberless struggles in heart, which might have lasted several months, or even several years.

When she became silent, tender but smile only to you, she indicated she knew it all and would be willing to accept the inconvenient truth. She is so sensitive that she knew all the gimmicks and tricks or rather, “techniques”.

She would comb her forehead hair with her fingers randomly, symbolically trying to comb away all the gloom, although she knew clearly by herself, that she had never been that relaxed and cool as the gesture seemed.

She would go out as usual with a fine look, stay at home alone lazily, smile and laugh naturally, flirt with her social ability, while couldn’t control moisten her quilt last night in the dark bedroom and fell asleep.

You tramped and polluted her most sainted self-esteem. Your path would nv get crossed with her, since now on, it is built with a concrete wall.

To you, she would nv look back either. Even in future she bumped into the dead end and by that moment she is dispirited and helpless, she would rather make an end on her own instead of accepting your kind offer and help; and if it is you who would be dispirited and helpless, she would be silent, tender and only with a smile to you only.

She wanna go to a place she has nv been and get away from the current world. Always. Now.

The Lost-and-Found Ring

2009-03-13T14:58:00.001+08:00

I finished moving all my stuff to the new apartment, lied down on the sofa and took a deep breath. Finally done! But this relaxation has not lasted long. I found a white round mark on my forefinger.
I screamed.
WHERE is my ring???

I suddenly went white-knuckled. I started to search in panic although I knew the chance was very slim. I saw it there yesterday, but had no idea when and how I lost it today. I had never taken it off since day one. Six, no, Eight years! Can you believe it has been with me 8 years? How many 8 years do I have?

After 1 hour I was totally in despair. The only thing on my mind was to call my mom even I knew it is useless for the result. I just needed to call her. Now.

“Mom~~~” I mourned.
She asked me what went wrong.
“I-Lost-My-Ring~~~” I said with a dragged and sobbing voice.
“Then just go and look for it. If cannot find it, then just forget it. Buy a new one, you can afford it.”
Of course, I knew that as well. But I just felt wronged and burst into tears. Oh me stupid, I am not 5 yrs old anymore.
“But it is not the one! I have been wearing it for 8 years! 8 years! No~~” I started rolling on my bed like being on stroke. It felt like something or someone who has been always with you yet it is gone. Gone.
Mom giggled.
“LOL, how old do you think you are? Ridiculous! Well, it is jewelry and it is likely to be missing. Even it has been with you more decades it can still be. ”

I was still sobbing knowing that no pouring water could be held back.

It was some moment’s silence over the phone and I heard my mom said:

“8 years is not a long time. You know sometimes I feel like losing you that you are working afar. I have been with you 20 years. I cannot imagine one day you behave like a typical “international lady” and I will lose you. Sometimes I worry and cry. It is me who should cry.”

And in the blink of an eye I felt a strong strike punched into my ear drums and rushed directly into my throat. It shut down all my lachrymal glands.

We were just being silent over the phone for 5 seconds till I heard her chuckled.

“Ok, hang up the phone, go and look for it again.”
“Hmm.” I said.
“If you cannot find it, go to sleep in your new apartment.”
“Hmm.” I hang the phone.

I sat up on my bed for a while and with my eye balls still. I just couldn’t believe what Mom said just now. I cannot say it was really irrelevant, but that metaphor sounds painful, how long has she held that feeling for?

What I couldn’t believe either, was I saw a piece of shinning metal lying quietly at the corner of the window bay. I picked it up and wore it back to my finer. It does not matter why and how it went there, it does matter I found it after such a twist, and finally I went to my new apartment with a sound sleep.

Mom gave it to me eight years ago when I stayed home the last year, then I left home for university, and for work till now. It has been with me.

I used to doubt the magic of that little ring thingy, and I am totally convinced. Unconsciously, the ring has you. It is a symbol of promise, to promise you lock yourself with someone important in life and be with him/her. I have been with it, am still with it, since the day I was away and made her feel lost, for 8 years, and longer.

Withered Flowers

2009-03-05T20:24:00.002+08:00

All the flowers have already withered, wrinkled, or fallen. Water inside the vase slightly diffused a smell of decay for the third time.

I clearly know no matter what, I have to dump them this time. The humid season of spring grows gloom and decay everywhere. It is absolutely not easy for them to survive till now; even I tried hard to take care of them by all means.

That single rose bloomed elegantly for the first few days, the perfect pink color, passionate layers, have been undulating my heart; now she yields, her face looks yellow and wrinkled.

All of a sudden it reminded me lots of old wrinkled faces I see on the bus to work every day, and those unpleasant smells on them-smell of medicinal oil, fish and raw meat, old clothes, and some I have no idea what they are, and I don’t wish to know.

Even I was always standing there stuffing my iPod earphones with Rock or Pop, watching the scenes out of the bus window; I couldn’t resist the unhidden gloom flooding inside. I smelled the decay after their spring, and it is absolutely NOT the fragrance of summer blooms.

Like all these withered flowers.

Everyone has or had youth, is or was blooming, and everyone eventually cannot endure the brushing of time, we wrinkle, wither, and fall.

Why we need to be optimistic? Because in real world, life can only go lower and lower with time, we need the spirit to support our yielding heads and wrinkled skin.

We can limitedly expand our life, yet not change the destiny of ending. Quoted from Steve Jobs which I love, “ And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away.”

There will be a day, I am also the one who with the smell of decay, rotten in the rubbish bin and totally unrecyclable.

Then bloom, bloom as perfect as we can be, just bloom. Don’t over think, none will really ignore your smell of decay in the rubbish bin and only remember your fragrance in the past.

None but yourself.

No time, nowhere but now and here.

Gua said, the one who stays with you, is the one who’s gonna eat dust of life with you. I cannot agree more. But only where you are willing to yield your arrogant head, and not fancy the single beauty of not eating dust of life anymore, capitulate to time, and surrender to the love that looks up to you, when the day, you yield and you two look at each other in a parallel line.

The smoker

2009-02-25T01:37:00.001+08:00

My dream sitting on the window bay

smoking an endless cigarette

her eye sight stabbed me like a sharp knife

I torn all her hair and

threw out of the window

they turned into birds

flying afar and never came back

she is now a bald nightmare

making love with my insomnia

so I get up

smoking with her too

on the window bay

How long will my cigarette

burns

to the end?

1:24am, Feb 25 on the window bay@my bedroom

-xG.

The Knight in the Night

2009-02-19T00:40:00.002+08:00

Night has fallen

softly

in his arms

so he hummed her to sleep

He saw a green leave

on her hair

with a tear brought by the wind

Slowly and gently

rolling into her eye

he smelled a pink smile

dancing in her dream

‘cause Spring has come

and stayed by her side

He heard the pouring rain

torturing his white horse

He sighed

He knew

He is not the knight of the night

Beautiful Night, how can I

simply

say goodbye?

-xG.

If life can go backwards...

2009-01-12T12:10:00.001+08:00

G.J. wrote on my fb’ wall, “actually 2008 was a definitive year for me. Needed all the growth to be a better person... and GROWTH hurts...”

I wrote back. ” I know, but life is no moving backwards. My 2008 was def. not easy for me as well...but you can also say, it hurts but we are growing, BE POSITIVE and what goes around comes around, dear. “

I said so, for some days ago when I greeted Polly “Happy 2009” I missed a “0”, I joked that in my subconscious I still wish I would grow younger.

She teased me, “Come on, life is no moving backwards but forwards....”

Even in the eye of me a non-absolutismnist, the hypothesis of “go backwards” is pale. At most, a beautiful fairy tale.

However…

Not until I watched the movie “The curious case of Benjamin Button”. It happened to be a man’s life going backwards, from moribund, to mid-aged, to teen, to infant, and dead.

He met his beloved girl when he was old, and bumped together with passionate spark like a dicephalous fuse in their middle, eventually died in swaddling in his lover’s arms, an old lady who re-married and raised their daughter.

His mother died for dystocia and his father disserted him; he watched his foster mother, friends, families dying; he left his own daughter and partner when she was little till she was older than him and couldn’t tidy up his life time memories with acnes on his face.

A life with fairy tale, and full scars of sorrow.

After all, the fairy tale can only exist in beautiful imagination; it burst like a bubble when exposed in the air.

The truth is, even life can go backwards, the livelihood, experience and thoughts cannot. Only in finite time and space, what we lost and what we cannot gain are the most precious. It has been repeated and been verified over thousands of years yet we still doubt from time to time due to our greed, for those we cannot get, those we cannot realize.

Such as, immortal youth, never-departed partners, families and friends.

“Why Edward refused to bite Bella and turned her into a vampire, then they could be live happily together ever after…” F. asked me when she was still dwelled in the movie “Twilight” in Dec.

“Maybe he just felt tired of the pain his immortal life brought him and didn’t wanna pass it to his partner; maybe he does not believe immortal love would exist either, because only finite love has real value and scarce meaning. “

“Or maybe it is the best way to earn more money selling a trilogy fictions and movies” I made her laughter.

Or maybe, in my own subconscious, I still wish that life can go backwards, to prevent the disturbance that the “tip-tock” has been bringing, and pretend to know nothing about the bellicosity of reality when it approaches me.

And eventually, die with an innocent mind in my swaddling.

A wall with a door

2009-01-03T18:22:00.001+08:00

A description called “a wall, difficult and hard to get.”
Perhaps. But all walls have an invisible door or a window, cannot be seen but it is there.
Some didn’t find the door, some found it but didn’t knock, some knocked once, some knocked several times, but there were no responses. So they all went away.
Many times when the wall opened its door, nobody was there. So it closed.
One day when it opens, it happened that someone was out there, so he entered.
That’s what we call “the fate and the coincidence”, neither too early nor too late, right or wrong, just all about timing.
Those who we wait for but can never wait, are those who we pay back the time they have waited for us in our previous life;
Those who wait for us but we can never be waited, are those who we want them to pay back the time we have waited for them in our previous life;
Those who shall not be waited for, come suddenly to our door; even if they leave afterwards, we no need to wait for them anymore.
Because, once the wall opened the door and met a person, and that person’s arrival made the wall feel pleasant, the wall will increase the times it opens its door. Only some simple Opportunity Cost calculation.
A wall with a door, is difficult and hard to get, but definitely possible.

One Sentence 一句話

2008-12-22T17:03:00.002+08:00

There are many one-sentences I would like to say to different certain person; however they never came out of my mouth.
I was so determined to utter the words with many face-to-face moments, while that one simple sentence always became an Adam’s apple stuck in my throat. On my journey back alone, again and again, I swallowed word by word back to my stomach.
I have no idea whether I am timid, grudging, or selfish; just many one-sentences have gradually absorbed more and more humidity from time and sunk deeper and deeper into my heart, getting more and more difficult to stand by.
As time goes by, I learnt what is called SAY IT OR NEVER. I could only hope that, the mutual feelings do exist within each others, even I didn’t speak to those people, they can still feel it. I always feel self-ironic and laughed for my self-made fairy tales.
While some one-sentence, I told, unforeseeably. After some Christmas greetings on MSN, with my undersigned xG. and closed the MSN window. All of a suddenly I hesitated, typed and sent.
Btw, I feel happy for you.
After so many times of struggling, eventually I did it. I thought.
Very honest, he said, although I felt it for long, am very happy you said it.
It drove my tears running, slowly and slightly for hours. All the moist assembled with that sentence in one quarter of a year.
From time to time I usually complain myself, a girl who always being mistaken as talkative, straightforward, playful and shallow, shouldn’t have such a sensitive and serious interior. Rather than sad or fragile, it is the release of mission accomplished. Only I myself can truly understand the stir of this sentence before and after. Many things placed in heart which have been restless, turned out to be very simple once they came out and became reality of life, even tears shed for them are tasteless.
That sentence lies horizontally in the gap between us, like an invisible knife, I hesitated which side I should turn the blade to. In the end, habitually, I turned it to myself, when we hugged goodbye, I pulled and cut my heart in passing to vanish the gap.

有很多不同的一句話想對不同的人說，而始終沒有說出口。
很多次面對面的機會，打定了決心從肚子裏往上掏，卻總是來到喉嚨就變成了喉結，上下爲難。一個人的回程中，我總是一字一字地再往肚子裏咽。
我不清楚是我膽怯，不忍心，不捨得，還是自私。漸漸地很多一句話吸收了水分，越來越往心裏沉，越來越難stand by.
在年月裏，我明白了什麽叫做say it or never，於是我只能盼望，這個世上確實存在“心有靈犀”，即使我沒有說出口，對方也能感覺到，雖然這種微弱的願望時常令我自嘲並一笑而過。
而也有一句話，毫無預兆就說了。在MSN上送些聖誕祝願之後，已經署了xG.並關上了MSN的窗口，突然我就遲疑了一下，發了出去。
Btw, I feel happy for you.
心想，這麽多次掙扎，我終于都說了。
那個人說，即使感覺得到，聽到我說還是很開心，很實在。
隨後慢慢而輕輕地，流了几個小時的眼淚，起伏斷續。那是那一句話在一個季度裏所積攢的水分。
我時常埋怨自己，一個总被误当作喧鬧率直，玩世不恭的輕浮女子，本来不應該配有如此敏感和認真的内心。説是難過，説是脆弱，不如說是完成了心願后的釋然。也只有我自己，明白這句話前後的煎熬。很多東西擺在心中，困擾萬千，然而轉化為生活裏的那一霎那現實，卻簡單得如此，連眼淚都是淡的。
那一句話在彼此之間的間隔如一把無形的橫刀，我来回酝酿着刀刃的方向。而猶豫到最後，我還是習慣性把刀刃對向了自己，在我們擁別的時候，顺势推进了自己心裏。
xG.

Be used to…

2008-10-25T10:26:00.001+08:00

Don’t know since when, I get used to all my friends’ leaving. Some were caught for a last supper or a last drink, some even couldn’t meet up and I just sent a sms, made a call, sent an email or a post, and the content was more or less “good luck, all the best, hopefully see you in future”, etc. I hardly thought of any words that seem more meaningful than that.

I am not a “self fish” or a cold fish, or getting colder and don’t care anymore, I am still the sentimental me. However I just simply realized the essence of “whatever can breathe could never stay forever by your side”, besides, they left for a better future, by which I should feel happy for them and try to ignore the reality that my friends are becoming less and less, I mean, geographically.

And lots of people couldn’t resist leaving, saying it is a city full of emptiness, depression, cold, fakeness, materialism etc, they fled and hided from this heart-breaking place, while I crippled back after a low ride to experience all over again, plus the fact that more friends are leaving. But all together with the current Financial Tsunami can hardly arouse any emotional waves in me, except somehow with ripples of pity.

And some settle here, however communication only via phone and internet could erase my doubt that they evaporated from the city too. Been busy, next time, no problem, nvm, are all words concluded for a conversation. Maybe to them, I evaporate too.
Now every abnormal syndrome within this city cannot get me mad because I get used to all, and it is fate that drove me back in Autumn. Sometimes my sentiment blow like cool wind of this cool season, after several colds, I learnt how to wrap myself with thick clothes tight.

I know I cannot hide. I came back to face them. I sincerely hope that I can also get used to my fear and pain, and then I will be immune.

This city is incurable. Too much palpitation and passion are doomed to be crashed by crude reality, while those people and things continue to leave one by one and you are left alone waiting in the same place to be rescued. Since you cannot forgive and comprehend all that happened and still happening, it would be better not scoop out too many emotions but save a little for your heart for soft landing. As time goes by, you take out less and less, the wall of heart gets thicker and thicker, till nothing is easy to touch your nerve and react with your neurons.

Most people here are immune. I suddenly think of Dogville with a Nichole Kidman.
And this reality, seems beyond all the sorrow I have been used to.

(Photo by Dizine Chen, SH, PRC)

My Swollen Face

2008-09-12T01:23:00.001+08:00

I woke up with a swollen face since I drank too much water before sleep last night, and as expected, it is not a very happy day.

Days of reckoning should have begun, followed by a few days’ self-esteem and courage and it is time to depress since I have already used up my petrol and no more for refill recently.

It is exactly like I looked in the mirror the morning and saw my swollen face, which I was really not very happy with. Perhaps it is a sense of shame and regrets that is present within me based on what had happened of the past that still linger close behind me. I know I should end it up, and I am trying to, but I don’t know how patient and confident I could keep for my rainy days.

This shadow of insecurity continues to dwell in my life, and it is temporary, I will work through these feelings and identify the root of the problem, soon.

My swollen face gets back to normal after an espresso.
So will I.

Dream and Reality

2008-09-12T00:53:00.002+08:00

--- Re-watching Breakfast@Tiffany’s

Sometimes, simply because of one sentence, one commercial, one dialogue, one picture or something, you will suddenly discover your little dreams, which you have kept deep inside of you for long worrying that it would deteriorate while being exposed in the air.

You start to assume, that if I had kept on pursuing them regardless of anything in all those years, what kind of reality would be now in front of me?
Even in fantasy-only, your passion grows a pair of pure wings.

Then you see the inconvenient truth in the mirror. You start to feel blue, lamenting for the distance between your dreams and reality, sighing for choices of life you have already made, which were not what you really want to, but only choices made with mature ration forced by life. You can never spend your freedom, wildness and carelessness with no limitations like what you as a teen.

Those teen days, which were compared to only a piece of white paper, yet so beautiful and sparkling that you cannot resist looking back from time to time even the dazzle burns your eyes.

Now, dreams can only placed in the display window at Tiffany’s, when I feel heartbroken or moody, I will walk myself on the empty street and appreciate them through the glass, then make a satisfied and graceful smile, waving goodbye and again, stepping into my reality.

-xG.

An One-year Anniversary

2008-07-28T16:44:00.003+08:00

-Time between two Min’s Bday Parties

“The angel in the night
Turned into a demon in dawn
I could hardly touch my happiness”

-Satum Monologue, Law Pun

Commemoration of Shining

Another 3am, I walked leisurely in the familiar Queensway Road, with remain silver eye shadow, golden sparkling powder, shining tiara, and in pure white. I was stepping on the footprints one year ago, wondering how much dust under my feet still stayed in the same place, dancing with my steps after 365days?

“Hey how was the night?”A tall stranger asked me while coming towards me in an opposite direction.
“Great, you? ”
“Heading for fun, you are shining!”
“Thx, hv a fab night! See ya!”

Someone saw me in the dark. I was shining, or, I have been shining?

Today one year ago, I fell into this brand new world unconsciously. I have been thinking, how can I light this dark path at night and find my traveling partners? And today I know, all I can light, is the space of 1 sf. around me, and let them find me instead.

I don’t need to follow my way, my way will follow me. Therefore, I can move on following the direction in my heart without turning back, not worrying anything about the signs.

One year, I accomplished the practice that I could find my way home even I walked alone with my eyes shut in the dark night.

Commemoration of non-repentant original status

Home.
The space where I could completely take off the precious shell after a whole night’s hot dance. Turned on the A/C, feeling like peeling off the sticky skin and soaking myself in a cranberry juice on the rock, where I dyed my sweat red, and also my slightly-drunken face for one-year’s memories.

Those faces which changed from strange to familiar in one year’s time, from smiling, greeting and shaking hands to hugging and bosco, from single to in a relationship, from relationship to engaged and married, or vice versa; however some faces, slipped from the bottom of my eyes to the bottom of my heart, even not facing each others, I couldn’t ignore their existence, and from familiar to strange.
After a whole year’s turmoil, I am still keeping my original status.
Have I kept my time, or has my time locked me, or have I trapped myself?
Just like tonight, even I disguised to be an angel, I have thrown away my wings.

Commemoration of Wings

I always thought if I threw away my wings, I wouldn’t dream about heaven anymore and could walk step by step on earth. Therefore I abandoned transportation tools most of the time, and accomplished amazing walking speed, unyielding willpower and disobedient strongness.
I thought the myth reached the end, however, I underestimated the power of anti-gravity.

Tonight it made me off the ground within a second and flew in the air. It was so powerful that I couldn’t even restrain. And then I was panic. I would have cried but I laughed, I would have frozen that moment but I pushed it away instead. I did understand that my body was trying to protect me with condition reaction when I was head over heel, however in vain-my heart grew a pair of wings at that moment and refused to fall. After decades of seconds, my body sank.
“Even sinking, you have to sink in perfect grace.” It is just what I was tonight, with fab make-up but an old-fashioned mood haunted for a whole year.
After all I refused all the whispers and temptations, keeping the demon in the cage inside.
Or, never had I ever had the demon? It is said that angel and demon are existed in pair, and I have already lost my wings.
In return I gained an aftertaste of faith, to believe that I can still be off the ground without wings, even in a blink of an eye, is long enough to break the axiom and create a miracle.
We all need more faith, to believe that the future is better, to believe that we have never been lonely, to believe all we have ever doubted, just for keeping facing each others and exchange an understanding smile, for the comfort brought by the hug, for discontinuous whispers, for short SMS, even residual memento in hearts.
Believe that the distance is kept from hurting for they all still like or love me, believe that the positions we keep in the bottom for each others, believe that I am still young, talented, beautiful, kind, still have dreams and ambition and a soul for love, which can at least be kept for one more year, two one-years, and lots of lots of one-years.

Commemoration of One Year

I did gain a lot and lose a lot in this one-year, some I thought I have gained but lost in the end, some I have lost but finally came back to me, some I thought I would gain but never came, and some I thought I would lose but never left. In the complicated and confusing puzzle I couldn’t calculate the total is positive or negative with all the minus and plus. But some creeds stand stably, like the sexy pole dancers tonight, no matter how they turned around, climbed up and fell down, with music, applause, flashing lights, whistlings, flowers, after the show, only and always stands the pole, which dominates the next show and the best seats for it.

“Is all that I care
a whole piece of body
or a soul
which I could never seize?”
-Fall, Law Pun

-xG. 4:18am, 28 July 08

Me, Streetlight and Shadow/我，街燈與影

2008-07-21T14:15:00.003+08:00

Just inspired by this photo shot by my frd Erwin in Macau.
Damn, started to be unredeemably sensitive again and isolate myself again like living in a Wong's movie...HELP!!

But good time to keep on writing and movieing...

CHI:

淩晨三點三
靈魂夢游于
紅瓦墻的
石板街上
一片死寂的空蕩

你佇立一方
不語
汎黃的臉色
如此疲憊不堪

是否
你也與我一樣
孤獨守候了
一千零一個晚上
生怕某個人夜歸
找不到
家的方向

你低頭看
我低頭看
雨打溼了你的臉龐
淚泡透了你的影子
我在海裏徜徉

某個人有別個陪伴
我有你陪伴
你有影子陪伴
影子有黑夜陪伴

我們都不孤單
我們都情願孤單

ENG

Me, Streetlight and Shadow

3:15 in the morning
A soul Sleepwalked in a
Slabstone street with
Red-tile walls
When Dead silence of emptiness
was heard

You stood there
without a word
Yellow faces with
exhausted complexion

Whether or not
the same as I have
You’ve been solely waiting
for one thousand and one nights
worrying someone who
might return late
cannot find his way home

You looked down
I looked down
Rains moistened your face
Tears soaked your shadow
I drown in the sea

Someone is with someone else
You are with me
Your shadow is with you
The night is with the shadow

None of us is lonely
All of us are willing to be

The End

2008-07-19T01:06:00.002+08:00

In an empty house of 460sf.
Fidget cut off the pale and slim wrist
Fresh blood pervaded
With A/C 23 degree
Soon air-dried

I Escaped
Abandoned my dead body
Jumped from the height of 13 floors
Panic
I forgot my innocent wings
Grounded in chaos and brains

Aerosphere returned to peace
The very last image
Reflected in the split pieces of the street lights
Crashed on the flying bus
Ground
Extinguished
Dark

The End.

Move on

2008-07-05T15:02:00.004+08:00

Soon I have to say goodbye to my sweet quarter, which I have been living for nearly two years.

I wandered between the living room and two rooms, staring at things that I wanna take with me and those I need to pack and store for a while, and those I need to throw away. I keep on reminding myself at any moment “no purchase” for anything without practical value but only with a woman’s impulse, in order not to fall into dilemma of “Keep or go” when moving out, since I have never been an easy decision maker.

Even so, two years time is long enough to leave me all these hesitating objects-like an bland dish but don’t wanna waste it. I just stood there and watched them, shrugged my shoulders between the trash bags and carton boxes, recalling how they came to me and their time spent with me. I realized between all these objects and me, there’re so many direct or indirect people, things and issues, one after one, haunted my memory. I thought I forgot some of those, but they were only placed too deep in my brain and not yet found before.

My brain was tremendously being packed up by memories, like my place right now, and it is too heavy to lift my head.

Choices for me are never not painful. I was always being drown in two extreme contradictions I faced and too weak and lame to say goodbye to one or the other. Too many expectations, too many disappointments, too many possibilities, and too many too many encumbrances to move out of mind.

However my fate is finally impatient and gave me a deadline. No time for consideration, bargain, rewind, or regret. I have to move, and to my surprise I moved pretty fast. It turns out the fear is not with the decision itself but underestimating my own courage of making decisions and capacity of taking actions.

We are all covered in clover. There should be an appreciate time to move on, not only marking time in the same place, but to throw away some luggage and items with pain, then we can move on with enough space and energy. And suddenly you will find that, some you treasured and loved in the past, their meanings turned to dust by the wash of time; some you forgot in the corner or disappeared for long, became a jackpot when refound by chance.

And some, all you owe is a bye. Think of that at the very first beginning you gave them so much love and care, however they never played an important role, and you don’t have to cherish them any more; or rather, you never really owned them. Until you farewell, they feared all of a sudden, feared that they would not be important anymore and being abandoned by you. These selfish things.
Smile, and dump them. Keep your cool.

Nothing, nobody can keep its/his/her values in the stream of the river called time and space, or be itself/himself/herself forever. Enemies become friends, lovers become strangers, yourself becomes someone else, right next second. Most of the time we don’t feel it since the change is slow within, and some change tremendously that we choose to repel by instinct from being hurt, not until an antibody grows will you be immune. None can tell you change is good or bad, but only you will learn “survival of the fittest to the world”.

And change cannot be all positive, just as the side effect you will have while curing your illness with pills; even the change will not bring you commend. The more charming a rose is, the more risks of being plucked it has. Therefore it grows thorns, one by one risk as long as it survives. It seems like weakness but indeed is the capacity of fighting and surviving, the skill of being flexible to environment changes.

The earlier you know the cruelty of survival, the earlier you cry and wipe, the earlier you will have happiness and success.

Move, and cherish. Keep the most precious, wonderful objects right at this moment, esp. the moment you are in need and they were with you, let go if the next moment you have to, and be strong.

Walk without turning around, be cool and be focus. Think of the future.

And suddenly I have many extra trashes piled up, but my mind is light for moving on.

Last but not least…

23:35, 13th July. I was lying on my bed losing my conscience, while being disturbed by the voice of a cell msg. I forgot to turn the phone off.

“My dear Mushroom, I heard the steps upstairs and the first reaction was you were dancing but then I realized that you had moved. I feel so blue. You have to raise your head, take a deep breath and keep moving on…”

I don’t remember what I replied at that moment. I just remember when I shut both my mobile and my eyes, my pillow was wet by deep emotion.

We are all moving on, we are all on our ways, let’s start from here.

-xG.

Sex and the City Movie Night

2008-06-25T20:54:00.003+08:00

I went to the cinema watching Sex and the City with a troop of friends on a rainy Friday night. Laughter and sighs and sounds of admiration burnt every few seconds.

It was also the very first time, I dressed up only for entering the cinema and not for two, because I decided to forget the reason why I have to do certain things on some remarkable days, and it was one of those. If, everything really happens for a reason, it should be out there even I don’t know where at that moment.
Time will tell.

I. Queens in the City

For most ladies, quoted from a friend, “well, it is worth seeing even only coming for the labels, oh clothes oh shoes…”

It is. Sexy, funny, glamorous, all labels ran in front of you with hundreds of sponsors. But I just lost in my recalling of a conversation I had with my previous U mate in GZ. We haven’t met for 2 years, and he kind of changed from shy and quiet to talkative and confident.

When talking about independent women, he said, “I read some magazines, it is said there’s one kind of women, they are rich, beautiful and successful, but they are all single. Well, for those I can only say, I respect, but cannot accept.”

I smiled, swallowed my words back with food, because I know no matter what I would have said, it would gonna be silence with embarrassment.

Man can never understand the struggle of this kind of women. If they are rich, beautiful and successful, those are queens of women. But unfortunately, kings are not enough.

Don’t be a queen, or your desire will rise. You want romance and also a connective spirit. You desire a man who can love you by his heart and act with romance, and also can be your soul mate. Well, this kind of men extinct hundreds of years ago.

Don’t be a queen, or you will forget in fact you are just some normal woman. On one hand you wanna be Ms. Big on your career, not willing to sacrifice for the man you appreciate; on the other hand you dislike “Mr. Small”, who would like to hunt on you for any of your wisdom or money or meat. Therefore, you will be an abnormal woman no matter in front of any kinds of man. The desire of being aggressive outside and being taken care of inside shuffle every second.

Don’t be a queen, or you will lose the identity and the charm of a woman. You are among a troop of men, your thoughts become more and more rational, your wisdom becomes more and more intelligent, your future becomes brighter and brighter, you see everything more and more practical. You cannot act like normal girls because you fear gossips; you cannot be shy with sexual topics since you wanna join in the talk; you cannot show your love for your self-esteem and would rather it rot in your tummy and pretend that you don’t care a shit of it, while you cry alone at night.

Don’t be a queen, or you will lose the primary measure you had for yourself. Your vision is sharp, you don’t have the courage to ignore anything else, you care how others regard you and never bet all on the table, you always think faster than others. The predictable pain haunts you all the time. Perhaps at first you only need someone who loves you, and then someone you can communicate, and at last you don’t even know whom you want and what’s your cup of tea.

I was brought back to the cinema by laughter. Oh, WTF was I thinking about? Can’t I just lay back and enjoy it?

The city is full of “desperate singles”. So that’s why they made a Hollywood Love ending and make sure all ladies tear with happiness and hope and cash flow into the box office.

II HK THE CITY

It was raining like hell non-stop that day and I was so determined to go back home after the movie, but I stepped all my way into Central afterwards because I couldn’t leave one of my friends who made an upset call alone in a bar.

Well, we do break our promises even made to ourselves sometimes by reasons; just some are reasonable some are only excuses.

Parties were on everywhere; it seemed the only difference that night was some wet umbrellas at the door. Loud music, glamorous girls and drinkers, people danced and flirted as usual.

I was abused by a drunker on my way to my friend’s, not even defended because one hand with my big bag the other with my umbrella; and my umbrella was gone while I left; when I looked up at the rain without shelter I saw big billboards of labels, I saw LV bags in the display shelf.

At that moment I thought, I am in THE CITY.

When Jackson my feminist friend told me HK is such a Sex and the City I was doubtful. Yes, it is developed and glamorous but to me it is still some distance to that point. I became a little bit more convinced after my Vagina Monologue Show. And then I read his blog. It was really a bit out of my surprise. Wow, actually it did happen around us, the womanpower thing, if he didn’t make out those stories. BTW, what’s the point to make out feminist stories by a man?

So it should be some part, some people, some circles in THE CITY, just somewhere I didn’t go and explore.

I keep on meeting new people who turn out to have common friends with me on Facebook, and we all said HK is small.

That night I kind of thought, maybe HK is not that small. Just…our circles are. Friends you meet are someone in common; friends’ friends are someone in common too. Birds with the same feather flock together.

Maybe, each of us is just the frog in the well, seeing the corner of the sky and took it for a whole.

If it were THE CITY, it should be much more “colorful” than expected. Well, I was “black and white” and someone was “coloring out of line”.

Then, where is the gap between? How to make the harmony? And how the harmony makes THE CITY?

When I have no answer, I ask for more.
And it just makes another sleepless night.

G. in a Carrie Mind
6 Jun 08

Full of Hope

2008-06-18T18:41:00.002+08:00

A signal of Red Rain, an early summer with continuous moisture.
11:11pm, 0:00, 01:11am. I saw all the “coincidence” number of time on my laptop, microwave oven, everywhere, with casual scans. Reading the materials on the screen, I felt so comfortable and relaxed. The rhythm of rain knocking on my windows, with the music of “New York State of Mind”, seemingly dropped on my heart.

I cured my “Rainy Day Gloom Syndrome” without notice. Those days were gone. Those days when I felt sad and anxious by no reason in my room with rainfall outside, in some moment that I didn’t have time to take care of, became a history all of a sudden. Now even I wanna recall them right now, don’t know where they came, and where they gone.

A full email box after yesterday’s training, loads of deadlines, and the boss added more assignments before his Monday leave on Friday night with all deadlines Tuesday, and a fully scheduled Monday of meeting, panel interview and annual review rushing along MTR. I should have screamed in the washroom as usual, but I didn’t. I worked while humming songs with incredible speed and which made me extra work.

And I cured my “depression and anxiety syndrome” as well. It seems like my so-called “Pressure is drive” became “non-pressure drive”.

I said Hi to Joey on QQ at midnight; I said I am busy but no pressure.
“Yeah, I know. Full of hope.” She said.
Full of hope. That’s it, bingo.

Hope sounds quite abstract, but feels full. We all live with hope and pursuit, just when the society becomes more and more material and people becomes more and more shortsighted, we forget the existence of hope and gradually lose the power of having hope. Covered by the dust of secularism, the surface of hope is full of rust, and hope itself turns into disappointment, even hopelessness.

However, there is some “coincidence”, when time digs out a thread of light, where you see the dust flying; you would like to believe the power of try and giving, you are possible to make yourself full of hope simply because of one word, one smile, or one handshake.

2:22 Am. I saw another repeated number of times. Steph told me that some said it means someone is missing you. Ok, no matter who is it, then I should believe I have the value of being missed.

So I can be full of hope.

3:33 Am. sitting in my balcony with brainstorming, with sound of rain filled my ears. Rain splashed on my laptop screen, reflects 7 kinds of colors with my snowy .doc background.

Even in rainy days, even in the dark before sunrise, the rainbow showed in a tiny rain drop, I see the trace full of sunshine.

Gold will shine, bird will fly, eventually.

Dance in a full moon night

2008-06-10T13:00:00.003+08:00

I danced with a man
In a full moon night
Our shadows mingled together
Our souls apart
With distance of a whole Atlantic

I stared at his eyes
When he looked away
He was smiling
With a drop of black tear
Hanging on his beautiful face
Covered by
the color of the night

In the rhythm
We turned
Our bodies separated
Our shadows apart
I left him my handkerchief in the pocket
Vanished
amid the night

I dance with my shadow
In a full moon night
Body and soul apart
I am smiling
With all tears unwiped

xG.

The next second, C’est La Vie

2008-06-03T16:45:00.002+08:00

When you stay too long in a convenient, crowded and developed city, usually it comes two results. One is you endeavor to settle down, fear that you would fall into your panic and jolt in the past; the other is you endeavor to leave, thinking that there should be better places out there, a lot of views unseen, a lot of voices unheard, a lot of stories untold.

However, life is always unpredictable and unexpected, and always goes the wrong direction against your will.

There’s a kind of status, which you wanna settle down but have to leave, or you don’t wanna settle down but have to stay.

It is just like you go for some relaxation in an adorable café where you always be. It is right there at the corner, and you are walking on the most familiar street. Suddenly you found the street is under construction that you have to make a detour. It seems pretty close but you get lost feeling like walking in the maze. And you see another similar café in front of you. So you hastate and stand there.

The I some years ago, probably would be crying and up against the wall; the I one year ago, probably would be pouting and scratching my head with moisture in my eyes without tears.
What about the me now?
I stand still and hum songs, thinking randomly that what I would like to drink once entering, or if I wear the right shoes getting ready for the future walk.

When in a dilemma, some chooses to hide himself, some to seal himself, but I learn to forget myself, right at that second at that point-that moment I forget who I am, why I stand here, what I am doing.

If next step of life is always unpredictable and unexpected, sometimes try not to think. If the Creator really exists and he loves teasing people, then let him not knowing what I am thinking.

Even I myself was white-knuckled by what I have changed for 16 months’ time here. Many things are skimming over the surface and ephemeral when you see them through. No matter what you choose in the end, as long as you strive for it, as long as you have a clear conscience, whatever will be, will be.

I got changed and went downstairs to jog in the park for fresh air. It rained and became heavier and heavier. I ran back home, took my umbrella and went down again. The rain stopped, and I finished my 5 kms.

The next second, someone might point out my way to the previous café, and I have energy and a pair of good shoes; the next second someone might ask me for a coffee in the new café, and I know what I would like to drink; the next second, I might not yet find my way, know nobody, and both cafes closed, then I shall home.

The next second, might be totally upside down. Think of the worst result. Go and greet it as long as you can accept it.

And the next second comes in a blink of an eye. The first time in life, I can never be calmer, like the evening after the rain.

KARMA

2008-05-30T21:13:00.000+08:00

I heard of it when I was in GZ 2 days ago. Well, I think it is really interesting, and maybe it is KARMA, happening on someone who speaks faster than her brain. What kind of stupid person would say that in public? A female whose IQ is more than 120? Well, her EQ should be minus.

It is like throwing a big stone on one’s own feet to prove how painful it is.

And today she said sorry via her manager without turning up. And it is interesting too. No need to say sorry to anything you don’t even feel sorry to. Maybe the one she feels sorry to is nobody but herself.

She did learn a lesson this time. A big one. She is destroying her own career, losing billions of audiences. But there’s no medicine for anti-regret.

Thank you for a valuable lesson, SS.

An love affair with a coke on a Sat. afternoon

2008-05-28T00:41:00.004+08:00

Salt poured in Coke Zero
It danced on the black lake
Exhaled with wild bubbles
Like a cereus
Three seconds’ blooming

A greedy sip
Contradiction of sweet and salty
Flirt wantonly with tip of tongue
Doff the lingerie of frazzle emotions
Directly into my fever body

Mourn
Twist
Scream
A pair of wings
Grew with my soul of ecstasy
Flying to the outdoor sunshine

In a blink of an eye
Burst a blare
Sharply, it crashed onto the crystal window
Fell over on me
Don’t you cry
Dreams shall become true
In my ampliate chest
I kissed your every bruise
Peacefully
Roaming in the bed of love

If machine understands what it had recorded, it would cry.

2008-05-23T12:34:00.002+08:00

I saw this from a friend's shared item on my reader, and my heart was thrilling with complicated emotions running in my veins.

This is the flow data line from Google China. It clearly shows the poplulation of google search every minute.

14:28, 19 May 2008, all Chinese people were mourning in silence, on the road, in the office, in the house, in the disaster area, etc. They kept still for 3 minutes. And nothing could be clearer than this, the largest search web in the world.

If machine understands what it had recorded, it would cry.
Peace and wish, China.
xG.

Arts, Loneliness, Choice of Life

2008-05-21T11:31:00.004+08:00

In the huge exhibition hall of Art HK 08, finally I stood in front of a big painting by Francis Bacon.

The feature of his portrait works, is that you always see one single person in it, with strange colors of skin. The guide explained that it is because he was always alone and have skin problem, which reflect in his works.

I thought of many artists and writers, seemingly they all have something in common-loneliness, and a large number of them have physical or mental disease, or they died early, or lived a poor life when old.

I thought of another quote: “if you have nothing to write, then commit suicide! If you succeed, you don’t have to suffer anymore; if not, then you have something to write.”

The process of art creation is the fruit of blood and sweat, only can which endure the test of time

The art creation is a tough experience. A lot of people didn’t see the human who did the creations through those works while commending them. Most of them are lonely and helpless, however this kind of sensitive soul makes them unique, and to describe the world in their eyes from a special perspective. The distance between their imagination and reality always makes them sad, meanwhile most lack of interpersonal communicational skill and they feel stressed and disappointed time and time again. The tremendous sorrow and disappointment transform into infinite power, and gift them the inspiration of creation. If you don’t try to know the artist first, you cannot truly understand the spirit behind their works. That’s the real value of an art piece, which can never be copied by any distinct model.

Suddenly I had a light above my head.

Loads of people asked me why I always write something dark and pessimistic. Actually I am not always in a sad mood, but those moments only could I have the inspiration and desire to write. I cannot calm down while feeling happy, not even mention to think of anything related to life or philosophy.

But I realize now loneliness is a choice, rather than loneliness chooses you. You choice of being lonely is a surrender for reaching some of your goals. Except from some objective factors, your imagination and thoughts will directly affect the turnover of your path. And what will happen next, is what we call “fate” or “destiny”. Indeed we cannot control its development, but it happens on the direction coordinate you have chosen. It might be another story on the opposite direction.

Just like the movie Sliding Doors, two different choices, two different stories, you will never expect what you life is until the very last second.

I always think that I am independent, from some extent. I jumped out of a small and traditional Chinese town and trim my life neat and tidy. But independent people are somewhat lonely, because they don’t wanna rely on others but themselves. Not till recently did I discover knowing the right time to ask for help is a tactic, which will double your success. And the warmth among some group in an expat city, cannot be properly described but so heartfelt.

No man is an island.
The 512 Sichuan Earthquake is a profound proof.

Walking alone to walk faster, walk together to walk farther. If you cannot have a long-term company, get several short-term ones.

Some concerns about some French

2008-05-20T21:07:00.000+08:00

I love people from different countries, I love languages, they kind of widen my eye sight and give me so many opinions and thoughts I could never learn before. But, now I have to speak here for some facts, for everything I have heard and seen for so long. I kept silent and showed my understanding all the time.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. And I shall not take the shame again, again and again.

All my dearest friends from the FLS, we learn foreign language to speak up the truth for our country.

Fact I: France Channel I, in the Sichuan Earthquake news, a Sichuanese spoke in Chinese during an interview: “Thanks for our Chinese Party of Communism, thanks for our government!”

And the subtitle in French was: “We have nothing to eat, nothing to drink, nobody helps us!”
I think that translator should be fired, or on one else knows Chinese there? Or are you illiterate?

Fact II: on a French newspaper, it only showed the number of victims and started to declare China refused their help and didn’t admit them to enter Sichuan.

So far, no donation from France official side.

Well, what would you like to help us? Why you didn’t come when people suffered in the snow plague in Hunan?

Because nothing important is there.
But Sichuan is different. National Rocket Launch Centre, National Nuclear Factories…should be exciting to pay a visit, right? And stand there laughing like a French student said, “Great! We never have earthquake in France, only Chinese died from that.”

May god bless you, because France is still on an active earthquake zone. Oh, you didn’t learn Geography?

Take the Nepalese army as Chinese and support Tibet Independence? Sorry, none of your business and it won’t make us weaker;

Protest the Beijing Olympic? Sorry, but it won’t be held in France;

Pillage the torch and beat the disabled athlete? Wow, you are so brave, so outstanding! For doing something publicly, something we are not cold enough to do even privately.

A very classic and popular quote from my schoolmates graduated from French Major,
“I think I was 很傻很天真(very silly very innocent)learning French, and when I came to France I think it is 很黃很暴力(very porn very violent).” (Chinese quoted from Dickson Chan Issue)

Pathetic, really pathetic.
Life gives you eyes to pursue brightness, you use them for darkness.

Mourn

2008-05-19T15:43:00.002+08:00

For all the victims of 512 Earthquake

Sleeping in the pistil of a frozen rose
A crystal drops from my eyes
Moisten a bee’s memory
Drown in its self-made honey

Oh the night
Leaning on my shoulder
Murmur like a new-born child
Way too cold, way too quiet
Sucking my blood as milk
Choked with greedy swallow

I wear the coat of fragility
To cover the bruise and scars
Beaten by the rhythm of a city in chaos

I dance the pain away
Bare-footed on the edge of a knife

Oh my dear
Why you cannot see
An angel hidden in my soul
Might tear off her wings
And jump
From the highest cloud
Rest in the pistil of a frozen rose
Dye all petals
Red and fresh
The moment she closed her tired eyes

-Gloria X 14:40, 19-May 2008

The sixth sense

2008-05-12T15:00:00.002+08:00

Women’s sixth sense is some mystery you cannot explain by science. Most of the time people say, “You think too much!”, however, it is not “Thinking”, is “Feeling”.

My sixth sense is something I love and hate, plus a habit of carefully but unconsciously inspecting people and objects around me, this powerful forecast protects me from taking many risks. From great extent it protects me from making mistakes as well. In a lot of people’s eyes, I have been living a “flawless life”, but sometimes its dark shadow behind the huge ray could swallow me completely.

Most of the time I do hope that I think too much, but in the end it always approved that what I hadn’t said and done, what I feared and thought, were all correct.
It becomes some regret I can never redeem in my life. People start to recall their days of being wild when getting old, but I can probably watch my blankness when my time comes.

It is not a good deed to realize those weights you cannot bear with in life too early, in a young body which should be lively and carefree at this moment, however who has already lost the courage of no-fear to lose.

Know nothing fears nothing. How I envy these free-and-easy bodies. Sometime I do hope I could determinately commit some beautiful mistakes without assurance.

I do hope somebody who will come straight forward to me, ripping the transparent gap open, and slap me on the face, instead of watching me, guessing me on the opposite side of the bank with fog between, criticize, gossip or commend in a tiny voice.

Sometimes, all I want is fragility.

Jane Austen's Book Club

2008-05-06T18:29:00.002+08:00

I watched this movie twice in peace. Tranquil is the only word I can describe the crush I had on it. Feeling like seated on the cozy sofa with a Cappuccino in hand, Jazz in the CD Player, and enjoying a great book under the orange light. Everything but lonely.

5 women, 6 Jane Austen’s Books, a 6-month journey for emotions, it seems a complete epitome for all women in the world.

All the roles and their stories involved in the plot smoothly and systematically develops with the sequel reading of the book club, even their emotions are accompanied with perfect logics, which is no doubt a kind of worship in depth for Jane Austen, putting her in the peak for the movie.

Jocelyn represents a type of modern women. They enjoy their singledom, living with pets, however endeavour to match others. It is not they don’t know what is love, not lack of passion either, they just fear of being hurt so that they refuse love and advocate self-control for physical attractions. They are strong, independent and capable, leading many men move back most of time. In the past this kind of women become freaks, however with the promotion of western culture and feminism, they gradually occupy their place in society. They eventually polarize into two parts, one like Jocelyn and Emma in the book, unexpectedly come across love and give up their singledom for the love crush, one like Jane Austen herself, return to self-peace and embody their emotions on careers.

Prudie represents women opposite to Jocelyn, those who are regarded as what a woman should be in tradition. They are romantic and have endless dreams about love. But they also easily have perfect lover fantasy on their partners, once which cannot be matched with the reality, they feel doomed and desperate, since they regard themselves totally as the substitute for men. They will simply lose the drive for life if being disappointed. It is easy for them to be derailed while seduced by other men.

Sylvia represents the general type of women; they follow rules and become a traditional wife and mother and believe they do their best for the family. But during the “Mid-age crisis”, some husbands will have affairs with others due to the boringness of their wives. They will never understand what they did wrong and blame everything on the third. In traditional countries, women are only allowed to follow their husbands, after several fights some slowly accept the truth and some get divorced and looked down upon; in open and free countries, they re-married or stay single with their children.

Benedette represents mature women who are always passionate and optimistic towards life; they failed in several marriages, but never lose hope for love. With the increase of age they have a tolerant and peaceful altitude for life, catching the pace of time with a young heart.

Allegra represents the homosexual team. Their destiny at large connects to the extent for freedom of their living community and people’s altitude towards it, and also their thoughts for themselves.

The only man in the book club, played by Hugh Dancy is a standout in the movie. Men’s thoughts on gender attraction are much more direct than women, thinking that it is like gravity unavoidable, focus more on logic and analysis while lack of imagination of romance. He likes Jocelyn who endeavoured to match him with Sylvia, being cautious and timid facing with Jocelyn’s independence and assertiveness. His thoughts on Jane Austen’s books seem alternative and superficial in women’s eyes, he is childish, careless, a bit stupid and innocent, and he is too real to resist by women.

the end is happiness to all, a fit to Jane Austen’s all books-Jocelyn realised her love with Grigg, Prudie pulled back from her young chaser and had a better communication with her husband, Sylvia had her courage back to new life while her husband returned to her realizing the warmth of family, Allegra got to know a new girlfriend, and Benedette was engaged with her sixth husband. If Jane always comes up with a happy ending because she is too lonely, as what Grigg said, the ending of this movie, is it a hint that calls up people’s courage of never giving up for their true love in the modern society, where people are becoming more and more distant to each others?

Only himself knows the answer.

A lot of tips you can get from the movie, unlike the other ones, forcing you to accept with exaggerating characters and plots, but with the sequel of the reading in the book club, drop by drop injected into your blood and become part of yours.

What really touches me in this movie, is that, a lot of thoughts you insist will be changed in a blink of an eye once you let go, a lot of things have never been gone or changed, but the change of the angle you inspect them cause the change of everything itself. In the nick of time between the mass change takes place, you just simply open your heart, watch, wait and welcome them once they come without looking away.

All novels and movies come from life but superior to life, or rather, an extreme and exaggeration of life. Life is real and practical without much excitement. Therefore, people who have higher goals and more demanding for life, are those who are outstanding in others’ eyes, while being out of league with others and easier to feel confused and blue. They will be famous, or infamous. If human beings are indeed creatures by someone up there, these people are the leading characters in the novel of LIFE.

I feel warm in this freezing winter while watching this movie, figuring out which kind of person I am, instead of taking tests.

It is all about love

2008-05-06T18:27:00.003+08:00

I felt sorry for a friend, or rather, I felt sorry from a friend for myself.I hate seeing people lost in love, sad in love, because I feel so bad as if it happened to me. So, these words, are for your comforts.

Don't lose faith, even you lose everything else,it can still bring them back.

Love is when she cannot be his bride, she still would be happy to be his maid and wish him the best with the woman he loves.

Love is the post-it notes on the door, the umbrella in his car, when she knows he feels annoyed being reminded of every day.

Love is the shoulder you wish to lay your head on while watching fireworks, the chest you wish to bury your face while crying, the face you wish to see in the dream every night while seeing it again waking up every morning by your side.

Love is what you worry to cook for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Love is when she gets pregnant again knowing that he would like to have one more kid, fighting for the coming pain in 10 continuous months.

Love is the source of worries, worries when it hasn’t come, worries when it has come, and worries when it has gone.

Love is when someone asking her “have you ever felt real love”, he suddenly came into her mind. She thought she was over him months ago, the stupid unrequited love in her life. She watched his photos again, trying to figure it out the distance between them, neither geographically nor spiritually, which she could hardly reach, which she have never reached before. Never mind, as long as he is fulfilling her life.

Love is when you know that your kids will hate you scolding or beating them, you will still punish them for the good of their behavior in the future.

Love is blind, I hold its hand and lead it through the darkness, telling it how colorful and wonderful the world is and make it smile like a child.

Love is when she looks at his eyes and smiles like an angel, without knowing why she did.

Love is to give him her freedom, and give him his freedom, while don’t know if she could have hers.

Love is when she shouts “I hate you!!!” and cries.

Love is when I saw a couple together on the tram, on the bus, on the MTR and smile and wish them love, while wishing someone was wishing me love somewhere.

Love is she knew she is making the same stupid mistake to someone else again, but she just couldn't help doing it, since her pain may bring him happiness.

Love Actually-Every time I see this commercial on TV for the coming movie, I know actually Christmas is around but love NOT. That’s why the TV plays it every year with good watching rate.

Love is my wish to you all and to myself, for those I love but they love me not, for those who I cannot, for those who used to love, be loving, and will love.

My Green Apple

2008-05-06T18:27:00.001+08:00

Today when I was walking around Taikoo Place, chasing dancers for different performances from one building to another, I suddenly saw my green apple.

You are here!! I found you!! I almost creamed out.

A big green apple. This is one of my favorite art pieces in Taikoo Place. Nothing special, just a model of a green apple a little bit taller than me. Simple. Fresh.

But I just love it. Don’t know why. It used to place on the passage to Devon House, where I have to pass through from my place to Cityplaza. When I worked in Cityplaza, that was the scene I saw every day. I pushed the glass door open, walked to the end of the passage; I saw it, shining with green color under the light. So fresh and beautiful that I smiled to it, and I smiled to people that day.

Then I was transferred to Pacific Place. I no more passed through that passage and I gradually forgot it, thinking it would always be there, shining and waiting. Something I would never lose in my daily life.

But I was wrong. One day when I passed the passage, all I saw was a blank white wall standing coldly against me. Where is my green apple? The light was still there, reflecting on the ground.

It is gone and I lost it.

But I didn’t look for it. It did mean something to me, something trivial but could echo with my soul. But do I really care? Without that green apple, I can still walk, talk, eat, work, whatever I can do.

What’s gone is gone. Let go. Let it be. That’s life. Accept it. You have to move on. That’s what people keep on telling me these years. And they washed my brain. I am no more that little girl, who cried while being late for school, who jumped against the wall while couldn’t work out a math question, who creamed and kept on looking and looking everywhere for keys, books, mobile, etc., while my mother kept on nagging behind me.

I am a grown-up. The symbol is the “let go and what’s the big deal” altitude, the “sorry but I am so busy” excuses, the late night mini-bus and slept-over Saturday or Sunday morning.

I guess I lost something. Something I didn’t know what they were. And I forgot them.

But my apple is back. On the hall of another building in Taikoo Place, with some radish flowers accompany with. Right here, right now, standing quietly in front of me. Simple. Fresh.

And I couldn’t help smiling and saying hello to it.

Maybe something has never left me that far, they are just around another corner. I could have found it earlier if I started looking around Taikoo Place some time ago. But anyway, my green apple is back. It gives me a Christmas Surprise.

Is it a hint? Something that disappeared in my life, in a blink of an eye, now is coming back again? Is it a hint? Is it a hint?

Then, I shall not wait but start looking for the answer myself.

I Feel like...

2008-05-06T18:25:00.000+08:00

I feel like to be loved these days, I am bored of giving without receiving.
Shall I receive first and give my part later?
I admit it, I do feel it growing like a Jack's Pea. Actually I can stop watering it, but I just let it be.
I am in someone's stomach waiting to be rescued, "swimming quickly into the weeping arms".
I am needing the shoulder I thought of to cry.
NOW. or, NEVER.

In tune with IE

2008-05-06T18:24:00.000+08:00

5pm sharp, Tuesday. I packed up my stuff and got off work. 6pm, I sat in the middle of the first row, on the square of Tung Chong Street in front of Taikoo Place, quietly waiting for the first show of In tune with Island East, at 6:30pm.

This is another corporation between Swire and HKPO, which specially brings the serious classic music from the music hall, to this small open-air stage of Island East. Last year, the performance “Symphony Under the Stars”, had astonished me deeply with classic music, making me realize the charisma of classic live concert. Within one year, I have been to different live concerts, outdoor or indoor, big or small, all of them were so adorable.

A long sound of Winds brought me back from my own peaceful memory.

The first show was about Serenade by DVORAK, which was divided into two instrumentation teams: one for Winds in D minor, with two Oboes, two Clarinets, three Bassoons, three horns and two Cellos; one for Strings in E major, with Violins, Violas, Cellos and Basses. It lasted for more than 50 mins.

I don’t wanna talk too much about the Serenade itself. Or rather, SOUND, this particular object, can only be recognized by ears. No matter what delicate words, in front of that divine music, are all pale and powerless. Right at the moment, all you can do, is to open your heart wild, open your ears wild, enjoy the music going through your skin and into your body, gently touch your soul. All you can do, is to listen to, to feel, to experience this unique sense of happiness.

In the performance, I always get lost in thoughts unconsciously. All of a sudden, I feel that, symphony is composed for people who can enjoy being alone. The composer was alone, he imagined a group of performers using different musical instruments and play together, the combination of high, mid and low gamut melt together, representing a great carnival, with great ecstasy or great sorrow, wavy and majestic; while people who listen to are being alone, no matter how many people seated around, how many music lovers you meet, the moment you are enjoying the music, you are always keep your mouth shut and listen with your own ears. Music in different gamut and scale run into your ears, your expanded blood vessels and in your body, shuttle, reverberate and echo. Right at that moment, your brain is free, all kinds of thoughts sweep you like a tornado, jump with the musical notes and develop infinitely; your heart is free, running like a wild car on the highway, you feel like running through infinite desert, infinite jungle, to an extreme which you have never experienced before. Right at that moment, you will love your loneliness. Your body is full of excitement; your soul is pure and fearless.

In the color of the dark blue night, my thoughts have never been clearer. Lifted up, I saw the skyline shimmering with the light.

And my consciousness was gone; the whole world contains only music and me.

December is at the corner, with the strong atmosphere of Christmas. A colorful Oriental Pearl with Christmas lighting is counting down. Get off work around 6, taking the tram on the lane from a busy Central to a relaxing Island East. Freely seated in an bar outdoor, enjoy some special performance or event or exhibition, having a fine dinning, later, go jogging at the Quarry Bay Park with fresh air. At weekends, an enlightening movie, an attractive book, a happy gathering, a relaxing chill; or an outdoor activity, an eat-out gathering, shopping, dancing, listen to light music and have a sound sleep, preparing for the coming week’s work.

That’s a kind of ideal life. That’s what my beloved city should give me. But some don’t know how to enjoy their life, or they cannot enjoy life like this due to career and money. To some extent, HK indeed is a desert of culture, but meanwhile it is full of Greenland. The point is, too many people are over taking the excuse of BUSY for everything, covering themselves in the sand, difficult to see, to hear, to breathe, only dig for gold rush.

Grief. Sometimes it is the grief we have to compromise begging for survival, sometimes we sell ourselves to life but don’t know to take good use of the cash we exchange with life. This society, with the increase of materialism and desire, more and more people, are those poor with only money left.

Cannot wait for the second show on next Tuesday, cannot wait for the Symphony Under the Stars at Happy Valley on next Friday.

Deeply deeply in love.

P.S. Writing on today, the Thanksgiving Day, thank you all for making me who I am today.

Cashback for life

2008-05-06T18:23:00.004+08:00

In a cozy evening, I watched the short film CASHBACK by Sean Ellis and was thrilled by only 12-min clip. This time finally I had the chance to watch the full movie, 1 hr and 42 mins.

It is a movie dressed with the taste of French Perfume, graceful classic music, fluent and cozy plots. However, no exaggeration, no drag, with typical humor of British Independent film, genuine and refreshing monologue and dialogue, you feel your mood was transforming between the turbulence of relaxations and burdens, bitter and sweet.

The story is so simple that we don’t even regard it as a story. Ben broke up with his girlfriend and started to experience insomnia, leaving himself extra 8 hours per day for pain. He spent it on the nightshift in a supermarket, imaging that he could stop time, and later he discovered the meaning of life, finding his love and career.

Ben said, “During the hours most normal people are sleeping, I’m busy trading my time. I give them my extra eight hours, and they give me money. Cash back.”

But it was over his expectations. He kept on thinking his own life in the gap of frozen time, endeavor to transform his altitude from negatively pessimistic to positively optimistic, eventually, life gives him cashback.

Isn’t it an ideal life status? Firstly annoyed by a trivial love issue, however later you reach a higher level in the process of thinking. While looking back, all the previous depression is the buffer of happiness in the future.

To some extent, we are all Ben. We do believe we could give someone happiness by sacrificing ourselves, or letting someone go to find their own happiness. After the painful struggle, you find that your happiness actually is all around. All you can do is to keep moving forward. We do believe that time kills everything and drown in great agony in the drag of time. Suddenly one day we are all over it and begin to appreciate the regular rules of nature. It is impossible that this film cannot echo with your heart, so simple that it has all of us, so simple that it is all about us. That’s the genius of Sean Ellis.

I love the acting of Sean Biggerstaff in the film. Like Ben, I do believe that the body of human is a perfect art by the Creator. Man with stroopped eyes, blue while in silence, shining while with smile, is embodied with rich thoughts. His innocent face is perfect for a character between a man and a boy, so real and natural.

I am longing for some cashback as well.

Things they nv know

2008-05-06T18:23:00.001+08:00

People say I am always smiling. The thing they never know is, my mouth is a little bit droopy so I have to smile a lot in order not to be regarded as cool and arrogant;

People say I am always confident in public. The thing they never know is, my feet are always shaking and my hands are always cold when on stage, the confidence on my face is kind of acting to cheat myself and others, I wear this mask for so so long that people started to recognize it as my true face.

People say I am always lively and enlightening. The thing they never know is, I go back to my own cave as a Martian rather than a Venusian and lick my own wounds, without telling anybody else. Sometimes I sream and cry helplessly and next minute I come out of my cave and sing alound like it has never happened.

People say I am too rational to fall in love. The thing they never know is, I might probably totally blind when it comes to me. Therefore I hestitate a lot and wait for someone to find me and make me fall rather than searching on my own. Unfortunately None could see me through. I was always the one of their regarded-to-be.

People say I look away when they look at me. The thing they never know is, I am not losing my patience or distracting my attention, I am just too shy to stare.

People all have their own secrets. So do I. The thing we never know is, is it better to let them out or still collect them in our chests? We have been seeking for answers to this all our lives. It seems speaking is the easiest way to achieve while it is the most difficult way to practice. Therefore, some turn to music and become composers, some turn to writing and become writers, some turn to performance and become actors, some turn to religion and become believers, some turn to drawing and become painters...Everyone of us are sussing one special way to clean the dust that has been accumulating in our chests for too long, and then clear a little bit more space for more secrets in the coming life journey.

The things I never know, is what drives me to move forward, to seek for an answer, which might be an unknown forever.

FB vs. Reality

2008-05-06T18:22:00.001+08:00

I decided to farewell to Facebook for 2 weeks and deactivated my account before going to bed last night. The website is drug to me. Since July 07 I signed up a profile called “Gloria Xiao”, in 4 months’time, I have 402 friends and more than 500 wall posts on my profile, most of them are friends I knew and met. The Facebook effect is really out of my expectation. My first Love Letter (does it count? I don’t know, but at least I let someone know some idiot existed) was sent on Facebook via Inbox Msg, more than 1,000 words, I guess I have broken the record of the longest Facebook inbox msg. I read the main page at least 5 times a day, with frequently-updated status and albums; even myself 100% believe that I am so addicted to it.

A lot of ppl asked me why I wanna deactivate my account; they thought I am a super fan of Facebook. I am. I know the reason but I don’t know how to express it, all I could say was I wanna have a rest. Today when I read an excellent article, I saw this quote, and it is perfect to explain all.

“ A lot of things are just like a porn movie, ppl who watch it feel excited while ppl who act feel not.”

So are my Facebook profile and my MSN Space.

About half a month ago, I woke up and walked to my balcony, suddenly I felt the coolness of the early fall. I returned to the living room and felt the whole house empty. This is my current life status, compared to an overwhelming environment of a digital world. At a blink of an eye I had the impulse of returning to the reality. So I fixed a date to deactivate my account. When you rely on a fake digital world too much, you will have some kind of fantasy that you are so popular and having a groovy life, and then you ignore the reality. One day you experience the blackout, you are nowhere, nobody in the middle. Time to panic.

I am sick again, the 3rd time within these 30 days. Every time I felt uncomfortable I just wanna hide inside my quilt and sleep like a dead body, thinking that not till I become smelly will people discover me. And I miss home a lot at that moment. Don’t know how many hours have passed when I woke up and sat on my bed crying like a 5-yr old girl, “Mommy, I wanna eat congee!!” I really did.

However, turned on my computer, E-mail piled inbox, MSN was beeping, Facebook is still in carnival. You will only have two kinds of reactions: 1, pretending nothing happened and replying one by one; 2, go to the doctor's or/and take some pills, after all, you are still alive and life goes on.

One friend said, Facebook is communication. Surely it is and a good one, with special meaning to me (I told you above). And it seems I am quite good at taking advantage of it making friends. But, I prefer the reality, face-to-face communication, of which I still haven’t lost my skill.

In a relaxing afternoon or a cozy night, drinking something really refreshing with someone(no alcohol to Gloria but mostly alcohol to my friends) in a nice restaurant or bar with light music, or at the balcony with breeze,listening to his/her voice with different tones, telling their stories with unfolded emotions, watching his/her smiles,even tears,and different facial expressions, natural eye-contacts, giving each other support and moment of peace, leaving no time to trim all your words, be a real me and you.

Facebook? I will be back in due course, by the time I change whatever I can in reality. By that time, will u still remember me?

Maybe yes, maybe no.

Interpersonal Dynamics

2008-05-06T18:21:00.001+08:00

The last day I stayed in D&V, my manager signed me up for an internal training, since I told him I like learning communication stuff. I didn't expect much, but what I gained in that half day is really inspiring. The Theory of 4 kinds of brains, etc. Apart from that, that was what I learnt.

Everyone was sitting on the chair. The lecturer said:
"hold your hand up in the air, as highest as you can."

Everyone was trying hard to stretch to the highest.

"Higher, higher, higher!!!" He pushed.

Everyone kept on trying, thinking that they're doing their best.

Suddenly one stood up on her feet holding her hand up.

Most of the time, this is the status of a whole society. Everyone is trying their best at the same level with stereotype, the one who thinks in another way stands out, although sometimes it is pretty simple to watch and understand when he/she finished it.

The Lecturer: Now close your eyes.
(Everyone follows)
The Lecturer: don't think of me; please don't think of me, think of anything but me!!

Try it yourself and you will know what u r thinking at that moment.

The more we try to hide from something, the more it annoys you, since you keep on thinking how to get away from it, the image repeats in your brain. All you can do is to face it. Although it may be painful at the beginning, time will cure.

Reasons of Insomnia

2008-05-06T18:20:00.001+08:00

During a free chat with a senior woman, she suddenly said:

"There're only two reasons why men cannot fall asleep at night:
MONEY AND WOMEN. Nothing more."

"Too many reasons why women cannot fall asleep at night." I know it is true.

"Why is that?" I asked.

"Simple. Men are stupid."

I lol. However I don't agree. Actually it only shows the different structures of male and female's brains. Men start from a simple root and expand the mind map, while women start from many roots and shrink to one goal. E.g.

Men: I want the right woman——I need fortune——ways to make fortune——then it expands and he tries all the ways till the day he gets the woman.

Women: I want a man, I want fortune, I want a good family, I want....——fortune is not that practical at the moment, then delete it——it goes on and shrinks till one thing left, she only needs a good man and she gets fortune and a good family.

That's what I called "The ideal structure of mind between two sex", while men and women might not get the ideal results of their thinking, so...

They get the Insomnia.

Let it be?

2008-05-06T18:19:00.000+08:00

Suddenly found out too much weight on my shoulders, I cannot stand straight, I cannot breathe.

Too many problems came by and made me insecure.

I just keep trying to be a simple but happy girl, maintaining my purity and confidence. Why is it so so so difficult?

The most terrible moment is when you are ready to cry while cannot find a tear, so hopeless that you are as calm as your heart stops beating.

Maybe this time, I really need to drink hard and forget who I am.

How to let go? Or even let it be?

I need back-up. I don't want to be the so-called "independent and assertive Gloria of all trades" anymore. I need it simple and easy.

I wanna be a kid again.

Anthropological Linguistic: Sex Metaphor

2008-05-06T18:18:00.000+08:00

According to Floyd, sex can be the reason to explain all.

A good friend of mine, who is now studying Anthropological Linguistic in Cambridge, sent me an interesting Sex Metaphor based on this:

Suppose it is true, then we can play a little freaky puzzle to compare sex to different elements, because it is all about the way you see, hear, smell, taste and touch, all about your spirit and body. And she sent a request to frds to create a sex puzzle, the key should be related to a very common object.

Well, that’s the time she tried to challenge my imagination, writing skill and my linguistic background. I doubted. How can I create sth. without knowing the main metaphor element?

But I hate to say “I CANNOT”. And it is not totally impossible. Actually quoted an American Linguist’s in his book, “the inspiration of writing is not based on real life; it is based on your passion and imagination about the real life.”And that’s the test to see how creative you are.

Anyway, I shall give a try. So I wrote this, from several friends’ words and I got some inspiration…

Ok, now it is puzzle time. Read it though with the sex metaphor, and guess:

What / Who is the HE (can be SHE for straight guys) here?

(See my tips below if you cannot get it…)

He came when I was unaware of
And invaded my body
Kissing every inch of my skin
So tender and warm

And then
He faded when I was unaware of
As he never came

The next morning
In front of the mirror
Naked
I saw the traces of his fingers
The spots of his kisses
Clearly，deeply
With pain
On my back
On my neck
As rosy as my face
Where a smile dancing
With rhythm of heartbeat
Wild, wild

See how creative your answer is and I will give the answer to this puzzle,lol.

Comment on my Facebook: Wang Yajun wrote
at 2:02am well. shouldn't we use our native language if she wants it for research? does it matter if we use a foreign language?
your poem is really good, and beautiful - just that i don't feel it very sexual, to be honest.
save me from the play of words. but thx for the invitation. hehe. language is too lame to convey the feelings for such a topic. Gloria Xiao wrote
at 8:50am Dear, thx for your comment~It seems we are building the wall here...

"language is too lame to convey the feelings for such a topic." and that's exactly what I thought of when seeing her request, it seemed still a failure since I know nothing about this topic either, so I said "give it a try", lol, so let it be a poem from an innocent girl poet...Being too sexual will ruin the romance and being X-rated...no good~

I am still living in my own beautiful dream somehow, seeing this real world and understand those good old days cracking words and grammar in the Library can never come again, while too reluctant to go back to the ivory tower, and somewhat I envy you...

Come and purify my soul again, haha...

Modern Relationship in HK

2008-05-06T18:16:00.000+08:00

HK, as its meaning in Chinese, “the port of fragrance”, for people like me, it is just for temporary parking. No matter how small this Oriental Pearl is, no matter how familiar we are with all locations, still we feel like only passers-by in this city.

And some of us, become the familiar strangers. We used to know each other quite well, while now too awkward to become friends and even to communicate with.

Many are suffering from the relationship. They left their hometown and met in this city. The chemistry was on. After dating a couple of times, one was assigned to another city, leaving without calling this relationship an end, or having to call it an end.

Relationship was kind of distorted today. We can probably work in the same building and meet many times in the lift without talking, while could be MSN friends in a second without seeing each other. Relationship can be easy and fast like instant noodles, while sometimes too bland to endure the test of time and distance. Or rather, people are just too tired and too lazy to maintain long-term relationship, or lack of confidence to maintain?

I have been seeking for this answer but in vain.

Till one day I promiscuously reviewed a friend’s note on FB. Her anthropology study subject is about unmarried women’s abortion, which means she has to get approach to a world where people-like her and me-have never been, and people we have never known before. After a lot of conversations, she had a question: why we can communicate with strangers that well while it didn’t work out for many people we know and love?

And this time as an outsider, I finally found the point.

Communications are easy with strangers. We don't need to worry what we would expose in front of them, however for people we know, we fear of what people will regard us by the way we talk and behave, since we don't even know or trust ourselves. Once we do, the relationship is doomed. As time goes by, the period to mourn gets shorter and shorter, till one day, we don’t feel any excitement, even when true love is on its way getting close by, we doubt, we numb, and we fear, at last we refuse and deny.

In HK, with too tremendous speed and too surprising change of life and work, it is easy to make it come true.

I always wander alone around the island. I see the debauchery, with my eyes and with my mind. This city is as colorful as a huge dye vat, I feel like walking on the rim of it, watching people dyeing into different colors in it and imagined myself of how I would become, while too coward to jump in.

Today I am still wandering around the city with my great sentimentalism. Today I am still wondering, when will I run into someone, who is also walking on the rim, or, when will I be brave enough to jump?

Good Dream, Mom

2008-05-06T18:11:00.000+08:00

The moment I was about to step out of the gate, I said to my Mom, come on, give a hug. I held her tight in hands like a kid and she giggled. For Chinese, even families, we seldom hug each others. But I felt like doing it at that very moment.

I went downstairs and saw her stand still; I waved hand and shouted, bye, and go back to take your nap! She nodded and disappeared behind the gate.

The moment I felt like our roles had changed, I became her Mom and she obeyed to me. It was my greatest wish when I was a kid, however, at this moment, I had the faintest idea of excites, instead, loads of worries. I felt tears flowing up in my veins to my neck, to my nose, I swiftly took a deep breath and restrained them coming out of my eyes.

My mom has been experiencing insomnia for years, and it gets worse and worse. Sometimes she couldn’t fall asleep for more than 10 continuous nights. No doctors could tell the reason. She now takes dozens of pills per night before sleep to maintain 6 sleeping hours.

I dare not mention a word about her illness, and she didn’t say anything about it. We both feared letting each other worried. And my Dad didn't mention it either. He did very little talking and never figured out how to show love. I used to think he preferred a son than a daughter and turned cold eyes to me when I was a kid. Till one day I finally realized, silence is his way. Watching me talking, laughing, eating and sometimes slightly patting me on the shoulder or on the head.

He was my private driver when I was home these days, driving me around with his new car to do shopping, book tickets and do other stuff. He even snoozed while sitting on the chair waiting for my trying on shoes and clothes in different shops. I know he is one of the most post-shopping men alive, but all he asked was about my next destination without complaining a word.

That day on the way home my Dad stopped his car and I heard his voice from the front seat,

All your Mom worry is about u. Listen to everything she says when at home and don’t argue with her.

I didn’t reply and I lost my mind while wheels rolling. Actually I knew that answer long long ago. I was even too selfish to admit that, I feared to take my responsibility to her insomnia. I don’t think I have anything she could worry about, but she always has something to worry, my weight, my health, my dining, my singledom, my over-strong personality as female, and even the freaky fortune-telling.

That’s why sometimes I feel so reluctant to go home even when I was terribly homesick, since I know it will get worse after coming back, I rather give up the moment of sweetness and love, in case it is overwhelmed and made me drown. It would be the same to my parents.

Be strong, Mom, your daughter has her own oath and destiny. If none can change it as the fortune told, then live our lives, and make our lives.

Good dream tonight, tomorrow night, and every night afterwards.

Kiss & Hug

Nanny Diaries-Who Am I?

2008-05-06T18:09:00.001+08:00

Jan 10, 2008 5:21 PM

My eyes are terribly dry today, since I stayed up till 2am watching the movie Nanny Diaries. I laughed, cried, laughed, cried for couple of times.

A month ago I saw this book in Page One; I didn’t have much expectation for it but only regarded it as a relaxing comedy. However, the very first time, I feel like writing sth. for a movie as usual but I don’t know what to write. Blank. Totally blank. My screen, my mind.

A horror, it seems to me. For those questions I am seeking for answers for long now become more ambiguous and complicated, for those thoughts I dare not face with get more intimated and real, for those I can do but hesitated a lot now are more positive and seductive, for those I don’t wanna do but force to do in the future now I feel so terrible about them.

If you are female, you are single and young, you am ambitious and passionate for your career path, then just watch this movie and ask yourself some questions:

Who Am I? Did I find myself?

What’s my dream? Getting a good job? Marry a rich husband? Living like a Manhattan East Side Housewife? Or???

Did I see my red umbrella? Did I try to grab it and leave my feet out of the ground?

For me? A lot more. Where do I wanna stay? What do I wanna do? What can I do? What I am looking for? Do I wanna get married? Who or what should I get attached with?

What’s the meaning of all these? Does “meaning” itself mean something??

Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhh….my headache comes again….

Social Anthropology-Gender Appeal

2008-05-06T18:08:00.001+08:00

One of my greatest hobbies is to observe people around me, unconsciously and consciously. That’s why most of the time I won’t feel lonely but happy instead while walking alone in the city or crowded area. I love to be surrounded by people while thinking and doing stuff on my own.

Last Fri. in the office came a pretty girl for an interview. Sweet, bright eyes, a small mouth with a great smile. Mmmm….a typical type who would turn men on. I looked around this all-men environment and predicted that apparently something would happen, let’s wait and see…

She sat down waiting for her name called.

Mr. X came out of the toilet. He kept on walking with his normal stride, suddenly stopped for 1 second while seeing her. He started walking towards his desk but slower and turned his head backwards. At the same time he held up his Walkie-talkie to the mouth, but nothing spoken.

Bingo No. 1.
Mr. Y came out of the changing room. He passed her when she was called into the interview room. His mouth slightly opened, stopped and starred at her for 1 second and swiftly kept on walking. He stopped again in front of my desk and watched her back for around 5 second. His face changed. It was so hilarious to see his funny expression that I couldn’t help LOL all of a sudden burying my face in my notebook.

Bingo No.2.

Well, well, well. It is known to all the Gender Appeal exists since the first ape evolutes into the first human on the earth (or rather the Adam & Eve or similar stories if you have religion belief), but have you ever observed the gender appeal around you? During my observations for some time in different subjects and today’s little issue turn my interest on, let me give you some hints about:

How to discover someone is interested in you, sometimes even before himself/herself noticed? But it is only my own observation without any theory support, so believe it or not.

If you found that…

He/She secretly stares you longer than 2 seconds, sometimes looking away or pretending doing something else or giving you a smile (a very confident person) while you look back;
He/She posts a more open gesture while sitting or standing next to you, e.g., he/she sits with his hand put on the back of your chair, he/she talks with a lot of gestures with his/her arms open to you; or others…just think;
He/She unconsciously imitate your gesture, your words, your expression, etc.
He/She from time to time feels like having body contacts, e.g., touching your head, hair, nose, face, arm as while joking or talking, and obviously hand.

Male, while getting drunk or in a dark or crowded area like bar or club, he gets close to you and talk near your ear, which is believed to be the most sensitive part of a woman’s body; (well, although I never think so, I have another part and guess I might not a normal female and it doesn’t work for me, LOL)
He/She pays great attention to his/her own look, e.g., always tidy up his/her clothes, look at the mirror, re-make up, tidy his/her hair, etc.

Then congratulations, you have your gender appeal to him/her. If you also feel something on that one, good luck, baby! If you don’t, well, be polite, maybe you can become good friends later if you don’t wanna burst the bubble.

Then how to show your interest back, ladies? Well, I am intended to teach you here since I am not a guru on this side and I didn’t officially try. But if you would like to know, private…

Actually a lot of Social Anthropology Theories are very obvious if you keep an eye on it. But most people are head over heel while meeting someone he/she really likes and it screws everything including your ability to judge. Keep a clear head and mind for a long term relationship.

Mmm, I should work on another subject on Social Anthropology very soon…

My Blueberry Nights

2008-05-06T18:06:00.003+08:00

The first time Jude Law licked the cream left on the lips of Norah Jones, she was still in a dream, however a peaceful smile appeared on her cheeks.

Suddenly I felt greasily sweet but extremely happy.

Freezing, sweet and soft. My first sip of School Bus Smoothes. I was sitting in Café O at 5am, a 24hr restaurant in Central. Red light, organic food, delicate decoration, you couldn’t smell any stronger European Relaxation. The four of us chilled freely, however my attention was drawn by the Heineken bottles held in two German gentlemen’s hands, which have been re-ordered for times. Seeing the liquid level gradually dropping every few seconds the bottles held up, I wondered what is German’s liver made of…

I took a glance at the open kitchen while they went out smoking. A very young waiter was counting a pile of cash. Chestnut-colored hair, thick eyebrows, an apron over his white T-shirt. He raised his head and saw my eyes, so he gave me a gentle smile.

A Jude Law Smile.

“When you run a café, you get used to customers coming and going, without an explanation, probably none of my business. ” That’s what Jude said in that movie.

We got off the tram at Pedder Street, going up on the flagstones along Pottinger Street. I saw Noel while standing outside Soda. A man I saw several times on Facebook and always received his invitations to events. I was in FINDS at his Farewell Party but not going for him, I was at his B-day Party in JJ’s but not going for him either, I saw him in our common friend’s album, I saw him in person many times in different locations, I even know his position, but we never knew each others, not even saying Hello.

Neither this time.

There are so many passers-by in our life. Our seeing and hearing has been overloaded. Even a lot of people we know are passers-by too, only in some certain situations, each of us remembered ONE MOMENT because we felt the same way. But who knows, with the increase of time and decline of our memories, how long can that moment keep fresh in our hearts? And what’s the reason to keep fresh? What’s the reason to forget?

Just like…the Blueberry Pie which has never been ordered.

Norah Jones (Elizabeth): So what's wrong with the Blueberry Pie?
Jude Law (Jeremy): There's nothing wrong with the Blueberry Pie, just people make other choices. You can't blame the Blueberry Pie, it's just... no one wants it.
Norah: Wait! I want a piece!

With white cream left on her lips, she fell asleep on the lounge.
Leaning on each other, Lisa and I slept on the sofa at Azure, 29/F, LKF Tower. It was 3am. I think I didn’t fall asleep. My ears were full. Hips Don’t Lie Remix, Girlfriend Remix, music I didn’t know, Pool hitting, people screaming, couple flirting, etc.

Until the DJ shut “It is closing time!”

We got up and walked out. I didn’t know what I was doing. Just like the gang who were dead drunk, didn’t know what they were doing, surprisingly all kneed down while we were in the same lift, singing wildly with a language I didn’t understand, and blocked the lift door singing on and on. I couldn’t think of any other reaction except laughing out loud all my way.

Well, after all we all did what we loved to do. You can be dead drunk, you can be bored and slept in the club, nothing right, nothing wrong, making senses or not. Nobody knows what would happen in the next minute.

But to grab your own life.

Norah Jones stood in street, raised her head and saw her boyfriend was with someone else in the window. The first time she left the keys in Jude Law’s bar and quietly waited, nobody came; the second time she took the keys back, having a great fight; finally she chose to leave leaving the keys there.
“How to say goodbye to someone you can’t imagine living without？I didn’t say goodbye, I didn’t say anything. I just walked away. At the end of that night, I decided to take the longest way to cross the street.”

A non-stopped tram journey for 5 hrs within a day. I think I was totally insane. 5:30pm, from Quarry Bay to Witty Street in 1.5hrs, a Tram B-day Party for 3 hrs, and from Witty Street to Pedder Street for half an hour and walked all the way up to LKF. 11:45pm.

However, the first time I found that sitting on the tram could be that exciting. Delicious food, unplugged music, Birthday cake, wishes, jokes, a troop of happy friends.

I thought tram was a symbol of rebellion, a remains out of modernization, a evidence of a continuous memory of the old times on HK Island, where owns the most developed transportation, the most valuable time, the most debauchery entertainment, the most affluent life. Driven by a sawtooth coin, Ding-Ding, slowly it moves forward with an unchanged lane.

I always slept on the tram to reduce the sin of wasting time, or leaning on the wooden framed window, watching people, vehicles and others along the lane, regarding it as a journey of never ends. A journey called pondering and discovering. Then I shall not have wasted my time.

And today I am sure I did not.

LIFE. In Chinese, it means to be born and to exist. It’s supposed to be a day-after-day repentance, repeating our heartbeats and breath, repeating our dining and sleep. What we cannot change yet never stop changing are time, location and people, however what we can change are our ways and altitudes of existence based on time, location and people.

“It’s been nearly a year to get here. It wasn’t so hard to cross the street after all. It depends on who is waiting for you on the other side.”

Norah Jones finally returned to the bar. Jude Law still kept her plate for pie along the lounge. She ordered a Blueberry Pie, and slept on the lounge.

He licked the cream left on her lips and they kissed. On the picture the Blueberry Juice slowly floated into the layers of the pie, and melt together. Jazz music was playing with drums, with a lazy female voice.

Penny Dai was singing “The Love I want” with her lazy voice in my iTune, I sat on my bed eating biscuits bite by bite while watching My Blueberry Nights, the chippings dropped from my finger tips, lying on my skin of my chest.

But I just licked my dried lips with my tongue.

Just like…an aftertaste of a Blueberry Pie.

She & He

2008-05-06T18:06:00.001+08:00

The same name of the bus station, two opposite sides of the road.
They were both waiting.
They saw each others.
They smiled.
They didn't move.

His first bus came.
Hers hadn't.
She rushed to the other side, standing next to him.
They smiled.
They didn't move.
The bus gone.

Her first bus came, on the other side of the road.
She didn't move.
He didn't move.
Her bus gone.

Her second bus came, on the other side of the road.
She took a step, looked at him.
He didn't move.
Her second bus gone.

Her third bus came.
She walked slowly to the other side.
She looked at him.
He smiled.
He didn't move.
She got on the bus.
She cried.
The bus gone.

His second bus came.
He didn't move.
His bus gone.

He rushed to the other side of the road.
No bus came.
He cried.

Before Sunrise, Before Sunset

2008-05-06T18:03:00.002+08:00

I finished reading the script of Before Sunshine and Before Sunset non-stop in 4 days.

I saw both movies 3 years ago. The lines are still familiar. Those scenes replayed in my brain with the detailed description of Location Notes. between the space of Celine and Jesse’s conversations, I carefully weighed up my change with my fingers rubbing against the rim of the pages.

I did change as expected.

Three years ago, I was thinking, if there is a man I can walk and talk with without feeling bored a whole day, it would be definitely a wonderful memory of life.

Three years after, however, when seeing Winnie quoted: “to seek for a good partner, most importantly, you can talk with him/her quietly without feeling tired within hours.” I could help leaving my comments.

These comments are mostly some thoughts after reading the script, also part of my change of mind lead by a lot of things happened to me. I share with all of you.

Comment I: About Talk

“I feel more and more blur about the line between friendship and relationship. So far in my life there is more than one man who can be talked with within hours, how can they all be my partners? You cannot guarantee the next minute whether you will be sick of his words, or vice versa. And just because you lack of time and communication, you will cherish the time to talk; if talking every day, you won’t be in that mood. "

Two lonely travelers from two different cultural backgrounds, young and good-looking, met in an unfamiliar and beautiful city along their journey. They both loved pondering, had more or less dissatisfactions and expectations towards the world; they were both good at talking and even knew the time limit would be 1 day only, it would be a miracle if the movie wouldn’t touch you in such a perfect setting. Just because of 1 day only, this affection had no attachment of chores and troubles in life; oppositely, in the comparables of reality and beautification of memories, it kept on expanding and became an autography, which has kept for 10 years.

Actually it is the force of time and environment. Hong Kong is happened to be one of those cities, with cultural mix and temporary settlement; most people are stuck in business and loneliness. It seems full and luxurious but empty and panic. And we are all grown-ups, not kids who could cry for a candy. Many people want to vent and let off without knowing from where and to whom. Even when you are willing to talk, others might probably too busy to listen; you are willing to listen, others might probably dare not to say.

In some spectacular situations, starting from some negligible topics and shifting into a serious one, and it happened a man and a woman who are both willing to listen and talk, this conversation can last more than 2 hours, followed with a SMS, MSN, FB, Email or sth. after saying calling it an end.

A lot of male friends would like to listen to me but I am not willing to talk, a number of them would like to talk with me but I am not that interested listening, some are willing to talk and I am willing to listen to but refuse to talk. Counted with my conscious, I have 3-5 male friends we can talk and listen to each other, with 1 to several conversations. They have different relationship status, from different families, classes and countries, but they all have the sensitivity for life from unique perspectives.

The premise of a good talk with a man, is that you should have mutual attractions but no lechery in you. I have to admit the male Hormone, but showing some weird expression in eyes or change the meaning of the topics soon after started, or later sending some disturbing SMS or MSN, sorry, I don’t think we are on the same boat. I hide from you in order to be polite; an emotional person like me will probably use the 3rd finger and 4-letter words when not pleased.

A few great talks have deepened my thoughts and unleashed my ties, like some unknown fragrance, inhaled into my soul. These friends are those I will cherish forever, I maybe say to them for my shyness, but did tattoo in my heart.

Sometimes I also fear that our friendships would be distant for being busy, would be expired or disappeared for being separated someday. Someday, some reasons, our conversations cannot continue anymore. If it does happen, at least something will be remembered in mind, even without noticed.

What will we be in ten years? From now on how many close male friends will I have? Which one might become my partner some day, or zero?

There’s no what-if and cannot say what-if. Time will tell.

Comment II: About Marriage

“And this is basically my view on marriage, a color-faded and broken red thread you endeavor to hold it together, exhausting.”

The background setting of Before Sunset-Jesse got married and had a boy, Celine was still single. A free American youngster who was “Designed to be dissatisfy with everything”, was forced to get married because of the baby and well-behaved, but complained inside; a romantic French girl who worshiped love, turned into an independent green fighter, while disappointed from one relationship after another. They both regarded One Night as their life treasure.

Destiny made a joke on them-couldn’t meet on the appointed date, no any contacts, used to live only 2 streets away in NYC without running into each other. 10 years later they met in Paris, the mutual memory has become a best-seller, a love Waltz, and a comparable to reality. From some extent, they have never separated, like a fuse keeping on burning after blowing off the fire, till the end with an explosion.

Ten years. They both changed, for compromise of life and exhaustion of maturity. They are cautious with their behaviors and words, covering their inside emptiness and desire for each other with seeming happy lives.

But Jesse didn’t give up. His passion was lit on after ten years, endeavor to seek for the current romance he has lost for long. The vain waiting in the Vienna Train Station, the sudden meet-up in Paris, from the Shakespeare & Co.Bookstore to the Le Pure Café to la Promenade Plantée, on the boat, in the car and at Celine’s apartment. He gave up the flight home. He sat on the sofa and laughed at Celine’s dance, holding his left hand up and briefly twirls his wedding ring with his left thumb.
“Baby, you are gonna miss…the…plane….”
“I know.”
Céline continues her dance as the scene fades to black. The movie ended without the end of the story.

What happened after that is no more important. I feel sorry for Jesse’s wife, who was more trivial than a One Day memory ten-year ago, even only a substitute of a beautiful shadow? Meanwhile Celine kept on complaining all her ex-boyfriends asked her out and thanked her for teaching them how to love a woman.

In the movie our eyes all followed Jesse and Celine, we forgot other people and the story out of the story.

Inside and outside marriage the besieged city walk too many survivors. How many of us look pale after taking off the mask?

Don’t know why I feel so horrible and negative about marriage.

A junior high school gathering. Many of my ex-classmates were married and even had kid(s), I felt extremely terrified instead of being jealous;

Met a good high school friend who gave up her career chance and followed her bf after graduation. I felt happy but also worried about her the day I saw the couple. Her bf’s health condition is not that ideal after an illness, dark and too skinny. I txt her after coming back to HK, saying I was worrying about her and the guy she is going to marry; she replied saying she worried about my singledom, “once over 30, you are done.”

All of a sudden I realized we had already walked on two completely different paths, with different views, different thoughts, different values, too difficult to discuss on this problem deeper.
As long as she feels happy.

In my hometown where I had lived for 18 years, she is a woman, I am a freak. A simple golden rule there: All women should be married and give birth, serve their husbands and educate their kids. Unmarried women are all unwanted, married women without kids are all not capable to have kid; unmarried men are all have physical problems; divorced couples are all have personality spots or healthy problems.

For many women, marriage in a receipt. A relationship based on money once has that piece of paper, she will have a 50% account even signing another; a real relationship with that piece of paper seems like a lifetime promise. The point is, a man who would change and betray you, he will. He is not linked to that paper; he would love to sign again if needed. Are all you have given up for marriage worthwhile? Do you have other tools for survival once without the marriage?

For me, marriage is a shoulder pole with two heavy coffers at both ends. Family and career, beauty and health, wife and mother, right and compromise, freedom and constraint, all together to carry for a woman to the end of life.

People who fear and doubt about marriage, are those who will seriously spend time to think about relationship and future, who will seriously treat their and their partners’ life. Think before taking action, once they make up their mind, they will carry on and go straight forward without regret.

The first scene of Before Sunrise, a German couple were quarrelling on the train, which was also the topic they talked. Jesse successfully persuaded Jesse getting off the train with the topic of Marriage, too.

Jesse: “ Alright, alright. Think of it like this. Umm-uh, jump ahead, ten, twenty years, okay, and you're married. Only your marriage doesn't have that same energy that it used to have, you know. You start to blame your husband. You start to think about all those guys you've met in your life, and what MIGHT have happened if you'd picked up with one of them, right? ”
(Céline starts laughing a bit.)
Jesse: “Well, I'm one of those guys. (Points at himself.) That's me, you know, so think of this as time travel, from then, to now, uh, to find out what you're missing out on. See, what this really could be is a gigantic favor to both you and your future husband, to find out that you're not missing out on anything. I'm just as big a loser as he is, totally unmotivated, totally boring, and, uh, you made the right choice, and you're really happy. ”

And he was trapped in marriage after all, becoming his own punch line years later.

I always believe, that there’s no lifetime love but lifetime responsibility. When passion fades away, taking care of each other becomes a habit, a good habit, a successful marriage.

And kid becomes a chip. Recently a new word came into the Webster-a Band-aid Baby. Very vivid, it means a kid that maintains the swinging relationship, just like a Band-aid, covering the bleeding wound.

And wound of love would never recover, even it skins over, it will be a scar with different color.

The wedding day will be a dream to all women, which is my positive thinking for marriage. One day, I might be trapped and become my own punch line.

After all, I am a woman.

Comment III: About Attraction

“It is better to keep some distance off with the one you like. Both of your magnetic fields can attract and repulse each others, till the day your forces neutralize. The feeling is gone.”

If it wasn’t Celine’s grandmother’s funeral that day, they would have met in the Vienna Train Station after 6 months. And then maybe as what they thought, “they start to get to know each other better and they realize that they don't get along at all. ”
I fear so.
I like one person, far more than LIKE. The first time I am being that honest to myself.
I can fall in love with everything, simply because some great feeling running through my veins in a blink of an eye, or a smile dancing on my face which I cannot resist of.
Everything except man.
I admit that I am a rational cold fish. The affection usually a woman has plus 10 times can only speed my heartbeat 1 second.
It took me 3 seasons to understand my feeling.
Within this period we only had a few meet-ups and conversations-peaceful, relaxing and happy. The last time we talked, I found a lot in common.
Within this late period for time we haven’t met, I have been always wondering what he was up to, who he is meeting and talking, and if he might think of me sometimes.
I feel sad for an unknown answer. Some desire inside made me annoyed, mean and self-depressed.
I don’t like the ME who lost the ability to judge. I don’t wanna lose a friendship for some outrageous emotions for love.
Be natural. Enjoy the respective freedom, go our own ways, no bother, till next time our paths cross.
I don’t believe sort of “Never give up”, “You have to try” slogans. Yes, you can rely on yourself for many things, except this. A single palm can never applause.
Maybe I am just a steel wire wrapped in rounds, being attracted by a magnetic field. I am in a mess because I have no magnetic force at all.
But, once stick together, you will never go farther for repulsiveness.
Don’t know since when I am not persistent anymore. Still I am impatient and efficient, just…for some emotions I hardly handle inside, I stepped on and ground them with my high heel.
Simplicity is beauty, distance produced beauty. Meeting someone in your life makes a beautiful memory.

Misc

Quoted some critics, “A twin movie that fit for those who haven’t destroyed the bloom of love for life.”

Jesse and Celine in Before Sunshine were the same age as we are, when we are deeply touched by the pure communication; however, in Before Sunset, life changed them a lot, only the perfect memory remains. 10 years later, we should sigh and sob for destiny as well.

But something that once happened in our life and hided in our heart will never gone. You always lack of time to tidy them up, you always need a coincidence to review the past.

3 years. For something trivial, I found my life is surprisingly familiar with the movie, I coincidently picked up the script;
How long will be the next coincidence?

All, time will tell, before sunshine and sunset.

Vagina Monologue08@HK

2008-05-06T18:02:00.003+08:00

-Gloria X

I was standing in the dark control room looking down from the window watching Kate doing dozens of different moans in front of the audience. All people were laughing back and forth.

I laughed with worship and awe. It is difficult. It is with sweat, a contributing heart and an open vagina.

Kate actually lost her voice in the first performance on Friday. She worried that she couldn’t make part of the moans.
“What about a Chinese moan instead?” A lady suggested.
“What’s a Chinese moan like?” They turned to me.
“Well, I don’t know.” I winked.
How could I know? Guess won’t be in English, or maybe they don’t moan?
We all laughed.

Physically, I know nothing about sex. Neither most girls of my age who haven’t got married in mainland China.
Or…did I underestimate their open vaginas since China is now a so-called “Reformed and Open Society”?

I never know. We won’t talk.

“You can never have a good sex.” My friend said to me with in semi-drunk mind in a bar, as I told him virginity is something vital for a traditional Chinese marriage.
I didn’t say anything, with a suspicious smile on my face.
Well, even if you try a lot before marriage, it is like gambling, 50-50, the worst luck is 0-100.
He suddenly leaned closer and whispered in my ear.
“Did you masturbate?”
“No…”
“That’s weird.”
I burnt into laughter. Fortunately he was talking to a Chinese girl like me who is open to mix-culture, or he might have been slapped on the face with a sin called “sexual harassment”.
We didn’t go further discussion with that. No need to. Even I explained, even a guy who is quite experienced and well-educated in school could never understand when he is not in a woman’s shoes.
Even I never understand myself very well, not mentioned the understanding with other women.
That’s how the sexual attraction comes from. Life is boring. We need exploration, we need surprise. We are all curious.
And some women were invaded in their land of saint in this process.
That’s why we do Vagina Monologue.

Vagina, vagina, vagina.
I can speak this word for thousands of time without feeling embarrassment in English. Instead with my major background, I think its syllables pronounce so harmonic and beautiful, a perfect combination of a labial, a pouting and a dental sound.
My mother tongue is not English, some words to me, are less than what they mean.
The translation in Chinese sounds very medical and scientific, and we don’t usually see these two characters except some illegal flyers for private clinics posted on the wall.

Language is something related to life embedded with strong emotions. Vocabulary itself is meaningless. The true meaning is between the lines.
That’s where your heart echoes and punches with.

That’ why the drama are so popular and fabulous and meaningful even all you see on stage are some women talking about their own stories.

The vagina is between your legs, while the monologue is in your heart. You are waiting someone to say it and follow and talk.

I took out the Teddy Bear, opening its legs, looked deep into it with my right eyes, to explain what a 6-year-old girl’s understanding:
“Somewhere deep inside it has a really really smart brain.”

Audience laughed.

Of course you see nothing between the legs of the Teddy Bear.
Most probably you won’t be forced to shave your pubic hair by a husband who screws around;
Most probably you won’t be abstinent and had cancer there;
Most probably you haven’t been tortured by your little boy friend when 7 years old, by your father’s friend when 10 years old, and became a lesbian;
Most probably you won’t be raped by 7 soldiers for days in a war;
Most probably you won’t be a sex worker who only worked for women
Most of us are having a peaceful life without starvation and pain.
But we all see it, hear it and feel it between the lines, with our own stories told in our hearts.
During nearly 2 hours, the emotions vibrated and mixed deep inside, we laughed, we kept silent, we cried, we hugged, we screamed, we hugged, we applause.
The vagina has you. It has all of us.

That’s why we all came together.

From Dec 07 to Mar 08, 4 complete months. We started from zero and reached HKD$70,000 for HK refugee women.

It was absolutely not an easy process. Under the lead of B and Danielle, meetings, looking for sponsorship, venue, publicities, starting launch party, crawl for a cause, talented night, exhibition, rehearsals and official performances, with tons of emails.

But we made it. The baby is beautiful in our hands.

The last time we shouted “Vday Team, Go vagina go” while on stage with a bow to audience, with roses in our hands, we realized how powerful we are.

And I was lost again there in thoughts. Clearly remembered the first time, I met all these ladies, I saw another Kate moaning at the roof of Fringe Club. She moaned and all laughed. A gentleman at the next table suddenly shouted,
Hey are you girls insane?
More laughters.
But at that moment I felt frustrated and shamed. What the hell is that? Doing moans in an open area? Something I thought only happened in X-rated movies; even that would be only watched in private rooms.

But now all I could remind of is all these beautiful words in “I was there in the room”:

"The heart is capable of sacrifice.
So is the vagina.
The heart is able to forgive and repair.
It can change its shape to let us in.
It can expand to let us out.
So can the vagina.
It can ache for us and stretch for us, die for us
and bleed and bleed us into this difficult, wondrous world.
I was there in the room.
I remember."

I do. And I never feel that proud of myself.

Best wishes for all the ladies all over the world.

Big thank-yous for all people who was with us, are with us, and will be with us.

xG.

Coincidence and Luck

2008-05-06T18:02:00.002+08:00

26 March 08 00:51

If I didn’t go to Fringe Club for the rehearsal, I wouldn’t have been in Central.
If I wasn’t in Central, I wouldn’t walk from Central to Quarry Bay back.
If I didn’t go to HSBC ATM, I wouldn’t have dropped my Octopus card without noticing.
If the Welcome Supermarket didn’t open till mid-night, I wouldn’t have gone there to buy some stuff.
If I didn’t wanna use my Octopus card, I wouldn’t have known that I had lost it.
If I gave up and didn’t go back to HSBC, I would have lost it forever.
But I ran there. It was still there.
So, at least try before giving up, have a little faith on yourself, trust something by your own judgment, and you only need to test your luck.
That’s life, coincidence with luck, Gloria.
So I will try again but giving up, when the coincidence happens.

A golf ball and the hole

2008-05-06T18:01:00.002+08:00

6:16pm 4 Apr 2008

-Inspired by the Destop Wallpaper@my office

Gloria X

Lying on the Green field,
I enjoy my sunshine.

I saw you there.
Deep, quiet and special.
I wanna fall into you.

With the hit I fly
I roll
I get closer and closer.
I touch your rim.

Imagine with ecstasy of falling
I close my eyes
When I open mine
One has taken my domain

With the hit again I fly
I roll
I saw a lot of you
Deep, quiet
But all the same

Which one is mine?
Or
Shall I just lay here
Enjoying my sunshine?

Friends? Friends are…

2008-05-06T17:58:00.002+08:00

Friends? Friends.
Friends are those who left us, and stay with us with ourselves together forever.
Friends are who those can really reflect yourself and let you know who you really are.
These three friends, are with me in Swire PRC MT Circle. We all write.

My Anna Chen:

(A girl from Shenzhen, who jumps all around and talks non-stop in public, who almost accidentially took my first kiss in Club No. 9 and I confirmed I definitley not a les, while she has a calm heart and deep soul inside. Quoted by Sherman, “Like an opera in Broadway, crowded in surface but profound behind the scene. You have to appreciate by heart.” )

We all suddenly realized what had happened when someone has left us so long, and then we started to panic, to breathe fast, to feel the pain we couldn't resist of. Countless arrangements should have been made before we met everyone else by our fate, then how can the movement of farewell become that easy and lively? Can we really “Not even taking away a piece of cloud”?

Then we started to recall and introspected what we had said and done, and realized how careless, arrogant and unconscious we were. And the tolerance, understanding,, patience and assistance we always hided, were carelessly ignored as well. No matter who accompany with us, we all repeat this mistake.

My Sherman Liu:
(A collegue, friend, brother who I met in a sudden, and left in a sudden. Our path cross was that short and peaceful but full of sparkles of thoughts for life, dreams and work. A guy who can use the formulas of Physics and Automatics to explain life while I used my Psycholinguistics and Sociolinguistics, a guy I will miss forever no matter where he goes and flies. )

In fact, everyone is an invader of another in the space of life. It is like clicking into one’s blog, you read and appreciate and comment, however one day you cannot find the website anymore, or say, you lost your invader, time stops at the last time you meet. Friends, families, lovers, even enemies and those who you hate are all the same. You like him/her, love him/her, or dislike and hate him/her, you can never avoid the leave. You will be accustomed to it as time goes by, you will finally understand that “thousands of people you meet, in thousands of year, in the infinite wilderness of time, no sooner or later, you happen to be on time having nothing to say but only asking: Oh, are you here too?” is not pretending to be restrained, but the blandness you own after having experienced too many separations and gatherings; you will also understand that we are all like the leaves in the river, the groom and sorrow in “quietly I am leaving, just like quietly I was arriving; I wave goodbye, not even taking away a piece of cloud.”

My Gretchen Yuen:

(A girl I will marry if I were a guy. The girl living downstairs, beautiful, peaceful and confident, the girl who always told me I am good and nice and beautiful and clever and taught me to love and appreciate myself. I used to listen to her piano in my own room and smile on my bed sleeping, and wondered how she could bear with my dancing and singing in mid-night trampling my floor-her ceiling. )

I am accustomed to definite “FRIEND” as those whose paths cross with us in some certain time and space. This thought made me feel lost while saying farewell, because it means not seeing again. We are all young and energetic, our hearts travel a thousand mile even before our take our steps.

If one day I leave this city, there won’t be any farewell party, won’t be seeing-off in the airport with tears, because I have very few friends who I really care, and they are all on the road, like me.

My Me Gloria Xiao:

(I don’t know who I am. With my little talent of language and appreciation of arts, I can change my facial expressions and voices within seconds. I am noisy and crazy while singing and dancing, I am silent while writing and jogging alone. But they are all me. Changeable, but all real without masks. I need a whole life to learn myself while seeing others. )

We haven’t experienced our parents’ time of turbulence and become tough and strong. We all become glass in such a delicate city. Even some of us are intensified; we are still doubting our capacity of smash endurance. We are not able to guess the true distance by the layers of transparencies between us.

We are all lacking of security, in a safe, convenient and developed city of glass.

We have time to be lonely, have time to mourn our loneliness, but have no courage to break mutual loneliness, although we all know we need to deep inside. I called on the cell that day but you couldn’t make it, I walked along the sea wall quietly at night.

Were my emotions with me at that moment?

You need to be 200% proactive in this city even offering others help, but never expect rewards, or you will be disappointed. And I feel extremely tired in my 2nd year here. My loneliness and helplessness reach the climax in the drizzle these days.

We are all selfish animals. More and more I feel the truth of this. Most of times we won’t admit, because it is so frank and real, just like we clearly know what a naked body look like, while getting dress on by instinct to leave some space for fantasy.

We live to experience achievement and happiness of satisfaction. Anything not related to ourselves, study, work, life, etc., are not our treasure. My view on “Friends should be selfless, help asks for no reward” exists just for experiencing my happiness and satisfaction. But in this process of self-satisfaction, I can satisfy others at the same time, why I wouldn’t do it?

I am not accustomed to not saying thank-you while being helped; I am just too shy to say it. It is like you can laugh, cry, fight, quarrel with your friends at ease while you feel uncomfortable and nervous trying to get closer to someone you really wanna get close.

I do hope that my friends feel the same while I offer my help. I do hope my spring just began and unfrozen my heart.

Sometimes I don’t even say farewell, simply because I do hope, those I like, I worship, I love, will never ever leave my heart and stay the ME inside.

Some Objects

2008-05-06T17:58:00.001+08:00

I. Curtain

I am looking at you
You are looking at me

The curtain is between us
I cannot see you
You cannot see me

Have you gone?
Shall I go?
Now or never?

Who will remove the curtain?
You or me?
Now or never?

I am still looking at you
Are you still looking at me?
The curtain is between us

II. Shadow

It stops
It moves
It follows me

It can be lengthen
It can be shorten
It may shrink
It may exaggerate

Nevertheless
It cannot be twisted
Because I always stand straight

Days of being alone (II)

2008-05-06T17:57:00.001+08:00

Trajectory in my favorite community Quarry Bay and loving my sweetest little cabin home.

Quarry Bay Park under the starry nights
Bathed in perspirations
Circling around and around the football field
Tears that could not be held back
Ecstasy that could not be restrained
Both
Danced with the rhythms in mind
Dried and melt
Amid the sea wind of Island East Passage

Is the boy
Who seated on the step
Buried his face in the dark
Still sobbing with echoes in his phone
Begging for forgiveness and love
Or is it out of battery?

Mixed in the Spluree of 7-Eleven
With complicated emotions eager to be forgotten
Drink to the bottom at one breath
The battle between cold and hot
Stirred the unavoidable pain
Swallowed up my stomach

5/F
21 Hoi Wan Street
Quarry Bay
Unbridled decibel at the balcony
Crazy wiggle in the sitting room
Tears and laughter with movies on lap-top
Burned dishes in the kitchen
With tip-tock tip tock beats
Repeated for 8 months

Yet drowned in Tunes with Island East
Four Seasons of Tung Chung Street
In the sound of delicate violin
Among the silky ribbons of dancers in red
Drop with peanut shells in 2EB
Unfolded with door of Café Einstein
Relaxation and satisfaction
Seduced my tongue with twin ice creams
At Macdonald, 24

Miss the passion of Artwalk in Taikoo Place
Crystal flowing of Shanshui (Mountain & River)
Twisted Two in Tango
Occupied the mind of The Watcher
Power that desires for the sun
Turns into wings flying to unlimited glory
Or dear Horus
Did you extinguish while getting close by
Becoming a dust in the universe
Forever fly

Hide myself in the heart of the Green Apple
Eyesight crashed with thousands of hectic walkers
Some day, someone
Will discover
Appreciation of lonely beauty
And willing to stay

Days of being alone (I)

2008-05-06T17:55:00.001+08:00

Trajectory in a city of loneliness, random walking from Admiralty to Quarry Bay

A city extended from the tram lane
Buried in the clamor of traffic
My mind drifted to the other side of Central Pier No. 6
Vanished

Crisscross of night and neon
Is the Cappuccino of Habitu
Hot smoke slowly becomes light fog
Fragrance of coco and cream
Mixed with the smell of cigarettes
In the windy Wing Fung Street
Passing shoulders of sorrow and freedom

Who was in the MO Bar of Oriental Mandarin
Took a sip of Absolute Vodka on the rock
While the Saxophone and African Drum
Drop from heaven to the earth

Who was in C of LKF
Broke the red high heel
Tumbled into the crazy dance floor
While the soul fell out of the shell

Who was walking on the wing of wind
At 3am on Queensway Road
Scared by its own shadow
Awaken from dreams

The MTR exit from Admiralty to Three PP
Performs the glamour of fashion
Petty bourgeoisie on Star Street
With the sudden drizzle
Falling on both sides of warm face
Moisten the footprints of 1hr and 45 minutes

A city of confusion and loneliness
A heart of lost and desire
Swaggered through the streets of CWB
Red dust coat
Cream-colored cap
Black iPod
Whether
Passers-by also heard
The heavy metal in the soft songs
Or
They only saw
Under the visor of the cap
The poker face of indifference

Giggled the self-embarrassment of no shatter in the rain
Excitement of unknown
In the eyes of an innocent Russian dog
I saw someone familiar
The girl in my mirror

2008-05-06T17:52:00.000+08:00

One Typhoon Night

2008-05-06T17:51:00.001+08:00

I was lying on the sofa, watching movie the Village on TVB Pearl just to kill time for a typhoon day.

They sat on the passage:
Ivy Walker: When we are married, will you dance with me? I find dancing very agreeable. Why can you not say what is in your head?
Lucius Hunt: Why can you not stop saying what is in yours? Why must you lead, when I want to lead? If I want to dance I will ask you to dance. If I want to speak I will open my mouth and speak. Everyone is forever plaguing me to speak further. Why? What good is it to tell you you are in my every thought from the time I wake? What good can come from my saying that I sometimes cannot think clearly or do my work properly? What gain can rise of my telling you the only time I feel fear as others do is when I think of you in harm? That is why I am on this porch, Ivy Walker. I fear for your safety before all others. And yes, I will dance with you on our wedding night.

I gradually lost my awareness; this sweetness would give me a good dream.

Who will dance with me on the wedding night?

Encounter

2008-05-06T17:34:00.002+08:00

The Buddha said, only looking back for 500 times achieved a shoulder-brushed.

Never know if it is true, but some people click the first time we met, feeling like old friends.

No need to know each other before when encountering, no need to greet and start a conversation at ease. Even the topic is not important, talk while sitting, standing and walking.

Some of them, the first time I met with is also the last time, and left the city in a hurry. Nothing to regret while farewell. A smile, a hug, a wave, then go on our own way, not even turning around, not looking forward to reencounter. If some day somewhere we meet again occasionally, and we still remember each other, we will exchange the same smile; if not, just act like the 1st time.

I convince that each of us used to remember, that unspeakable and quiet feeling in our hearts. Maybe we all assumed in some blink of an eye, that if this were not the first time or the last time, what would we be? The illusion flied like a wing from the heart, like a crystal bubble, floating in the air. In the moment it became the reflection of the rainbow, burst by the moisture. The moment our eyesight crossed, then we smiled.

The scream while running the red light in CWB, the Belly Dance in Sahara, the chill along the BED lounge, the wind through the tram in King’s Road, the relaxation of boat trip, the punch lines while hiking, the life philosophy in the tea house, the taste menu in the restaurant, and dozens of stuff I couldn’t remember anymore, becoming some unlinked but heartfelt clips.
It is said when you get old, you live by your memory. Many years later, I will certainly remember, those beautiful and pure encountering with numberless people in uncountable times.

No matter where you are, no matter if you still remember me, wish you the best and peace.

2008-01-17T00:08:00.000+08:00

Is there someone out there?

2007-07-10T11:45:00.000+08:00

Winnie said, don't tell me you don't feel lonely in HK, anyone says no, I will get mad with u!!

Yes, we are, out of home, and out of mind sometimes.

The first time I sensed it was on the tram. It was so slow and patient that the only thing you could do is looking out of the window while the wind blowing your hair. DING DING, one stop, DING DING, another. It seemed like the journey on the lane would never end, it seemed time grows slower and slower, and the next second it will stop.

All stops. But me. I looked around, the movement of light froze in the air. I saw a middle-aged man sitting in the front of the tram, with a typical Mediterranean Head. His back to me, I took a picuture of him and named it TIME.

I only need someone to talk to, with a topic callded silence. Sitting somewhere, standing somewhere, lying somewhere.
Quiet. But we do talk. Time vanishes. I don't know how long it takes. And then I feel better.
Thank you for talking to me. I smile, from my heart. And we depart, get on our feet. Time goes back, and we continue the path, alone.

U may ask, when is the next time for talk? I don't know, it depends how empty this city is. But if u feel like talking, any time.

I prefer a company this way. Is there anyone out there who would talk to me like that, without asking me for contributing my freedom and independance as payment? I know I am selfish, always be, but I am willing to talk at any time when needed. Does it count? And therefore I don't need to ask for more. All I need is to talk, and just sometimes.

I found out I was still on the tram. I clicked my fingers and time moved on again. I like walking long distance despite my aching feet with my high-heel shoes but that's the way I feel I am doing sth, moving on on my own; I like sitting on the tram despite a waste of time but that's the way I feel the breeze and I know I am living and breathing.

This city is out of home, and always out of mind. It needs someone out there to talk to and feel better, don't u?
And I am always there, listening, nodding, and then smile, wiping your tears. COMFORT.

Show me the meaning of being lonely? No, thanks. Please show me the meaning of NOT being lonely.
Sometimes. Like...NOW.

A message from an unfamiliar gal

2007-07-07T03:36:00.000+08:00

He opened his E-mail box and found an unread msg lying quietly in the inbox. It was sent days ago. He looked at the name, someone he could dimly recalled in his memory, met for several times. Business greeting or sth.

He read:

"Dear XX,

I don't know how soon you are gonna read this. But PLS FINISH IT. It took me ages and tons of courage to decide making this drunk-dialing.

I guess I have a confession to make. Since the first time I met you, I just couldn't explain my feeling on you, for the first time of my life.

I can still remember the number: up to now, we've met for 5 times, and talked less than 10 complete sentences, even myself felt ridiculous about what went wrong with me.

The first time was in the Familiarization tour when I happened to sit next to you during a lunch. I tried to break the ice but you seemed to cool to talk, you didn’t look at me. I was a bit disappointed but I didn’t care much at that moment. If time could be turned back, I really wish that were the only time I saw you. I didn’t even know your name.

It took nearly 8 months till our path crossed again. I took a glance round at the lecture hall and I saw you. It was like seeing an old friend who I haven’t met for ages. I tried to talk to you again but I couldn’t even find any topic. This time you smiled and nodded. I remembered your name.

That night we went out but you didn’t show up. Disappointed again, even more than the first time.

And one week later in xx’s flat you showed up by chance. We shook hand (really funny); I was still struggling for topic but still couldn’t get one. It rarely happened to me when I communicated with people. But everything went the wrong track. Suddenly I felt like someone else. With you was a one-sentence conversation this time, however making process and satisfying enough. From then on, I had this little secret inside.

Then it was the company dinner. I was standing right in front of you but the gentleman I was talking to kept on talking so long that I couldn’t turn around. It sounds really funny now but that moment was like a year for me. Eventually with S’s unconscious help I opened the chatting box. And you just couldn’t imagine how excited I was when seeing we were in the same table. I was impressed by the way you talked and behaved. I couldn’t take my eyes off you. True. And it broke the record that I finally had a conversation of more than 5 mins after the dinner. And you did remember my name, which was a big surprise.

And after that I was trapped in great agony. I knew I was such a loser; I didn’t even try and thought it would be a doom for granted. Nobody will care someone who are just randomly met and rarely talk to. It did happen to me by no reason.

I feel like knowing you so long before. For me you should be very independent and always stick to your dreams and looking for achievements. You might sense you are different from others and try your best to melt into the group. You stick to what you think is right and wrong. Talented, idealist, love freedom, change, and traveling.

Or maybe you are not. I don’t know. But I prefer to believe my sixth sense.

The last time was at xxx. I didn’t know you were there too. Still, feeling too strange to start any topic and even say Hi. I hated that ME. And I guess that is why I never succeeded carrying on even just being friends, I screwed it up.

I finally got a chance to say hello but you talked like the first time we met. So distant and remote. This time I was frustrated. It implied that it was going to an end, although it had never started. I even was of a little bit comfort that you are soon away to another country. Time and distance flow everything away. Will it work this time?

F called last night but I decided not going. And I decided to let you know. I wrote to you because I had never expected anything from you, then I had nothing to lose. I wrote because I decided to give up. All I want is a rejection which had been already known to help me move on. I was like a joker in this stupid relationship I set for myself.

And I really wanna thank you, although you may know nothing about the story. But it helps me to grow. For me it will be a bittersweet memory, which I might think of in my latter path, like an incredible novel, I thought it only happened in the movie but it happened to me. No matter who I will meet later, you were the one. No need to feel sorry for me, I will be fine after you read this.

A used to say to me indifferently, “You are not even friends!” It was like a knife stabbing into the heart because it is the reality and truth, so cruel that I couldn’t sleep and have cried for nights after hearing something I rejected to listen to. But I have to face the truth. If we could be friends, that’s enough, no matter where we are going to be. I was thinking sending this to you after you leave, but I am afraid my courage will soon fade away. If I will meet you again during this coming month, I will come up and say hi. I hope so. 

I am so sure that you will make achievements in your career and your dream of flying. Will be there with all my best wishes and would be happy to share anything if you would like to, or maybe you wouldn’t.

I guess you won’t forget this time, I bet this is the longest message you have had received, feeling like writing an essay, haha…

Take care, and all the best.

Yours,
xxx

22:59, 18th June 2007"

He was a little bit surprised, unexpected. He tried to recall those meet-ups in his brain but it was so blur and far away. Should he write back?

She opened her E-mail box and found an unread msg lying quietly in the inbox, Today. She looked at the name, she has been waiting for this moment for a whole week. She hesitated, she walked around the room, she sat down, opened it. After all,sth. she had to face with. She knew it wouldn't be any miracles, however in the deepest part of her heart some tiny hope exists.

She read:

"Hi, that is quite a long message! I did read it all though.

It’s quite a surprise to read, and you flatter me in part. Don't take it personally I don't say much or that I am not very proactive making friends-it does aggravate quite a few people, friends and others, but I am content staying independent and so usually only speak if I have something worth saying.

Next time paths cross I'll try to make a point of saying hi, but I’m committed to my independence and not entering any relationships. Relax and take it easy.

All the best"

She smiled. Nothing surprising, nothing unexpected. He is really the one she thought he is, the one in common with her, the one who had done sth. similiar as she had done before to someone else. What could she expect for more? At least he replied, putting an end, giving her the answer she would like to have. She would like to have this, she kept on telling herself.

She clicked the REPLY:

"Fortunately you replied...released that I didn't cause any trouble for u...lol

Then u r really what I think you are --"For me you should be very independent and always stick to your dreams and looking for achievements. You stick to what you think is right and wrong. Talented, idealist, love freedom, change, and traveling. "

I totally undertand this kind of life style 'cause I am always very independent and never get into any relationship either, and maybe that's why I see sth. in common. But a little bit fortune telling, one day u will rely on sb. for some reason, don't tell me wrong or right, time will tell. :)

I guess this is the best answer I wanna hv. Really appreciate it and no worries, I am relaxed and continue my independent life as usual.

Take care."

That was her first time, calling an end to the story, before it started. She knew both of them has made the right decisions. Maybe years later, he will regret, or maybe not; maybe years later she would find out it was not love but blur feeling at all, but it will be a bittersweet memory, craving in the bottom of her heart.

-the end

Melody in life-Charles Dutoit w/ HKPO

2007-07-07T03:11:00.000+08:00

第三次在香港聼Orchestra。這一次去香港文化中心聼著名指揮Charles Dutoit和HKPO合作的表演。由於Swire是HKPO的固定贊助商，GPO BOX訂了超正的票位——正中第三排。

上次在POLY　Ｕ聼一個美國音樂學院的表演時，演奏者都是十幾嵗的小孩，音樂和諧度比較差卻帶着年輕生命獨有的歡快與活力，令人忍俊；而這次則是很認真的去聼一次嚴肅音樂。曾經在哪裏看過，人的生命中至少要聼一次嚴肅的音樂，去活躍大腦的皮層，讓自己的生命引起共鳴，去獲取更多人生的力量與醒悟。

每次聼Orchestra的時候我都會覺得一種隱隱的感動，也許我並沒有真正了解到底所聼的樂曲表達的是什麽，但是每次聼不同的旋律我都會感傷，然而是很充滿幸福感的感傷。我不知道該如何去解釋這種矛盾，我在這樣的矛盾中回想起一些平常忽略的點點滴滴。都說人開始年齡增長就會喜歡緬懷過去，我則是在重拾過去的力量中，重新去憧憬未來。

加拿大小提琴家Ms. Juliet的琴聲激昂而澎湃。在樂團的合音襯托下，展現了一個充滿熱情，奮鬥，滿懷希望的世界。那是高雅音樂帶給我們的另類享受，内心深處的震撼。連續的高潮令人應接不暇，卻絲毫沒有給人過份的負荷。幾曲終了，心情卻久久難以平靜。

下半場前半段的合奏略顯疲乏，然而對於一個近兩個小時的純演奏會來説，是不值得挑這樣的小毛病的。最後的尾聲也非常完美，音樂的輕重分佈恰如其分，隨著最後一個音符划上休止，觀衆爆發出持久的雷鳴掌聲，Dutoit連謝了四次幕才回到後臺。

出音樂厛的時候我一直在想，獻身給藝術的人的一生將會是如何的與衆不同？藝術的追求與創造需要長期不滅的欲望與熱情，永遠年輕的心態和樂觀不服輸的精神，那應該是做人追求的一種高境界了。我向奉獻給藝術的人以最崇高的敬意。

在擁擠的街道中閉上雙眼，我似乎還看到了Ms. Juliet的微笑，在琴聲的間歇中隨手扯掉斷掉的一根馬尾，重新在臺上預備下一樂章.....

這個時候的我，最容易滿足于眼前；這樣的人生，無憾。琴聲，歌聲，燭光晚餐，曼舞，電影，談笑風生......

Belief and Truth

2007-07-04T22:59:00.001+08:00

It is said that 95% of humans believe there's existence of super-natural spirits, in whatever forms.

However, in my book, belief does not equal to truth. And humans have been seeking for the truth before humans, yet still we cannot get an answer.

But just assuming, do we really need the truth? Do we really need an answer? What if the truth, the answer is just totally opposite to our belief? and what if there're more than one answer? Some of us will be content, some of us will be desperate. Or the worst of all, all of us.

And then, do you still want an answer, like a pin to burst your bubble, like the darkness to cover your eyes, like a nightmare to replace your sweet dream?

Let's say the answer is 50-50. If you are still struggling to say yes, then how to go on your life, after you find out what you had believed in the past cannot stand on its feet? Can you swiftly reshuffle your brain layers and accept the truth to be your new belief?

Let's say another 50-50 in the previous 50 with a Y. Then if no here, you will soon collide since you have nothing to rely on; if yes, well, you are not a believer but a confused truth goer, since you have never found your own point.

As I said before, two important things in human nature is doubtness, or skepticalism and regret. It explains all. Life itself is contradiction. We persue truth and we are fear of truth, we have our own belief but it can be fragile facing the truth.

But no matter what the truth is, what our belief is, we have tried, are trying, and will try.

Thus we all have the same goal, we all appreciate the process of persuing truth and sticking to our belief, we are all seekers with a strong mind, even people like me who is result-oriented cannot deny that and see the beauty of this power and courage.

What comforts me is, that we all believe we are unique and independent, the truth is, we are not alone.

I have asked myself questions about Belief & Truth when watching Matrix. Today all above come to me while watching Contact.

I think, I have an answer and luckily it is positive.

Beauty and Appreciation

2007-07-03T11:56:00.000+08:00

If someone told you that appearance is not important at all, you gonna find some one who will only appreciate your internal beauty, well, believe me and forgive me, it is totally bullshit, I have to say.

Only these kinds of ppl will tell you this:

1. Those who are big big liars with mean purpose to trap you in some way or they are telling a white lie;

2. Those who don't have external beauty trying to collect their broken pieces of confidence, and most of them hv been hurt before by the so-called appearance;

3. Those who hv so outstanding external beauty that they neglect the previlede they have;

4. Those who watch too many episodes of Ugly Betty and live in the dreams.

In this superficial world, ppl believe the first sight they see. The forever truth is, ppl appreciate your external beauty first, and the fixed impression is under the coat of external beauty you usually hv a superficial and stupid mind. If it turns out to be NOT, then ppl really appreciate your internal beauty.

In the western world there's a very vivid word: Soul Mate, like the quotes in Sex and the City, “two words, a great meaning." It is, and life is so beautiful that someday you come across your soul mate. But nobody will like the soul alone. The soul needs to be bodied in a body, and ideally, a beautiful one.

The real world is cruel. It is like losing weight. You cannot dress your favorite clothes 'cause you are fat. Well, you cannot just hide in your quit and turn on the air-conditioner pretending summer is still decades away, gal, it is June and you need to face the truth. You are seeking for all the fake but good reasons to make yourself blind but still being seen by others, why not get out of your bed, turn off your air-conditioner and sweat a little bit? It helps to lose weight. Sometimes we just need a little push and the courage to face yourself.

If for a long time you are not appreciated by your appearance, you have nothing to blame your parents or genes. All you hv to blame is yourself. Another truth is, "There are not ugly women, but only lazy ones.”

Well then, try to be smart towards ppl around you, and yourself. Life is short and youth is shorter, only wisdom under the cover of beauty is immortal.

时间

2007-07-02T22:11:00.001+08:00

4 June

以前说，80年代生人，感觉是多么的年轻和新鲜，这是一个属于我们的年代。而如今当越来越多的90年代生人，他们的意识，快熟的程度日益攀升，10多岁的娃娃开始有着我们当年临近20时的思考与叛逆，总有种感觉，我们的年代正在飘远。

我最近时不时地感到难过，我觉得我开始老了，不是说外表或者怎么样，是我年龄上每年都会让我难过一次的数字。虽然你可以很潇洒地说年龄只是个数字，但是这些都是安慰自己的借口罢了。我就是觉得很不舒服，怎样？是个数字又怎样，越来越老本来就是......

很明显我是在烦一些烦了跟不烦结果一样的东西。在我对生命的设想上，这个时候的我应该努力奋斗到可以得到一些成就的时候了，可是我还是一片空白，什么都是空白，在家里永远还是孩子，在外边还是最底层的，在很多很多事情上，我还是一无所有。

我要如何来加快这种生命的进程？我要如何寻找到几个轨道的碰撞点来完成更多思想与心灵的火花？谁可以给我答案？？
路都是要自己来走的，在生活里我走得很快很快，在思想里我走得很快很快，在勇气上我却走得很慢很慢，追不上我年龄那一年一次的跳跃。

我想找到那个让我可以对着海，不管矜持哭得一脸眼泪一眼鼻水的肩膀，you will be fine.

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN: THE DIRECTOR’S CUT

2007-07-02T22:09:00.001+08:00

Two yrs ago when I watched the cinema version, it was totally rubbish built on tons of dollars. I hardly believed it was directed by Ridley Scott-Man of Gladiator.

Not till I enjoyed this DVD did I realize it was ruined by FOX cut. The director’s cut is 54 mins longer however every minute is essential. The characters are much more developed and complete. It is a real epic, an ode to history.

About the extra in Director’s cut: the OVERTURE appeared at the very beginning in the dark screen for 1 min. it is a bold trail to calm the audience down and to get ready for a journey back to the ancient time. The INTERMISSION in the middle, also gives audience time to digest and dive into the climax.

About the character:

Balian: the Director’s cut develops deeper of the background, psychology and philosophy of Balian. A real giant doesn’t hv to say how great he is, all he has to do is remember his oath, take action at his will for his people and remain silent. People will spread his fame and history will keep one page of him.

Sibylla: the Director Cut turns her from a vase to a vivid spirit. As she said, every woman has two faces. She embraced her true love regardless of others’ eyes, she killed her own son, the new king of Jerusalem, to end his predictable tragic future; meanwhile she made mistakes like every woman does for revenge, regretted, and redeemed. Like every happy ending, she deserves what she wants in the end, dropping down the load of royalty.

About the music: it is extremely full of sorrow and agony. It penetrates through the whole 4 hrs, even when men fighting with their exposed veins and shed their blood like every other action movie. The music implies that this movie does not glorify the power of war but an elegy to humans sacrificed in search of fortune and land, and faith on religions and human himself.

P.S. Strongly recommended for Martian not for typical Venusian, it is too bloody and violent. You see continuous spots of blood spraying like fountain from the throat, heads rolling all over the ground, eyeballs not in the right place, bodies without head or only a piece of it, all man alive with dusty faces with wounds and scars. What is more, they don’t take a shower because of lacking of water. But if you are freaky girl like I am, then enjoy the essence of it. It makes me sad.

P.S. P.S. The only mistake Ridley Scott did was choosing Orlando Bloom to be Balian. He is too pretty, too clean, too young and too peaceful to become a fighter unless he is a Nicholas in Lord of the rings, who would never bleed or get injured with a perfect face. You can tell from the movie that Orli was dedicating every piece of himself for this role however he is really not the right person, I have to admit with tears…Moreover, he wouldn’t contribute to the box office since girls are reluctant to see their prince bleeding and getting dusty, while men curse him for taking too much attention of their women.

红勘露天交响乐之夜，灵魂的声音——记symphony under the stars

2007-07-02T22:06:00.000+08:00

2 December

天空如洗涤过一样干净，伴着些许朦胧的月光和最美的维港夜景，我彻底地醉了，倒在音乐的怀抱之中。
1万5千多观众席地而坐，露天的巨大舞台，盛大的香港交响乐团，在指挥棒的弧线流动中，在变幻无穷的舞台背景灯下，用和谐而悠扬的乐声划破了红勘码头的宁静，随着初冬的夜风，在空气中随意荡漾。
第一次在现场如此近的接触交响乐，以如此奇特的方式。没有贵宾席，没有沙发，没有精致的音乐厅，没有高价门票，有的只是一张地席，一个露天码头，一张免费门票，光着脚到处摆着零食，却有着同样高雅的艺术欣赏。在宣传页右上角赞助，清晰地印着太古集团的太极旗，深深地为太古致力于高雅艺术平民化教育的精神深深打动，深深地骄傲。
一直以为交响乐过于难懂，今夜彻底地改变了我的想法。上半场的熟悉的旋律，不知名的乐曲，抑或高昂澎湃，抑或凄美悲壮，随着那一呼一吸，一紧一松，一弹一拨，一动一静，时悲时喜的表情，让人神经紧绷，耳目皆不暇接。

下半场，小提琴家吕思清带着17世纪的天价小提琴登场。一首梁祝，从银笛的前曲，到小提琴的独奏，到大合奏，每一个音符似乎都深深牵动着每个细胞，这个古老而凄美的东方爱情故事在每个人的想象中，在脑中徐徐展开，随着激情的小提琴两次琴弓弦断转弦，好象神经和情感都变得如此脆弱而不堪一击，感觉灵魂在颤抖，在呻吟，最后变成蝴蝶，在小提琴独奏的主旋律声中，越飘越远，直到消失在视线的尽头。曲终，这份共鸣仍在延伸。四次的登台谢幕，久久不息的掌声。
最后的柴可夫斯基《1812序曲》，有别于梁祝的经典东方韵味，多次的大合奏和极强音，似乎从温柔凄婉的儿女情长，突然间时空转换来到万马奔腾炮火硝烟的战场，气势宏大，来势汹汹，定音鼓声声敲动心房，霎时舞台烟花伴着巨大的炮声四起，将音乐会推向了最高潮，不等观众回神，曲终谢幕，在最顶端处嘎然而止，随着跳跃到半空的心所有人站立，持续的掌声喝彩声, 此刻难以表达内心的激动。是的，难以形容，感谢造物者，让人拥有了如此澎湃的激情，如此完善的听觉。

主题为“星幕下的交响曲”，今晚天幕却是如此清澈，一如受过洗涤的内心。品一口免费的starbucks暖暖的咖啡，足以将这个夜晚铭记在脑海中。
艺术和音乐于我，是生活中最值得回味，珍惜与追求的精髓，是人类最难能可贵的魅力所在。跟三位同事愉快地谈笑风生步过美丽如画的维港红勘码头，我独自在路上浅笑，感谢生活，感谢上苍，感谢艺术家，这晚赐予我无比的幸福感。

An inconvenient truth绝望的真相

2007-07-02T22:05:00.001+08:00

10 October

周日跟一同事去看这部片，是公司内部订的票，听说是跟温室效应有关，像“后天”那样的片子，于是满心期待跑去UA。

看完这部片之后，有一种很奇特的情感混杂，因为这部片本来也是这样的，多角度去看，会有多角度的感受，但是总体来说，作为电影的话，非常令人失望，没有充其量也只能是一部用事实和数据说话的前总统真人环保讲座教育。如果用这样的眼光来看的话，是一场不错的教育形式。然而，more than that.

片子在戈尔的演说中开始，通过一些政府内部的文件和数据揭露了一些绝望的环境真相，如冰川的融化，已经严重到整个北极和南极地带每时每刻都在急剧减少，速度与数量令人恐慌；全球温度的升高是人类历史上最夸张的直线状态，回忆一下05年的那些热气逼人的日子就会明白这种说法并不是夸大其词；以这个速度来计算，如果不采取有力的措施，用不了100年，海平面升高的程度，将淹没美国世贸中心遗址，淹没北京，淹没上海。而在此之前，大规模的物种灭绝跟瘟疫，病患，灾难性气候，将笼罩整个地球。且不去说我们可以为环保作什么，这样的真相，的确是可以让人彻底绝望的。从这个意义上来说，我们又不得不去思考这样的问题，到底是去揭示这样的事实，还是继续蒙在鼓里生活？现世论的观念盛行，与这样的意识无不相关，同样的另一面，滋生了可持续发展。

而片子又不单单是一场讲座，片中不断插入一些戈尔的真实生活片断。似乎他的生活真相也曾经让他陷入不断的失望当中。6岁的儿子车祸差点丢了性命只能靠轮椅，姐姐由于吸烟得肺癌而死，总统选举落败，不同人对于他热衷环保的抨击，似乎生活对于他也是一场风光背后的悲凉。那潺潺流水的安静呻吟，那些黑白照片和头条报纸的快闪，布什政府官员的极端评论，甚至在演讲后阵阵的掌声，随着戈尔低沉的自语和自嘲的浅笑，还有他的思考的沉默，都力透出一种说不出的淡淡的悲凉，似乎比温室效应的真相更令人触动。

片尾无可避免是一些如何做去保护环保的措施，只是必行环节，这里就不说了。我开始想这部片真的单纯是为了环保吗？还是像戈尔这种有头脑的政治家想以此种不可驳斥的真相作为宣传自己和抨击布什政府的手段？毕竟在一推一拉的影片效果下，无论是人前的辉煌还是自己身后的哀伤，都将戈尔的形象扩大到无可复加的程度。

这样来想的话，虽然觉得有点被愚弄了，却实在不得不佩服。对于布什政府来说，在这部“绝望真相”下，真的是存在着另外的an inconvenient truth吧。

还是那句话，去电影院看这样的片子很不值，如果网上有得下的话，推荐一看

love is like career-My blabble

2007-07-02T22:03:00.001+08:00

21 May

Who says love is like career ?
If so, then you have to...
1.make your own cover letter and resume-your apperance and your character.
2.send it to the appropiate company-express your feeliing to the rihgt person.
or
hire a hunting company-ppl aournd you might of help
3.if the company is interested in you, you will have several interviews-your dates, whenever it fails, then saying goodbye.
4.if the company feels you are the right person, they hire you-Now you are in a relationship.
5. You go to work and try-mantain your relationship.
6. If you found it good, you are happy to work as long as you can; if not as good as you thought, you feel frustrated,trying to adapt it, or trying to leave-the ups and downs in your relationship.
7. You finally quit and seek for a new job, or you quit after finding a new job-another relationship starts.
8. Your work experience counts-so is your love experience.
9. The circle goes around and around, till the day you settle down and then retire.-getting married, getting old and die.
10. The company give you a long-term service award-that's the stone on your tomb "my beloved..."

And I think, the most amazing thing is that, we call it "I found a good/bad COMPANY."

Well, I have been holding my cover letter and resume for more than 20 yrs and still unemployed.
My work experience is 0 yr, so all I can get is the lowest salary, which I won't work for my dignity.
I guess I will strive for some Swire MT opportunity......

Really funny.

人生如真人show

2007-07-02T22:00:00.000+08:00

16 January

周六花了一个下午看电影《楚门的世界》，感概很深。楚门从出生开始整个人生操纵在导演的手里，全世界的人都在看着他而他却不知道，身边的亲人朋友陌生人每一个生活细节每一个场景都是安排好的，那会是什么感觉？为了挣脱这种长达30年的控制宁愿冲破这种桃源世界，他冒着生命危险勇敢的走向通往真实世界的出口，尽管知道那是一个残酷的世界，却是真实与自由的。

也许我们每一个人都是楚门。冥冥之中命运被掌握在某个人的手里，只要不打乱整个剧本，他允许人们做自以为了不起实际上却无伤大碍的抗争。只要偏离制定的轨道，马上就会被周围巨大的网络拉回来，然后在成长的过程中学会痛苦，学会放弃，学会接受本来接受不了的事物，喜剧悲剧都好全看导演安排，以保证自己这出真人SHOW 的顺利进行。只要你的收视率下跌了，你的电视频道就会被封掉，表演到此结束，你也可以完成自己的一生了。这就是所谓的宿命论，如果存在的话。

人生存在着太多太多的不确定性，我们常常需要假设。有的人不顾一切拼得头破血流只是为了一个真理，不成功就成仁；有的宁可活在可能是虚幻的现状，害怕真实后边的残酷；有的人在不停地思考，却只是思考，在努力明白真实与现状的区别的暗沟中苟且活着，郁郁寡欢。

而我属于第三类人。我的脑袋经常因为思考太多离奇古怪的问题而脑部供血不足，于是我有间歇性头晕的毛病。在白天我解释为睡眠不足，在夜晚我解释为发困，不论白天或者夜晚我都无法停止这种思考的模式，得出答案的为自己欢呼一下然后不付诸任何行动进入下个思考，没有答案的就放在记忆的空间角落，等待灵感。

我因此而久久无法释怀，我相信命运，却无法信服命运。到底是谁在掌握着我们的命运？神，上帝还是某个拥有可以改变别人命运的日记本的普通人？又是什么决定我们的命运是好是坏？是抽签是轮回还是故意的安排来弥补我们前生后世的罪过，如果这个也存在的话？

突然又联想到黑客帝国，这个更令人震惊的假设。想象如果我们周围的一切包括我们自己都是虚拟的程式，真实的世界只是一片被机械怪物所操控的母体里，象位于母亲身体里湿粘粘的胎儿身体和插在脑袋后边的线？这样的真实，就用来想象就行了。我宁愿做一个被注视的真人SHOW主角，活在一个特定的桃源岛里，象永远害怕大海不会去远行的楚门，就算知道真相也继续演下去。

当过去成为Ps过的回忆......

2007-07-02T21:59:00.000+08:00

15 August

喜欢上ATV world的cold case,香港译为铁证悬案，我认为此译法欠妥，还不如直译，铁证根本就无法表达此剧集的精髓所在。所谓cold case,就是那种很久都无法侦破，材料被搁置起来坐冷宫的案子。片中精干的探员专门对付这种陈年旧案，解除几十年的谜团。

而让我感叹不已的，并不是侦破的案件来龙去脉或者剧情的曲折迷离，而是回忆与过去。当目击者叙述几十年前的情景时，镜头让过去重演在眼前，白发的人重新黑头，废墟重现繁华，而故事在现在与过去的镜头变换中随着线索像珠子串起来，无法形容的光彩夺目。随着冷案的解决，重现的过去让人陷入一种回味的美与现实的痛的矛盾交叉中，柔光镜的运用将这种唯美展现得淋漓尽致。

更让我感叹的，是现实中对于过去的回忆，总是随着岁月这个高明的整容师，变得不现实起来。人总是喜欢美化周围的一切，明明知道是虚假。而这样的趋势随着社会的发展，科技的发达而日益加强。我想起PS过的照片。大到整个背景，小到一颗痘一根乱发，都可以改变，而这些造就不是明星的专利而落入平常的生活。谁都希望自己看上去很美，无可厚非。

我不禁问自己，当岁月流逝，十年二十年甚至更久，当大家都忘记了你当年的模样，你是否会信誓旦旦地说自己当年如何的美丽艳光然后还拿出PS过的照片作为铁证？没有生活中的探员，这就是一个永恒的cold case了，你自己把过去的你扼杀在过去，在你现在拥有的回忆之前，然后你相信了这个谎言。

确有那么一天的话，这个社会将是说不出的悲凉。我突然之间这么想，是因为有太多生活的琐事让我感叹表面与内心的差别，真实与回忆的鸿沟。我们是否还可以问心无愧地说，生活是最真实的？人，真的只能活在当下而忘记过去或者美化过去？我真的很怀疑。

我想，当我习惯假象，也许已经到了自己虚幻过去的时候了。而景象，只能在脑里重现，毕竟生活不是拍剧集。

Cold case突然被变态的减肥广告插断，我关灯去做梦了。

Orlando Bloom

2007-07-02T21:58:00.000+08:00

25 August

When the cash has already drown the boxes but people are still flooding into the cinema for POTC2, only can the Chinese fan download and buy illegal copies and I am still letting my mouthwater flowing all over my room, watching clips and interviews and premere and news and everything of Orlando Bloom. Almost killing me now with that irresitable smile and shiny eyes and the most delicate nose in the world, I can temporarily forget his curly hair......

Isn't it unbelievable to have a crush on someone you have never and probably will never meet? Definitely it is not fanctacy of fans to pop icons. I know the feeling truly exist in soul. When mixture of happiness and sorrow,bitter and sweetness all twist together, for the guy simply in front of you however too far to reach. You are dying to see him in person and fear at the same time that reality will burst your bubble.

It seems in my history seldom have I had any interest for boys, and luckily nor for girls...Not mentioned the naive-aged fanctacy for Backstreet Boys' Nick Carter, who is now well enough to join the fat boy slim and those days earlier for Tom Cruise as an American Idol. It is totally different from that for Orlando. Perhaps you can call it the Ideal Mold for your another half. And tragedy happens when it can never become true. Sad,sad,sad......

And indeed I am an idealist, always for the best and looking for the better. Will it too fun a joke to admit that I do know such a chamistry effect truly deeply exist by falling in love with pics and movies of OB? Sounds wierd and unacceptable even to myself. Guess my mind is no more clear for the situation.

Andres and Fabian kept on telling me things about OB and said they could see him in the streets in US. Just go ahead and make me a laughing stone, nothing to be ashamed of my idea, at least not at this moment,who knows next minute who will be another OB in mind?

Totally insane for such a freaky idea typing here, but I am still dying to see POTC2 and Haven coming soon. Bless me~~

Kiss and Good night>>>>>

TO her I saw-my novel

2007-07-02T21:57:00.000+08:00

28 September

She knows exactly she is just a subtitute, every time he smiles to her. But that's the reason she thinks it is worthy of.

Yesterday he called her name as somebody else, again. The 4th time in this month. She has been used to it. He apologized, shruged his shoulders and burried his head in the newspaper. She made a face and drank her orange juice, looking outside the window. She knew he was not reading at all, it was the Lady's page. Nothing outside worths seeing either.

He is trying to waste the time, and she is wasting her time. Not even a drop of tear has to be torn. They both are willing to see the days passing by like this. He needs her to recall another she in mind, she needs him around to pretend she is being loved. Relationship sometimes, is just for maintain the warmth, not letting neither of the two woke up from a nightmare and cry like a child.

Her eyes moist in the dark, lying in the same bed on the same long pillow where he is, on another side. Suddenly he turned over and held her in the arms. She feels moisture again, not from herself.

She buried the face on his chest and numbled,
I love you. For real, she knows truly deeply from her heart and vein.
I love you,too. He hardly hears himself but makes himself heard.

Conciousness vanishes, good dream, and another day will be passed.

交错的艺术

2007-07-02T21:55:00.000+08:00

4 February
看了一部电影，Sexual Life，名字听起来有些情色，实际上是一部不可多得的剧情片。

电影的主体构思有点像Babel,看似毫不相关的人与事物之间存在着看不见的关联；内容则有点像Closer(偷心人〉，只是我更喜欢这部片子，没有大明星效应和强硬的台词，像白开水一样的平淡又让人浅浅的痛。

电影就像是一个串字游戏。而片子的第一个女主角, 一个拥有甜美笑容的妓女Lorna, 从串字游戏中拉开了电影的序幕。年轻的独立摄影师Todd召了她发生了关系，Lorna把姐妹送的礼物不小心留在了Todd的车上而成了这一次关系的见证；Todd与另外一位女子Sarah约会而与她有了关系，而Sarah对感情存在的太多怀疑和对生活的压力让这个年轻的艺术家感到不自在，他们对于生活的态度形成了强烈的对比；Sarah与自己老板Phil的外遇而有了关系，她一直苦恼于对于浪漫还是金钱名誉的追求，最终舍弃了那段不正常的恋情；Phil与Sarah分手后跟自己的太太Gwen来到初次约会的中国餐馆，却发现两人早已丢失了爱情，最终离婚；Gwen接到大学旧男友David的电话留言以为有机会开始新恋情而前往酒店订房，结果发现对方是同性恋而失意之下与酒店前台服务员发生了关系，而对方碰巧也叫做David；David的女友Rosie为了嫁给代理市长的儿子Jerry而抛弃了他，却无法否认真正的爱情而陷入心理斗争；Jerry在结婚的前一天接受了朋友为其安排的告别单身的召妓活动而见到了Lorna, 最终还是理智地选择了逃离；Lorna在报纸上看到Jerry的婚礼信息前往参礼，为Jerry的忠贞留下了感动的泪水，在婚礼上遇到了为新人拍照的Todd，故事就这样在带着有些诙谐的音乐中轻松结束。

本来以为Lorna与Todd会走在一起重新开始这个串字游戏演变为另外一种循环，可是导演并没有这样做而留给观众自己去想象，这样的结局也许是最完美的。只是我很喜欢这个笑起来像天使一般的女孩，她的职业似乎丝毫没有剥夺她对于人生的态度和善良的天性，如此地让人爱怜；而饰演Todd的Tom Everett Scott在剧中的造型看起来活生生是一个长相较为粗糙的Orlando Bloom, 同样的头发，身型，擦鼻子侧边的小动作，休闲而有点懒惰的着衣风格，总是微笑的绅士个性。这两个人物为这部有点伤感的男女关系电影带来了些许的阳光。虽然电影是以混乱的性关系作为主题，但是并没有刻意的情色镜头，总是浅浅带过而更着力描写人物的内心世界而显得更有深度。

在寂寞的边缘游走

2007-07-02T21:54:00.001+08:00

28 March
自己看了一下自己的空间，发现都是些很低沉的文字为多。本来想写写些愉快的事情，但是去几个朋友的空间逛了一下，落地不同，环境不同，周围的人不同，但原来她们也跟我一样，经常莫名其妙的失落。
这就是所谓的城市白领症候群吗？有人说是因为大学毕业生对社会的憧憬与期望太高而形成的落差造成这种不健康的心理，可是我不是第一次踏出社会，我对它也没有过高的期望，相反总是觉得它比我见到的还要再现实与残酷，而实际并没有那么多；也有人说是因为工作压力太大，可是目前的我也并不觉得，老是觉得应该多给我点有意义的活干可以更忙点就更好了；也有人说是因为我们都太孤独了，但是这个世界上孤独的人有很多，而且很多人都是alone by choice，并非不能群居。
也许，是我们都太自私，太爱面子，又变得过度被动了吧。
这么多个世纪以来，交往从来没有变得如此的难。人与人之间都是擦肩而过，总是与不同人四眼相望，但谁也不愿意开第一句口，给个微笑或者打个招呼。即使开口了，对话也总是因为彼此过度的自我保护而变得难以继续。而且……
看到上边的话，你的第一个反应是，我不同意。我们总是不愿意听从别人的意见而一意孤行，哪怕知道自己也许是错的，毕竟那是自己的观点，誓死捍卫。
我们开始变得浮华而虚伪，喜欢消费，用物质去充填空虚，明明过的不是很开心却还是忍不住要对朋友和家人说谎，白色谎言，我们相信，总是善良的。
我们总是表面很坚强内心却异常地脆弱，还有自己的身体。
我们总是不满足于现状，希望未来可以更美好，即使知道现实并不会是这样却不会错过任何做梦的机会。
我们总是对别人要求太高，轻易因为某个人的一句话而变得情绪化而否决整个人，过后也总是因为如此而后悔或落下遗憾。
我们知道这些都非常不好，总是怀疑自己心态有问题心理有障碍，可是同时告诉自己，这是你的性格所致，改不了了。
越是繁华的城市边缘，就越是容易投下灯红酒绿的阴影。在寂寞的边缘游走的我们，lost in translation.

Time to...Say goodbye...(Chi.&Eng.)

2007-07-02T21:52:00.001+08:00

28 June

在一個燈紅酒綠，車水馬龍的國際都市，這是必須面對的現實。
不管幾天前是不是一起吃過晚飯聊過喜歡的電影和旅行，不管周末是不是還一起在Dancehall Happy Hour Shake your ass off，不管幾個小時之前是不是還如多年不見的老朋友擁抱過，不管前段日子是不是還一起在海灘弄溼過，不管是不是在郵輪在公車在不同的交通工具上用不同的語言一起旁若無人地笑過，不管是不是在flat裏打過牌玩過Wii煮過東西，不管是不是穿過馬路時偶然對望一個會意的微笑，不管是不是在Facebook,MSn，不同的網絡上浪費時閒做些有意義與無意義的事情......

不管什麽記憶，永久的短暫的，有一天當你起床看香港早晨，經過金鈡中環擠進地鐵到辦公室時，你看到墻上的日曆，知道今天，又將是有一個人需要say Goodbye，數不清第幾個，也許不願意去數。

這就是國際城市裏的故事。分別的時候，只是揮一揮手，打個招呼，send個短信，甚至什麽都沒有說，飛機票時刻一定，拖大包小包，走過香港國際機場的hall,看到有一個家庭在享受Buffett，很用心地笑一笑，聽到登機的廣播，頭也不回地走向Boarding。

未來，異地，不同人種, 不同故事，只是時間地點人物有著太多太多的不確定性，我們無法把握，不知道是否會進行得比原來好，但是我們必須前進。也許我們的軌道有重合的一天，也許即將如幾條平行綫向無窮盡延伸，我們都必須學會去接受。

我把這一切的一切叫做一年之癢。一年，在這個城市裏，是一個起點，是一個終點；痛倒未必，癢還是有的，只是當生活如表面這華麗的袍，爬滿了蝨子的時候，我不知道怎麽去抓，該從哪抓起，爲了顔面不願意脫下來去抓，於是，給自己一個響亮的巴掌轉移注意力。

打得很痛，眼淚都要掉出來了，但是還是要微笑。既然擺在面前的是改變不了的事實，那就不要讓自己遺憾。誰知道，什麽時候，哪一個人會在走向未來的時候，突然回頭？那一秒，將是永恒。

Farewell, all my dearest friends, 我會在每個我想象中遠去的背影，像Elizabeth Town的Kirsten Dunst一樣，用雙手擺出相機的姿勢，哢嚓一聲，留住最後的背影。

-dedicate to someone who leaves me today, who has never walked into my life.

In an international metropolis full of Debauchery and fast lanes, there’s some reality you have to face with.

You had different comments on your favorite movies and trips at the dinner table days ago; you had happy hours together at the dance floor shaking your ass off; you hugged like life friends who haven’t met for ages hours ago; you poured sea water to each others along the beach; you communicated in different kinds of languages with code-switching on the ferry on the bus and laughed out loud; you played UNO and Wii and cooked together in the flat; your eyes met unexpectedly and smiled while crossing the road; you spent time together on Facebook, MSN and other networks…

No matter what memories you have, long-term or short-term, one day when you wake up and watch Good Morning HK, pushing your way in and out of MTR to Admiralty or Central office, you see the calendar on the wall, and you realize that today another person is leaving. Cannot remember the number, or rather, too reluctant to.

This is the day-after-day story in an international metropolis. Farewell only means a wave of hand, a See-Ya, a SMS, or even nothing. When a flight arrives and time comes, you drag your luggage, going through the hall of HK international airport. In the corner of your eye you see a family enjoying buffet time.

You grin. Suddenly the boarding broadcasting wakes your ears. You go towards the departure door without turning around.

Future, locations, races, stories. Where, when, and who. There’re too many uncertainties about all above. We cannot handle, we have the faintest idea of whether it would be better than the past and now, but we have to move on. Perhaps our paths will cross some day, or they expand infinitely like parallels without a meeting point, we all have to, learn to accept it.

I call all of these THE ITCHING OF ONE YEAR. ONE YEAR, in this city, is a beginning and ending point. Like a mosquito’s bite, not seriously hurt, but itching and uncomfortable.

Life is a luxurious and delicate Chi-pao, with external grace however full of lice inside. I am wearing it. I feel extraordinarily itching. I don’t know how to scratch, from where to, and too embarrassed to strip. Therefore, I slap myself on the face like a bitch to distract the attention.

And it really hurts. My tears fill my eyes, yet I have to smile. Since in front of me lies the unchangeable reality, I shall not leave myself any more regrets. Who knows, that who, all of a sudden, will turn around and see my face while going towards his/her future? Then he/she can leave with satisfaction. That moment should be immortal in our memories.

Farewell, all my dearest friends. I will be a Kirsten Dunst in Elizabeth Town, holding an invisible camera in hands, KA-KA, saving the Kodak moment of your backs before fading away, just in my imagination.

My eyes moisted.

To all my friends born in 1980s...(Eng.&Chi.)

2007-07-02T21:51:00.000+08:00

13 June

-Gloria

Again, for no reason, I sense the fragile of life.

I was desperate to tidy up my emotions trying not to be effected by the cloudy weather, however pitifully things always head for the opposite direction.

Yesterday I received 4 friends’ E-mails, almost at the same time, coincidentally telling me they were feeling old. They are all of my same age. I knew that feeling long ago.I resented my sensibility-so sensitive that I always feel something negative ahead of anyone else and hurt myself. As I cleared my wound and was about to recover, others began to feel it as well. I was infected and hurt again, this time the wound gets deeper.

For such a long time I have experienced this endless echoed sorrow. It turns out to be a mission impossible for me to get rid of my sensibility.

Today while on the MTR, I saw some instant news headlines on the screen. It reads xxx people were killed in the flood today, xxx people were dead in the earthquake today; in the office I was shocked by E-mails that J. Huang was badly injured in a recent traffic accident. I called her and fortunately she is safe now; Panda also told me his mother was fighting with leukemia. All of a sudden, I noticed the world is getting bigger and bigger, so infinite that those who we used to be quite familiar with, become so remote and distant.

Or, never had the world ever changed but our hearts? I don’t remember from when our hearts become smaller and smaller and we only try to live our own lives without knowing what is happening excluding ourselves?

Being born, getting old, going ill, and die. It is the unbreakable rule of nature. However, between those phrases are three complicated and comprehensive processes which cannot be expressed by any vocabulary. How many sunshine and storms do we have to pass through, how many tears and laughters we have to bring with, in order to be able to smile-at the very end of our life, in such a flash when the Death cuts off the connection between our soul and our body-to smile peacefully, and farewell to all the views we have been watching, all the sound we have been listening to in our entire life?

Nobody can end with a complete life, and that makes human. Because there’re two things immortal in it: one is regret, regretting for what we have done, regretting for what we have not done; one is doubt, doubting others, doubting ourselves.

Two simple but memorable quotes from “Lucky Number Slevin”:-

“Yesterday you were better off than you are off today but it took today for you to realize it. But today has arrived and it's too late. ”

"The first time someone calls you a horse you punch him on the nose, the second time someone calls you a horse you call him a jerk but the third time someone calls you a horse, well then perhaps it's time to go shopping for a saddle."

For the very first time, I appreciate my sensibility.
We should be happy, my friends born in 1980s. In all three processes of life, we are now only walking at the first half of first journey. However we should be aware of. If you endeavor to push yourself to the end of it, very soon, you will finish such a valuable period.

We should feel lucky, my friends born in 1980s. We still have so much time to annoy ourselves. Quite a few people don’t even have the chance to think about it and reach the end of the third journey. Their life is not in their hands. In a blink of an eye, their candle light turns dark, even it is still heated.

We should be thankful, my friends born in 1980s. No matter what, we were born, getting old, going ill and die. We still regret and doubt. But now, we are at the first half of the first journey, the very beginning of the first half.

All I can do is to pray. All I can do is to live my life with my heart and soul. I am no exception a member of this Human Life Association, with regret and doubt.

So are you, my friends born in the 1980s. Let me see your dancing smile, despite around your eyes you see tiny wrinkles. That is the gift of life.

再一次莫名其妙地感覺到生命的單薄。
我好不容易打算收拾心情不讓如此陰霾的天氣感染，可惜總是人與願違。
昨天上班的時候同時收到4個朋友的E-mail, 不約而同地說他們老了。他們都跟我差不多年齡。再一次打心裏厭惡自己的敏感，總是在別人有意識之前感覺到一些事情然後自己受傷，結果在我清理傷口準備痊愈的時候，其他人也開始感受到了，於是我又被傳染，而這次傷口就裂得更大。

一直以來我就這樣體驗着不斷重復的傷感，讓我不繼續敏感下去，簡直是不可能的任務。

今天在地鐵的滾動屏幕上看到哪裏水災死了多少多少人，哪裏地震死了多少多少人；在辦公室收到郵件得知HJ車禍受了重傷，著實讓我嚇了一跳,跟她通了電話，盆骨骨折，還好不會有什麽後遺症；Panda師兄告訴我他的媽媽也在很堅強地與病魔鬥爭。我突然閒發覺這個世界變大了，大到連我們曾經熟悉的人，都如此遙遠而陌生。

抑或是，這個世界從來沒有改變過，而變的，都是人的心？什麽時候起我們的心變小了，小到我們每個人只在努力地過自己的生活而對自己除外的世界不聞不曉？

生老病死，原來就是不能逆轉的自然規律。而在這四個字眼中間，是三段無法用任何詞藻來形容的曲折過程。我們可以經歷多少風花雪月，應該經歷多少悲歡離合，喜怒哀樂，才足夠在最後一個字眼那最後一筆“撇“--這死神的斷魂刀在割斷靈魂與肉體聯係的瞬間，安然一笑，作別于周遭的風景和聲音？

沒有人可以做到無憾，所以才有了人生。因爲人性裏不可磨滅的，一是後悔，後悔我們做過的，後悔我們沒有做過的；一是懷疑，懷疑別人，然後懷疑自己。

在電影Lucky Number Slevin裏有兩句很樸實但很經典的對話：

Yesterday you were better off than you are off today but it took today for you to realize it. But today has arrived and it's too late.
(昨天你過得比今天好，但是今天才會知道。但是今天已經來臨了，太遲了。)

"The first time someone calls you a horse you punch him on the nose, the second time someone calls you a horse you call him a jerk but the third time someone calls you a horse, well then perhaps it's time to go shopping for a saddle."
（第一次有人說你是馬，你會一拳打扁他鼻子；第二次有人說你是馬，你會說他是變態；第三次有人說你是嗎，也許你該去買付馬鞍了。）
第一次，我如此感激我的敏感。
我們應該感到幸福。在這三段過程中，我們只是在第一段的前半段行走。然而我們都要警覺。如果你拼命要把自己往第一段的終點推，很快你就會越過這如此寶貴的人生第一段過程。
我們應該慶幸。我們還有如此多的時間，可以用來煩惱自己，多少人連想都沒有想，就到達了第三段的終點，不由他們自己決定，一瞬間，滅了燭光，連燭淚還沒有冷卻。
我們應該感恩。不管如何，我們還是會生老病死，我們還是會後悔，會懷疑，而現在，我們在第一階段的前半段，小前半段。
我只能祈禱，我只能用心生活，我也是這個有憾人生的一員。
所以，朋友，你們也是。讓我看見你們的笑臉，即使你的眼角剛剛起了細紋，那是生命的饋贈。

Something

2007-07-02T21:50:00.000+08:00

May 07

That's something I have never experienced before. I guess I am fallen and drawn by my own secret, inside my chest.

Shall I open it up? What if it turns out to be a disapointment? Will I hide or continue to head for something new?

It burns my eyes and my mind.